God has a plan...

2012-01-03T13:28:00.002-06:00

Well it's a new year and as happy as I am to see the last year put behind us I am almost terrified of the year to come. We need a miracle, I have friends that need miracles. These aren't small little glitches we are facing, these are life altering mountains and deep, black valleys we are going through. I have a dear friend that has had to deal with the recurrence of cancer in her son, I have talked about the Everaards before, they are dealing with a double dose of sickness. Doug's mom had breast cancer several yrs ago and it is back and metastasized to her liver, and Gray has had to go back in for a surgery and we are all pleading with God to let it be nothing. My step dads mom had a kidney removed last yr because of cancer and it is back, it is every where, they think even in her bones, they have given her 6 months to a year. I have another friend that had to have surgery awhile back and then had to have tests right before Christmas, I don't know yet how that went. Then there is this hideous disease that Scott is fighting, so you see what I mean when I say we need miracles. Earlier I got a message from a friend that said she can't quit crying, that she is tired of her friends hurting, I told her I know, I am worn out and a scripture ran through my mind... it is the second one in the list but I couldn't remember exactly where it was in Psalms so I just searched for worn out and got all 3...

Job 16:7
Surely, God, you have worn me out; you have devastated my entire household.
Psalm 6:6
I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
Psalm 69:3
I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.

Now I read those and I thought about this, no matter what is going on, no matter how bad it has gotten or how bad it gets, God is still God, I know this to the core of my being! There are people that will blame God for all of these things and people that don't believe, or will stop believing but I will NOT stop, I will not give up, I will not cave in to the lie satan tries to make us believe... I may be worn out and cry all night long, but joy comes in the morning! Ps 30:5 ...weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Is 43:18,19 ¹⁸ “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I have used that last scripture before, if you have followed the blog you may remember it.
I have said before that I don't know how people survive these kinds of things without a relationship with Christ, without Christ there is no hope... without Jesus I am empty, I couldn't survive a day without Him and I've tried, believe me, I tried hard. So I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as all of this is, without Jesus I think I would give up and die, period.
So, for this moment my throat may be parched from groaning but I refuse to stop believing in and waiting for miracles!!! I will shout unto the Lord!!! I will sing a new song!!! My joy WILL come!!! My God shall supply ALL my needs!!! No matter what life throws at me I will with Christ's help overcome ALL adversity!!!

Time flies...

2011-09-03T23:14:00.010-05:00

It is difficult for me to look back over the blog, to rehash it all is ... overwhelming. I think somewhere in my tiny little brain I pretend or at the very least just don't acknowledge that we have gone through and are continuing to go through so much. There are days when I drop off the boys and drive away in tears because I look back and see this man child with a metal rod instead of the leg he was born with and it washes over me like a giant wave over a sandy beach. And yet, he has strength that I can't even comprehend! I have always been afraid of... failure I guess, and here is this boy with one leg deciding to wrestle, for the first time! Who does that?
And then there's Jacob, I look at this young man that was the cutest most lovable little guy and know soon he will go out on his own and it rips my heart out! Time goes so fast, I am not ready for this! I am so blessed, I think about where I was and what I was doing at his age and oh sweet, sweet Jesus! I am blessed!!!
No one can prepare you for how much you are going to love your kids, and I think most of the time we don't realize ourselves how much we love them, but there are those defining moments when it hits us hard, sucks the very breath right out of us and lays us out flat on our faces with the knowledge that they are the driving force in our lives.
Last weekend some of Scott's family came to visit, his sister, Sandy, two of her sons, Joe and Justin and his brothers, Bill and John. We had a really good visit, Sunday morning we all went to breakfast and out to Scott's nieces new home to have a look, everyone headed home from there. As we came in the house Scott was heading through the dining room into the kitchen and tripped and fell again, cut his eyebrow but not bad enough for stitches. It was really hard on him this time though, he was embarrassed so I told Jake to just let him be for a bit but keep an eye out when he tried to get up. It's so hard, if it were your child you could run and pick them up, kiss their boo boo and dry their tears. This is so hard for Scott, he has always been so self sufficient and now... to have to have help even getting up from the floor... I can't imagine how hard this is for him. There are already so many things that he can't do anymore, we take so much for granted. You know that saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone? Scott is living that, every second of every day...
Ok, so onto some lighter topics, tomorrow is Daniel and Ashlee's first anniversary! It is also Jess and Darrin's 7th anniversary! So even amidst the trials there are triumphs! God is still God and He is still on His throne! Life may not perfect but it is still good and every moment that we breathe is another moment to celebrate...
“What you heard from me, keep as the pattern of sound teaching, with faith and love in Christ Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you—guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.” 2 Timothy 1:13-14 NIV

Busy, busy...

2011-08-14T23:18:00.000-05:00

Well August has been crazy busy! This is how the first week went, Monday I enrolled Jacob, Tuesday Caleb and I went to OKC to see his prosthetist, Wednesday I enrolled Caleb, Thursday we left for Texas to visit my mom and step dad and we were there until Sunday. We went to church with them, ate lunch, packed up and headed home. Monday (the 8th) it stormed and we lost our electric around 6 pm and it didn't come back on until around 10:30 Tuesday morning! So Tuesday was spent catching up all the laundry and last minute stuff to get the boys ready for school. Wednesday the 10th was the first day of school here and it was pouring rain! Thursday I took the boys to school and stayed home all day to catch my breath and Friday mom came in. Saturday we had a birthday party for Scott and my sister, Scott's birthday was Friday and Jessie's was today. Everyone went back home yesterday evening and today we got up and went to church, this afternoon we mowed the lawn, we haven't had to do that since the first weekend in July because it's been so dry the grass was dying. So see, it has been crazy busy! This next weekend my oldest son will be in town for the weekend and the next weekend Scott's brother Bill will be in, I don't think it's going to slow down much this month! lol
Caleb is taking wrestling this year, I am still not sure about this at all! Jacob started welding in the afternoons at vo-tech, my babies will out of the house before I know it and I am not liking it at all!!! Daniel and Ben are both working out of town and I don't like that either, I like them to all be here for family gatherings and I just feel better when I know they are close.
Scott had a check up on July 14th and they are supposed to be getting him a breathing machine and scheduling surgery for a stomach tube but we haven't heard anything from them yet and he doesn't want me to call them yet. His speech and balance have gotten much worse, he has fallen several times but thankfully hasn't been injured other than some scrapes. He is still working some but has cut his hours back considerably, he has been training his replacement for a while now. I think that covers everything for now...
“If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” Romans 14:8

A new challenge...

2011-03-31T19:51:00.000-05:00

So today we went to Oklahoma City to get a second opinion on Scott. The Dr. confirmed the diagnosis of ALS. I am not going to try to explain what it is so if you've never heard of it or just don't know exactly what it is then please google it, suffice it to say that it is a death sentence. That being said if you have read this blog you know that we are strong believers in the word of God and we are standing on that word now and believing for healing!
I still believe that GOD HAS A PLAN!!! I don't have any idea what that plan is but to stop believing because something else tragic has struck our lives is NOT an option. Scott and the rest of our family are standing firm in our faith and need your prayers and encouragement.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Where does your strength come from...

2011-03-09T12:09:00.000-06:00

So today I am sitting here talking to God and I was telling Him that I just don't think I am strong enough to go through another major battle and very clearly I heard Him say " you're not, but with Christ all things are possible Cindy."    So, in my weakness He is strong, I know that what ever the future holds He will bring us through that also...
Psalm 18:1,2
¹ I love you, O LORD, my strength. ² The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
   my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
   my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Seeking answers...

2011-03-01T18:41:00.000-06:00

If you know us personally and have spent any time talking to Scott then you know there is something not right. For about a year now his speech has become increasingly worse, it began with hoarseness and has become very slurred over the last few months and is now getting nasally sounding, he also has muscle cramps and host of other symptoms. He finally gave me the go ahead to make an appointment and I did, it was scheduled for the 28th and by the grace of God they called back with a cancellation for today, so he went. He goes for a throat CT on Thursday and so begins the journey to find an answer. Please keep Scott in your prayers as we begin another chapter in our lives, if we are right about what we think it is it will not be an easy road. I will be updating as we find answers, just please remember to pray for us.

Isaiah 26:3 (NIV)
³ You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.

2011-02-23T10:33:00.000-06:00

So it has been several months since I have updated and today is the 2 year anniversary of Caleb beginning chemo so why not today?
Everyone is doing well, Caleb is in school full time and loving it (not the work just the socializing). He goes to the YMCA just about every day now so he can work out and play basketball. Yesterday when I picked him up after school he got in the car and informed me he wants to take wrestling next year! He has never had wrestling (other than with his brothers of course) so like any good mother I said NO!!! Of course Scott seems to think this would be a good thing for him, is he crazy? I think yes! Enough of that subject it will just stress me out! lol
All of Caleb's check-ups have been good, he goes back next month for another one. He will continue to go every three months for at least a couple of years and after that I don't know how often he will have to go. He is doing really well with his prosthesis, he has had this one for 6 months and has only had to have it adjusted once, they cut out a piece to allow for him to be able to fit all the way in and he broke the knee so we are still waiting to get that back, he really did a number on it ( he has a loaner).
As for the rest of the family... Jacob will be a junior next year and plans on going to vo-tech to take welding. Seems my boys have decided to carry on the family tradition of welding. My grandpa was a welder, Empire Erector's was the company name, I think he would be proud but concerned, it can be a rough life style. Ben and Daniel are already welding and have been for a couple of years now and now Jacob is headed that direction, I'm pretty sure Caleb will do something different.
I guess I need to take some new pictures and get them posted. I think that covers the important things, life if going on and we are as normal as any family I think. Life is good at the moment and I think living in the moment is probably how we should do it. We are blessed, we have beautiful, healthy children and 3 grand babies that are a testament to life going on. Colt will be 3 in May, Grace,will be 7 in June and Ryan and Tori had a baby (Jocelyn) in September. It seems like yesterday Grace was being born! Grace loves to sit and draw (and yes she makes me sit and draw also) so as soon as they walk in she goes straight to the basket with all the art supplies, Colt drags out his tools every time they come over. I have an old trunk with their toys in it and he will ask if he can open it and then he will ask " where are the tools mammom Cindy?" They were here a couple of days ago and I got a trip down memory lane when every time I answered a question Colt would say "why?" . I finally said "Colt do you drive your mama crazy asking why?" he looked at me and grinned and said "yes". They are precious, no two ways about it! Yes, we are blessed...
Psalm 27 13&14
¹³ I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD.

I miss this...

2011-02-15T11:16:00.000-06:00

I really need to get back to this, I didn't realize how long it had been and that I miss it. Writing was a way for me to work thru things, there was so much that I would write but delete that helped me work things out in myself. We are going thru another huge battle but I am not at liberty to discuss it yet, just pray for our family as we find the answers and see where we go from here.

We are Blessed

2010-07-17T22:07:00.000-05:00

We just finished dinner, we actually sat at the table as a family tonight! Scott and Jacob had a real conversation (motors), Caleb sat quietly listening and I sat just enjoying the fact that they were enjoying themselves. We don't eat together very often, we all go different directions, but tonight I brought home food from the Wal-mart deli and put it all on the table with plates and silver ware and they all just sat, so from now on I will put the food on the table! After the boys finished they went outside, together, to look at Jacob's motor, then they sat on the couch, together, watching a video on the computer. So, I am feeling extremely happy at the moment, it isn't often that Jacob and Caleb are friendly to each other. Most days I have to break them up at least once if not a half a dozen times a day!

It's been so long since I wrote anything on here that I don't even know where to begin...

Caleb's puppy isn't little anymore, he still likes to chew! He has pulled the cable out twice, luckily the second time was a piece that wasn't in use anymore. There is phone line that he pulled out, also not in use, there were lattice pieces behind his dog house that he pulled out and chewed up, also a brick, he loves his squeaky toy and his treats. I taught him to sit so he will sit very still for his treats. He is beautiful! I will have to take pictures and post them.

I'm not sure when I posted last, Jacob is driving now, he is working down at the shop with Scott, Zac went to work with Ben and Daniel, Caleb is working at the snow cone shack that our church has. Daniel is getting married in Sept. Colt ( my grandson) turned 2 in May and Grace (my granddaughter) turned 6 in June! It doesn't seem possible for all of them to be so grown up!!! I am SO blessed, God has been so good to us all! I'm not sure if I am missing anything... Caleb out grew his first prosthesis and got a new one last week, he decided against the tattoo. School starts on the 12th of August, I'm not looking forward to buying school clothes! Caleb has a full head of hair, it is wavy now and he hates that! It is darker than it was, but it is SO pretty! He has put on 30 pounds since chemo ended, if it weren't for the leg you wouldn't know there had ever been anything wrong. Setting here typing all of this out makes me cry in gratitude. So many children die everyday, or lose more than half a leg. I am blessed with 4 fantastic sons, a daughter-in-law that I couldn't love more if she were my own flesh and blood, 2 grand kids that are healthy and happy and soon to have another daughter-in-law that is also pretty special, yes, I am blessed beyond measure! I will try to get back in the habit of updating, there have been so many times that I knew I needed to post and I get busy and lose the momentum. So, until next time, remember to count your blessings, imagine for a moment life without the things and people that you love... How are your priorities?

Lamentations 3:21-23

21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. 23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

It's been a while...

2010-04-21T08:31:00.000-05:00

Show me, generous God, where I can use what You’ve given me to benefit someone else.

The puppy and his boy...

2010-03-08T09:49:00.002-06:00

They like playing games together, snuggling, and why do the dogs always go for MY houseshoes?

Today...

2010-03-07T22:51:00.006-06:00

So, for some reason I had to look back at the calender yesterday and realized that one year ago today ( 4 am to be exact) Caleb woke up to his hair falling out. Today he has a full head of hair, not very long, but oh he looks nice! I am so grateful that he looks healthy again! He is so beautiful! Yes, I know, I am not supposed to say that about a boy, but he is! After church the boys went out to eat with Tom and Chloe and their girls and then out to their house to ride 4 wheelers, you have NO idea how hard it is for me to let him go, I said a prayer every time I thought about them and told God that I can't be with him 24 hours a day to protect him but He was, so please do that! I hope someday I can stop worrying so much, it drives him up the wall, but so far I can't help it. I didn't used to be like this, he would take off and I wouldn't panic until he had been gone for hours and didn't come when I called.

I need to get pictures of his puppy on here. His name is Diesel, he is sooo adorable! I am NOT a dog person, they smell, shed, and make nasty messes, and we now have 2 of them! He is a little snuggler and did I mention soooo cute? Yes, I have fallen in love with the little beast! I didn't think I could love another dog other than Sugar, Jacob's dog, but I do. Now if I could just get him trained to NOT pee in his kennel! So far he is saving the other for outside (thank you Jesus!). I will try to post pictures tomorrow, but for now I need to get some sleep.
Psalm 91:11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways...

Today...

2010-02-19T09:58:00.000-06:00

I have found it harder and harder to post lately... There are things eating at me and although it may be easy to write it all down, once it is down I must act. I am a firm believer that if you talk it, you better walk it, because there is always someone watching and waiting to put you in your place. Now you probably think I am talking about God or religion, not this time... although my relationship with Christ is THE most important thing to me I am not stewing over that right now. Childhood cancer... I want to help fight it! Now, I am not in the medical field, I have NO desire to be, but there are ways to make people aware of how huge these diseases are! I get e-mails ALL the time on breast cancer and I know that is a horrible, mean, nasty disease also and yes, please keep pushing for a breakthrough there, but aren't our children just as important? I see articles on heart disease and all kinds of adult cancer's every time I pick up a magazine, where are the articles on childhood cancer? Kid's CAN'T fight for themselves, we must fight for them, otherwise they get lost in the shuffle! Had you heard of ewing sarcoma before you heard about Caleb? I hadn't. There are so many kids out there with this disease and so, so, many more with other types of cancer. September is childhood cancer awareness month, did you know that? I never saw one single sign about it, but in October, which is breast cancer awareness month, there was a huge sign in front of the hospital, it was everywhere! There is a day for heart disease awareness, everyone wears red, there is an e-mail circulating for our soldier's, wear red on Fridays, there is a 3 day walk for breast cancer, what do we do for childhood cancer? I went to the tag office the other day and they have a big poster of all the tags you can get, why can't there be a "fight childhood cancer" one? I want one! Help me make people aware! Please, please, please! Don't wait until someone close to you gets one of these horrible diseases! They've been using the same protocol for years for most of these diseases, so many of these kids have it come back somewhere else. To get funding, there has to be awareness. I am going to be trying to find ways to make people aware of these kids, of the diseases that attack them, I will be posting about these things, please fight with me, fight for Caleb and other kids like him. No child should ever have to lose a limb, no child should ever lose their hair from chemo, no child should live in fear of having to do this all over again someday, no child should have to die...

Pour out your heart like water before the face of the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children. -Lamentations 2:19

2010-02-15T14:18:00.000-06:00

The first dance and Jacob's first dance (ever)...

2010-02-15T14:14:00.001-06:00

Some more of Jacob's big night...

Before the dance...

2010-02-14T21:26:00.000-06:00

Jacob and D.J.
Jacob, Sarah (his date) and DJ
Jacob is just a little stiff...

life is going on...

2010-02-13T22:06:00.002-06:00

A year ago today we spent the day in OKC, Caleb had tests ran pretty much all day. Today was spent getting ready for Jacob's first date. They are just friends but it was a date none the less. This morning Jacob had rehearsal for promenade and then after I picked him up we went and got Sarah's corsage, grabbed him something for lunch and left him at the shop with Scott and Daniel so they could clean Daniel's truck up because he was the one taking them to the dance this evening. We met Jacob and Daniel, Jess and Darrin and D.J. at Sarah's for pictures then Daniel took them to Chili's for dinner before the dance. We all ( us parents) met at El Patio for dinner, then off to Hutchin's for the promenade and more pictures. I can't believe he is nearly 16 and will be really dating soon! And driving, alone! I told Scott tonight that a year ago I would have told you that I am ready for them to be grown and out on their own, not so now. Now I want to hold them close and never let them go. OH! In between those things today, I babysat for a couple of hours for Grace and Colt. I told Grace it seemed like yesterday that she was a baby! I called her a young lady and she said "I'm not a lady!" I said "no? You're a little girl? and she said yes". I got hug goodbye from Colt without having to steal it, he came over and turned his little cheek up for loves! Oh boy did my heart melt!!! In case you didn't know it, I have perfect grandchildren, they are beautiful, as are their parents and uncles! I have to go for now, have to go pick up the kid's from the dance. I will post pic's as soon as I get the chance.
Lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. Song of Solomon 2:11

2010-02-10T22:27:00.000-06:00

this one got left out... can't tell he's nervous at all, huh?

2010-02-10T22:12:00.000-06:00

some more of Caleb's special night...

Coaches vs cancer

2010-02-10T21:53:00.000-06:00

Jan. 22nd was coaches vs cancer and Caleb was honored at the high school basketball game. He was honorary coach for the night and sat on the bench with the team, he got to go through the "tunnel" and stand mid court and receive a ball signed by all the varsity boys and girls. He was very nervous about doing this but by the time the night actually got here he was pretty excited and I think he did really well!

Working back to normal...

2010-01-16T20:29:00.002-06:00

I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to update this and just couldn't put my thoughts and feelings into words. The last time I posted anything was 2 weeks ago, so a lot has happened since then. We are trying to get back to some sort of normalcy, which, by the way is no easy task! Caleb is back in school, he chose to go back full time, I should have insisted on part time because it has been kind of hard on him. The leg gave him quite a bit of pain that first week, there was one day I kept him home to rest it. We had to go to OKC to have them work on it because he is putting on weight (thank you Jesus) and it isn't fitting right. He has an appointment on Feb 1st to have it recast and a new leg built. He has gained 10 pounds, he looks healthy for the first time in nearly a year. His hair is finally coming back, his color is back and then with the 10 pounds, he looks wonderful! On the other hand, I am at a loss... I find myself crying a lot. I have not allowed myself to really let go of all of the pent up emotions rolling around in there, soon, I will have to do that.
There is no good time for that I guess... There has just been so much to do that I...
The house needed put back together after the kitchen renovation, I had to get Caleb back in the school groove, there has just been constant movement, like I said, there is no good time to let go. Yes, the kitchen is back together, Scott has to put on the toe kick and some trim around the door frame and then I need to touch up some paint and it will be completely finished. I love it, my husband has talents he didn't know he had! He did a fantastic job, and it was a job he did NOT want to tackle. So, now the house is livable again, after all of the work that has been done it looks like a different house, it is beautiful as far as I am concerned, and so much easier for Caleb. Now then, while I was cleaning the other day I came across all of Caleb's school stuff from last year, it took me to my knees... the first thing I saw was a paper that he was supposed to have me sign because he was failing math, the date was Feb. 2nd, one day before his first MRI, in 24 hours time he went from his biggest worry being failing math and going to summer school to finding out he had cancer...(by the way when he started home schooling his teacher was shocked that he could actually do the work)! The second thing I found was a paper he had to write about a scary discovery, here is what he wrote...

In sixth grade I got a tumor in my leg.

When I was in the sixth grade, I found out I had a tumor in my leg. My family and I didn't know that it was a tumor until last week. So before that I was going through unimaginable pain and I still am in pain but the pains not as bad now because I take pain pills. Last week I went to Oklahoma City to have surgery on my leg. When I got out of surgery, I had to use crutches all weekend. Finding a tumor in my leg was pretty scary.

No mention of cancer in there, and by the time he wrote that he knew what it was. Can you imagine the courage it took to write that paper? He's such a tough little guy... While I was waiting to pick him up from school one day last week there was a boy running down the side walk toward my car, he had a hoodie like Caleb's and for a split second... then I remembered, he can't run anymore... yes, someday he will be able to I am sure, but right now, he can't, right now, walking is a chore. He fell at school the other day, he told me after he had been in the car for a couple of minutes, he didn't get hurt, maybe his pride, his foot drags sometimes (the prosthesis) and he kind of trips up, he usually kind of hops until he gets control of it but this time he fell. It's not easy for him to get up from the floor, most of us can use both legs to push ourselves back up, the prosthetic leg is more of hindrance in this instance that a help. This is hard to say, but falling was a good thing, he had been so scared of doing it that it had become this huge obstacle, now he has done it, over come it and can move on.
Ok, lets move on to something a little more light hearted...Jacob is going on his first date...
I can barely wrap my brain around the fact that he is old enough to date! He is going to the winter dance, this will be a double first for him, he's never been to a dance or out with a girl, my baby is growing up! We went and measured for a tux the other day, I will post pictures when the big day arrives! Today he went to OKC with her and her parents, and my nephew, D.J. Jess and Darrin were meeting them later. They went to an OU basketball game then later they were going to a Thunder basketball game. Now, Daniel came in last night for the weekend and this morning he called to see if Jacob was home, he wanted to come get him (they are buddies now), he was beside himself, some girl has come along and is encroaching on his territory! I have moments when "all is right in my little world" , right now, today, this moment, this is a good moment, Caleb is sitting on the couch playing on his computer, Scott and Daniel are down at the shop working on stuff, Jacob is on his way home, today is mine and Scott's 6th anniversary... Scott and I worked on getting those last little details finished in the kitchen today, it was a nice quiet day at home, I couldn't ask for more. My life is full of beauty...
Hebrews 13:5
5Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

What a difference a year makes...

2010-01-02T21:49:00.000-06:00

One year ago I was busy painting our big dining room, I guess the proper way to say that would be "formal dining room", however, there isn't anything formal about our house. Looking back now... On the 3rd last year Scott and I met mom and Lin at the Guthrie exit (little did I know at the time how acquainted we would become with that exit) to get a table that Brian and Alicia gave us, I am actually setting at that table right now while I type this. A year ago I was looking forward to taking vacation as soon as the kids went back to school so I could finish the dining room and deep clean the house, which is what I had done every year for the last 5 years. The year got off to a bad start, one of our kids got into some trouble on the 3rd of Jan. but we felt like it was going to be ok. I finished the dining room that week and went back to work on the 12th. Mom came in the 13th, I had a teacher conference with Caleb's teacher's on the 15th (he was failing math), took the kids to my dad on the 16th so we could celebrate our 5th anniversary, out for breakfast the 17th, went to Enid with Daniel and Erika, rented movies that evening, church on Sunday, Chili's for lunch, back to church that night to watch Fireproof ( highly recommend it). There was no school on the 19th, Caleb had an orthodontist appointment on the 21st, he needs braces, had a girls night out on the 23rd, Scott put up crown moulding in the dining room on the 24th, on the 26th it was icy out, no school on the 27th and 28th, so I stayed home on the 27th and took the boys to work with me on the 28th. Life seemed to be going along pretty normally right up until 29th. Thursday, January 29th, I took Caleb to the Dr. at 2pm, to have him look at his leg because there was now a lump where he had been complaining of pain for the last 5 months. They did an x-ray and the Dr. showed me what he thought was a bone cyst, and said they would set up an MRI. On Monday the 2nd, which is my birthday, they called with an appointment for the MRI, Daddy and Linda, my step mom, came over that evening. Tuesday the 3rd, Caleb started his MRI at 7 AM, when it was over I took him to school went home and took a nap and then went to work. Around 4 that afternoon the Dr.s office called and wanted to know if I could come in when the Dr. was finished with all of his patients so we could talk...told me to bring someone with me...I couldn't get in touch with Scott, so I took my sister, she has been my rock for most of my life, so it was rather fitting that she was there. Anyway, I knew of course, before we ever got there that it wasn't good and that is where this blog began... We are still here, still standing, still fighting... we have been to hell and back, but the point is, we made it back! Caleb goes back to school in a couple of days, he is apprehensive, who can blame him? He is not confident on the prosthetic leg, so he is scared, but he won't talk about it. The other night I peeked in his room while walking down the hallway and he wanted to know what I wanted, then he asked if I had come to rub it in and when I asked what he meant he said " your two leggedness". I think he is finally beginning to deal with the loss, not an easy task, for either of us! Now that he is on the threshold of going back to school and going back into the real world I think the fear of not being like all the other kids is rearing its ugly head, that whole peer pressure thing. Last year at this time Caleb couldn't wait to get back to school, 2 months ago he couldn't wait, today when someone asks if he is ready to go back he says, "I guess", so like I said in the title, what a difference a year makes!

Sooo... Christmas, was pretty quiet at our house this year, usually we have everyone over on Christmas eve, we have goodies and then the kids open gifts. This year the house is in complete disarray because of the kitchen being torn apart so no goodies, and only Zac and Tori and Ryan came over. The older the boys get the fewer gifts they get so all in all it was a pretty quiet night, not to mention the weather was horrible so no one needed to be out and about. They shut down all the major highways in Oklahoma! Christmas day we, the whole family, minus my step dad (stuck in Texas due to weather), went to Daniel's for Christmas dinner (which was delicious). It was a good day, any day with family is a good day. Jess, Darrin and D.J. made it back to town just in time for dinner so that worked out well. Now we are up to New Year's eve, and we stayed home, just Scott and I and Jacob and Caleb. The guy's watched a movie and then at midnight Jacob went outside and shot off fireworks. Yesterday evening we all went to Ben and Aimee's for goodies and games. Daniel surprised us by showing up, he was supposed to be in Nebraska, Jess, Darrin and D.J. were there, Zac came, Ashley, Aimee's sister and her daughter were there, mom came for awhile, I think I got everyone. It was another good night, we are blessed. So, today, Scott and I worked on the kitchen (mostly Scott), Daniel came by and him, Scott and Jacob ran down to the shop for awhile, then out to Lowe's to pick up some things we needed for the kitchen, we are so very close to being finished! Hopefully tomorrow we can tie up the loose ends and get this finished!!! We are still waiting on the roofers but at least Scott won't have to wear himself out on that. He has worked so hard trying to do the kitchen, going to work every day, and anything else he has to do. Jacob has helped quite a bit too! Well, I think I'll head off to bed, we have church in the morning so I need to get some rest. Caleb went to bed quite a while ago, Jacob is in his room kicking back and Scott is resting in his chair, all is right in my little world. I am leaving you with one of my devotions from today, food for thought...
Psalms 90:12 Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Thoughts on today's verse:
So often we look up and time has passed us by. The things we promised ourselves we'd accomplish and the deeds we told others we'd do get left undone. Before we know it, days have become weeks, and weeks months, and months years. We find ourselves unable to do what we once assumed we could do any time we want. We must ask the Spirit of God to help us see and seize the opportunities the LORD places in our path.
Prayer:
Father, I confess that so often I leave undone what needs to be done. Please help me see your plans in each of my days and live in a way which not only honors you, but also blesses those you want me to reach. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Tests

2009-12-19T22:11:00.002-06:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this but it has been and continues to be a crazy week. Caleb and I went to the city to meet with Dr. Meyer to go over all of Caleb's tests and they were all clear! He will have to go back every 3 months for check ups and chest x-rays and every six weeks to have his port flushed, at least until they decide to take it out. They have a bell that the patients ring when they finish their treatments so Caleb got to ring the bell and they took pictures and sang to him. Here are the words to the song...

"Our patient has the cutest smile, Our patient has the sweetest heart, Oh, we Love to see you everyday, but now's the time we get to say, Pack up your bags, get out the door, You don't get chemo anymore!" He even blushed a little bit. He is doing great, he hasn't had a nose bleed in almost 2 weeks, so that means his blood counts are coming up. He doesn't have to do blood draws for cbc's anymore, he is really happy about that! He has finished school for now, he will go back to school after Christmas break, he is very happy about this. He is, for the most part, caught up with the rest of his class, so he should be fine when he goes back, at least once he has gotten used to getting up early that is. I will be eternally grateful to Miss Heather for keeping him on task and pushing him through, we could not have done it without her, she is an angel! He wasted so much of her time and yet she kept showing up, thank you Heather!!

I have been keeping up with a couple of boys that both had their leg amputated and I am coming to the realization that Caleb has been blessed beyond measure! Now, I will say, both of these boys have osteosarcoma, not ewing sarcoma, so they are on a different treatment plan and that probably has a great deal to do with how they are affected physically, and they are 4 and 5 years younger than Caleb so there also is a major difference. Through this entire battle Caleb only threw up one time and I know this was because he had eaten nothing the entire day and took bactrim on an empty stomach, with water. He would get nauseous but but not horribly so. After a couple of battles with mouth sores he never got them again and the phantom pain that he had for about 3 or 4 weeks following his surgery seems to have vanished. He still makes jokes about his leg, like today he wanted me to get something for him and I said "no you can do it yourself" and he came back with, " no, I can't, my leg is broke" and this morning he came in the room and said to me "mom, I think I forgot how to wash my hair!", how he keeps this sense of humor and good attitude is absolutely amazing to me! He still won't wear the prosthesis though unless I just pitch a fit and force him. He is more confident on the crutches, he has better balance with the crutches and isn't afraid of falling with them. I keep trying to tell him that if he'll just wear the leg and get used to it that he will get around just fine, I guess he'll do it in his own time. If I were him I would get tired of everyone asking why I am wearing shorts, he won't wear pants unless he is wearing the leg. I guess it will work itself out.
I have decided that I am going to make some changes to the blog. We started the blog to keep everyone updated on Caleb, I kept that up but it also became something of therapist for me, and now I want to stop focusing on the cancer and start focusing on life. Caleb does not have cancer anymore! They cut off the part of his body that had it, it is dead and gone and I want, we all want to look forward, get on to the business of living! So... I am going to start writing more about our family, all of our lives, not just Caleb and I. We have survived this living hell and we are better and stronger for it. We are and have been blessed beyond measure, God has taken care of us above and beyond anything we could have imagined. Rick Scott Construction Co. came in redid our bathroom so that it was more accessible for Caleb and Mock flooring donated new vinyl flooring for the bathroom. Rick Scott Const. also took care of a problem with the living room floor so that Caleb didn't trip over the thresh hold. Anderson Carpet provided new carpet and installation after the floor was levelled off, they also donated new flooring for the kitchen, I'll get to that in a minute. Darrell Mendiola, who owns Watermark drywall and painting, came in and tore out the living room ceiling, (because we had leaks around the chimney and the ceiling was ruined) and replaced those nasty tiles with sheet rock, and painted, not only the ceiling but they painted the walls also and Lee Alderetti did new crown moulding in the living room. It looks like a brand new room! Now for the the floor between the kitchen and dining room, it is not level. There were 5 layers of flooring plus a 1/4 inch masonite board in between all of that, so needless to say the kitchen floor was slightly higher than the dining room floor and with the thresh hold it was a hazard for Caleb. Soooo, this week, I decided that since chemo is over and we won't be running back and forth so much it was the perfect time to do this one last project. I mean how hard could it be, right? Riiight! Oh my goodness!!! I thought, go in there, pull up those old layers, lay down another one and be done...HA! Once we started ripping and finding wet stuff I got a little concerned and the smell was bad, I sneezed until today when we finally got it all out of here. We have ripped out the floor down to the diagonal boards (whatever that is called) and the lower cabinets, so we could see what was under there and how bad it was, there is a bit of mold and oddly enough there is mold on the wall in a spot where there is no water! We would never have seen the mold if we hadn't started tearing this stuff out, so now it is gone and the real work begins. Tomorrow we are skipping church so we can try to get the floor back in and hopefully next week we will get bottom cabinets back in. Then the inside of the house will be finished and safe for Caleb, both environmentally and accessibility wise. We are STILL waiting on the roofers, 3 months later. We had the chimney fixed before Darrell did the ceiling so the leaks are taken care of for now. It is like being in a whole new house. Now, the bathroom and living room cost us nothing, the kitchen repairs are coming out of the Caleb fest money. Like I said, God has been so very good to us. He has taken care of us through this entire year in ways we never dreamed of. He not only supplied our needs but a lot of our wants. When Aimee started this blog, I didn't like the name of it, but it has grown on me, through Christ, I am strong! We did this! We got through this! With God ALL things are possible. Tonight I will leave you with one of my very favorite scriptures, I am standing on it for the future!!!
Isaiah 61:1-3

The Year of the LORD's Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Monday...

2009-12-14T09:20:00.000-06:00

We went to church yesterday for the first time in a couple of months, Scott and Jacob have been going without Caleb and I. I didn't want to have Caleb out around so many people, too many germs. It was a good service for Caleb to hear. Today at 1:30 Caleb has cbc's and then physical therapy at 2, I am sure getting him up and around will not be an easy task, he hates getting up, he's great once you get him going though. He still needs to let me know what to do about his wish from the make a wish foundation, he said " mom, I have everything I want, I don't know what to wish for". He really is a good kid. Well, I need to get him up and around, he has reading to do that should have been done over the weekend. Happy Monday!

Lord, thank You for all the invisible helpers who fill Your world with kindness.

Psalm 62:8

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

Time set...

2009-12-12T16:55:00.000-06:00

The Dr.s office called yesterday afternoon, Caleb's appointment has been set for Wed. at 10:00 A.M. Monday he will have cbc's done again, I know that his counts are still low right now because he has those dark circles under his eyes, but he hasn't had a nose bleed in several days. After the cbc's are done then he has physical therapy again and then Heather comes for school work and then nothing until his appointment on Wednesday and we will read his book on the way to OKC and on the way home. Heather was very happy with him yesterday because he actually had a lot of work done, of course on Wednesday he had nothing done so he had a lot to make up for. He rated a hug! The look on his face was priceless! Thirteen year old boys are not crazy about hugs. Well I need to get off of here and get some errands ran, have a very blessed weekend!

Psalm 28:6,7 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Bad weather...

2009-12-08T22:15:00.003-06:00

We didn't go to the city today due to bad weather. I called to reschedule but they haven't gotten back to me yet on a new date, as soon as they do I will post it. I guess I totally forgot to update after his scans so I will do that now. Caleb and I went to the city last Thursday for his bone scan and a ct scan, while we were there he had cbc's done and his counts were really low so after the scans he had to stay and get platelets and a blood transfusion. We left the hospital around 10:30 pm so it made for a VERY long day for both of us. I can tell that his counts are coming up, he is more active and he is eating and drinking a lot more. He did sleep until 3:40 this afternoon though, which lets me know that those counts still aren't where they need to be. He is still going to physical therapy twice a week, but he still won't wear the leg on a regular basis. He is getting cbc's done tomorrow morning here in town and hopefully I will hear from the Dr.s office tomorrow. Well I think I am going to try to get some sleep now, I will update as soon as I know anything.
Isaiah 61:3 and to provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Tomorrow

2009-12-07T12:37:00.002-06:00

I will update the blog tomorrow evening when we get back from the city. We meet with the Dr. tomorrow to go over all of Caleb's scans and see what is next. Please keep us in your prayers the weather is supposed to be nasty.

Pictures

2009-11-23T11:02:00.004-06:00

The top 2 pics are leaving Caleb's room for the last time. This is Caleb's favorite PA, Erin, helping cut the cookie she brought for him ( she got a hug finally). Then there is Caleb in his bed on his last day, smiling!!! That is the poster that his favorite nurse, Jessica, made for him and the pizza box top that she wrote on, before she brought it to him. When he read the poster he looked up and grinned at me and said " I am loved". He has no idea how much. They should warn people before they have kids that because you love them sooo much you will have great pain also. He is a beautiful little man child.

The light at the end...

2009-11-22T18:22:00.004-06:00

Well we are home from Caleb's last chemo. We are very happy and excited, Caleb has not shown much emotion about this until we were in the hospital doing the last treatment and the closer it came to the end the more animated he became. He gave hugs, made certificates, talked, joked and played with the nurses and Erin his favorite PA. He will go in on the 3rd and have his scans done and then on the 8th we have an appointment with his Dr. to go over everything. We are believing and thanking God in advance for clear scans. He has an appointment tomorrow at Scott Sabolich but I think I may put it off until after Thanksgiving. He wants to go to school so I think I may let him do that tomorrow. My house is a complete wreck, we are in the process of replacing the living room ceiling and everything is torn apart. I have to catch up on everything from being gone for 5 days so I think I'll try to do that over the next 2 or 3 days and letting him go to school tomorrow will help us both I think. Tomorrow marks the 9 month anniversary of Caleb's first chemo treatment, so it is only fitting that today was the last day. He is...there just are not any words. I am so, so, very...grateful doesn't do it justice. I don't think there is a word for what I feel inside, but God knows, He knows. I am excited for the future, I am ready to get on with life, to get out of this limbo that we have been living in, and so is Caleb. He is smiling, and hugging, interacting in a way that he NEVER has before. Jacob and Scott need some attention from me, we need some overdue family time. I have grandkids that barely know me, they are precious and I would like to spend some time with them. We have been given a second chance and I am praying that I don't ever take it for granted again.

The pictures are of Caleb's last room, the view from his room and him kickin back. I will add more from this last visit tomorrow. Right now, I am going to bed I think.

1 Thess. 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

counting down...

2009-11-21T11:18:00.005-06:00

We are on day 4 of 5! We don't know yet what time we get out of here tomorrow but I am fairly certain it will be tomorrow afternoon. Caleb has slept most of the time but when he is awake he is actually talking and joking with the nurses. I think it is finally sinking in that this is the last treatment. Pastor Doug came up yesterday and gave Caleb a brand new, still in the box, X-Box 360! That made for a very happy little boy! Excuse me, young man (rolling eyes profusely). He gave one of his football's and a hat to Pastor Doug. Pastor Doug knows someone that is going through the cancer fight and they are having a benefit auction to help, so we told him to donate those things. I hope it helps. I hate cancer! Until this happened I was oblivious as to how many people have it, or have had it. I didn't have a clue about how many children suffer from it. You get an education real quick and you don't even have to try, everyone you talk to knows someone or is someone that has it or did have it at one time. I could go on a tirade about why there is no cure, but it won't help. The next time you want to donate to a worthy cause, donate to childhood cancer research, they need it! Kids like my Caleb need your help!!! Ok, I'll try to get a little more upbeat... One of Caleb's nurses brought him pizza Thursday night and a movie to watch, he in turn gave her the much coveted "your my favorite nurse" award by hugging her neck! Yes, HE held out his arms for a hug not the other way around!!! She also made him a poster and when he finally noticed it and looked it over really good, he looked up at me and grinned his sweet little boy grin and said " people love me". Oh, I love these nurses! They have been so good to him, there are no words, our cup runneth over.
Luke 6:38 Give and it will be given to you. a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running, over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Home stretch...

2009-11-19T11:48:00.005-06:00

Well folks, we are on the home stretch. We came in yesterday morning for Caleb's last chemo, they did a GFR scan and an echo before they started his chemo so there are 2 tests out of the way already. We will be here until Sunday and then we go home! He will have to come back for more scans and then we start bringing him back every three months for checkups and he will still have to come to the city to see his prosthesis tech. He asked to go to school on Monday but he has an appointment with Kyle, his prosthesis tech. to see how he is doing with his leg, so I told him if he will start wearing the leg then he can go to school on Tuesday, he complied. He is sleeping right now and has been since yesterday evening, he had to have nausea medicine and that always knocks him out for a good long time. Bob Stoops came in again today and yes, Caleb was sleeping again!!! He got another hat, he woke up to go to the restroom and I showed him the hat and he likes it and then off to sleep he went. We got a big room this time, with a sofa that folds out, soooooooooo much better than the new fold out chairs they have. You can't feel the wood frame on your hip every time you roll over!!! This makes me very happy. Caleb had one of my favorite nurses yesterday and another one of them today, I am hoping we get all our favorite ones this time so they can all sign his poster that will go in his scrap book. Caleb has been so blessed through all of this, yes, he has had half a dozen blood transfusions but from what I hear that is not very many! Only one platelet transfusion, he ran a fever one time and only for a few hours and it was gone, he has not been sick one time through this entire thing, that is a miracle. The phantom pain that we were so worried about went away as quickly as it came, very seldom does it hit him and when it does it doesn't last for very long and it is mostly just twinges, he isn't taking any pain meds or anxiety meds, the only medication that he takes is bactrim every weekend. I read stories about other kids that have various kinds of cancers and I am so grateful and so very proud of Caleb. He has never let this disease get the best of him, not once, the only time I can remember him crying is the day Dr. Smith recommended amputation, we all cried that day, I still cry. How many 12 year old kids have the courage to say "amputate"? How many can weigh the options, know themselves well enough to know what they can handle? I am a grown woman and I'm not sure that I could. He is still my hero, he is much more courageous than I.

1 Timothy 4:12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

2009-11-14T23:11:00.000-06:00

From Caleb's last chemo treatment,
Bob Stoop's came by while Caleb was
sleeping and left him a little something.

2009-10-30T21:19:00.002-05:00

Well these loaded backwards but I'll try to tell you what they are... This one was the day they formed his new leg... Right above is Caleb and Mrs. Heather doing school work...Next to it is Caleb's birthday cookie and his cake ( because he wants a dog)...The first one is tonight at the church for the Hulabaloo. He wore a mask and had a stethoscope, he had on his school I.D. for a badge. He got a boat load of candy so he is happy. Jacob didn't go with us and he keeps trying to steal Caleb's candy. Well I think that's it for now, right this moment, all is right with my world. Thank you Jesus for moments of contentment.

No chemo...

2009-10-29T20:38:00.002-05:00

Well there will be no chemo until at least the middle of next week. Caleb's platelets are taking their sweet time coming back up. I figured it up today and if he goes in next Wednesday, he will be short one day of a month since the last time he went in for chemo. This is the longest it has ever taken for his counts to come back up. It's been so long that his hair is coming back.

I have been keeping up with the updates all day for the little boy named Truman, reading his mama's thoughts is like going back in time and reading my own. I ache for them, and for us. She said it is the hardest thing they have ever had to go through and I would have to agree with her. It takes me right back to that day. Please continue to pray for them, I know the road and it is not a smoothly paved one, it is bumpy and has big potholes and only the presence of Christ makes it any easier. He is the shock absorber that we all need. I think I've been listening to my boys to much, I am using car analogies! ( rolling my eyes here) Tomorrow there is another little boy having his leg amputated, his name is Sam, please, lift them up also. My heart is breaking for these families, but they all know Jesus, so they do at least have that comfort. I have said it before and I am saying it again, I could not do this without Christ to lean on. Something I noticed when reading about Sam was that they asked people to remember Sam's sisters, that is a very good idea. Jacob's wants and needs have taken a backseat to Caleb's and it has been hard for him. It is getting better, I think. So, that is something else to put on the prayer list.
Psalm 34:8 Tase and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that takes refuge in Him.

Stirring...

2009-10-28T21:48:00.002-05:00

Sorry it's been so long since I updated. The Monday after we got home from the hospital they came to fix our bathroom for Caleb. They took out the tub and put in a walk in shower for him, we are just now finishing it up. I textured and painted it a soft blue, it's very calming. We had to get a new toilet also, the old one was shot and gave out a couple weeks before they started on the bathroom, you had to take the top off to flush it from inside. So it is like having a brand new bathroom. All of that work in the bathroom was donated by a company here in Ponca that does not want any credit, but we so very much appreciate the work they have done on our home to make it easier for Caleb. The house is still a wreck because I got so far behind and now I am playing catch up, I feel like I am chasing my tail!
It is well past time for Caleb's next chemo, his blood counts were down and his platelets still hadn't come up as of Monday. Tomorrow he goes back for cbc's again and if they are good then he has an appt. for Friday morning for his pre-admit and he will go in on Monday for his next to last treatment. This treatment is a short one so we will go home on Tuesday. (From my mouth to God's ears.) He slept until after 4p.m. yesterday and 10:30 this a.m., and the only reason he got up then was to get ready for physical therapy. I am praying all of this rest will help bring those counts back up! He has lost some weight, he is down to about 92 lbs I think. He still has a cough and runny nose, of course he's had the runny nose since he started chemo. I'll post as soon as I know what's going on.
I've really been struggling with my emotions lately and the devotion that this came from really hit the nail on the head;
"It was as though God was giving me a personal object lesson of what 'storms' can do in our lives," he said."In the middle of the storm when the wind is gusting, the lightning is popping and the storm clouds are getting darker, it's difficult to believe that our troubles are purposeful. But God may allow a storm in our lives to clear out the deadwood so that new growth can occur. And isn't it interesting how fresh the air feels after a storm is over?"
I am so very ready for the storm to be over, but it isn't yet and every time I think I have it pulled together I fall apart again. Tonight I got an update from carepages and I read about a 9 year old boy that is having his leg amputated tomorrow and I completely fell apart. I know how his mama is feeling, I know the look in that boys eyes, what she wrote... it was like reading our own story. I am praying for them. I know what they will go through tonight, and tomorrow, and for months to come... I am looking for the rainbow...I am praying for that family to find their rainbow also. His name is Truman, please hold him and his family up in prayer.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

New update...

2009-10-16T12:01:00.004-05:00

Before I start I need to tell you the date of posting is wrong on this, I am actually posting on Sunday at 1:52 pm. Well, we are in the hospital right now, Caleb had a cough all day yesterday (Saturday) and it got worse as the day wore on, then my dad called to let me know Jacob had a fever over 101 so I took Caleb's temp and sure enough he had a low grade fever, so we watched it the rest of the day and around 8:00 pm it hit 101 so we ( mom and I ) brought him to OKC to the ER and they admitted him. They tested him for flu and that was negative, did a chest x-ray and that was ok, his blood counts were low though so they gave him a platelet transfusion, (his first) and a blood transfusion. He is still getting blood but as soon as it is finished I think we are supposed to get to go home. So that is the latest update. Sometimes Caleb actually has something to say on his own on facebook, in case you ever want to hear from him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Teenager?

2009-10-15T22:07:00.003-05:00

Thirteen years ago I was laying in a hospital bed in Enid, Ok. holding a precious baby boy!!! Thankfully, we are home today and not in the hospital doing chemo. He was due to go in Monday for a treatment but his counts are down so it will be at least Tuesday if not later. This will be a short treatment and it is the next to last one!!! We are so excited!!! We had a quiet evening at home, just Caleb, Jacob, Scott, myself and my dad. Daddy bought pizza and we had a giant cookie and I got Caleb a cake shaped like a dog. It was too cute to pass up. He wanted a party but part of the family is out of town, Colt has fever, Grace had the flu mist, so we decided to put it off for awhile. I told Caleb that after chemo is over and all of his next scans come back clean and his counts are up we will throw one HUGE party for him!!! He is looking forward to it. He asked if we could invite the whole world... Right this moment, I feel like I do Christmas night, the presents have all been opened, everyone has gone home, the kids are asleep and I am sitting quietly thanking God for all the blessings in our lives.

For the last two days Caleb has been putting on his leg without being prodded, he is walking around the house without any crutches or help of any kind, he did fall today, but he was horsing around and he did not get hurt, although, he does have a very purple bruise on the end of his stump. That could have to do with just wearing it, or it could have been caused by the fall. He is in bed asleep right now, this is how I know his counts are low, he is usually up way after I go to bed! I think he had a good time tonight, I think just turning 13 was enough for him, he is very excited about being a teenager! I am not so excited. My last baby... Where did the time go? How did I let it slip past me so quickly? I missed so much, I wasn't paying attention. I still catch myself not paying attention, letting it slip by...it needs to stop. I need to... Time is too short!

And to stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord. . . .
— I Chronicles 23:30

Life would be better...

2009-10-09T09:10:00.002-05:00

I thought I would share one of devotions from today. We would all be so much more content and at peace if we would just follow this advice...
Oct 9 - Your First and Highest Calling
"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord."(1 Corinthians 1:9)
Dear Cindy,
Do you know what God wants you to do more than anything else today? He wants you to fellowship with Him. He wants you to walk with Him and talk with Him. To discuss the things of life with Him. He wants you to draw near to Him and partake of His very nature. So many of us get so caught up in striving to please God in the things we do that we forget our first and highest calling is just to be in fellowship with Him. That's right. God longs for us just to want to be with Him. Have you ever considered how much it would mean for you to just come to God and say, "Father, I didn't really come today to get anything. I've prayed about my needs already and Your Word says they're met according to Your riches in glory by Christ Jesus. So I just came to be with You. If You have anything You'd like to tell me, I'm ready to listen...and I want you to know that whatever I see in Your Word, I'll do it. I'll put it into effect in my life." Why don't you tell that to God today? He's waiting to have fellowship with you.
Scripture Study: 1 John 1:1-7

Procrastinating again...

2009-10-08T15:40:00.003-05:00

I know, I haven't done a very good job of updating lately...We are in OKC right now for chemo. This is a 5 day treatment and we have been here since Monday, so we get to go home tomorrow. Caleb's blood counts are good so he doesn't have to have a blood transfusion before we go home. He started physical therapy last week so he can learn to walk properly with his prosthesis, he won't wear it though so we are having quite a few arguments about that, he'll never get used to it if he doesn't wear it. This trip hasn't been too bad, yesterday one of his nurses got another nurse to stop at Wal-mart on her way to work to pick up BBQ-chicken for him! Can you believe that? Today we have had nurse Amy and she is just as ornery as Caleb so they've been at it all day! They had a sword fight with crutches, she pretended to draw a line down the back of his head, because then we could call him "butthead", I know, not nice, but they have fun and it's good for him, she got him to really laugh!!! We are so blessed to have such good nurses!!! He only has 2 treatments after this, so we really are on the count down. I find myself feeling at a loss, this has become our life, everything has to be scheduled around treatments and Dr.s appointments, cbc's, and now therapy. It's very unsettling... I feel like there is something I need to do but I have no idea what it is...This came from one of daily devotionals, " I will never think of success, fulfillment and contentment the way I used to. Cancer has swept the veil away from my eyes—has given me a new way of looking at life and rethinking everything. It is an unexpected gift. ", please don't misunderstand me, it is horrific that Caleb has had to go through this, but so much good has come out of the bad, and all of that good is an unexpected gift. I read this the other day and it really fits...My life is but a weaving, between my God and me, I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily, Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride, Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside. Until the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly, Will God unfold the canvas and explain the reason why. The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand, As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
I know whom I have believed and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. 1 Timothy 1:12

Learning to walk...

2009-09-25T21:10:00.002-05:00

Well, Caleb got his leg yesterday!!! I find this very exciting but Caleb is a little apprehensive. He is afraid of falling, I can't say that I blame him. He will start physical therapy on Tuesday to learn the correct way to walk. Hopefully tomorrow we will be going to get his new dog. Now this is exciting to him! He has been wanting a dog of his own for so long! Jacob is worried that it will upset his little Sugar, but I think it will be fine. Well I think that's about it for now. Have a wonderful week-end!
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth. . . .
— Isaiah 43:19

Answered Prayer...

2009-09-21T18:28:00.002-05:00

I should have updated a few days ago but I let time get away from me... Caleb went last Friday for his first fitting and the leg fit like a glove! His technician was shocked that it fit so well and I told him that much prayer had taken place before he did the casting for this leg, he said we should pray for him all the time! he said Caleb can wear it home on Thursday (yes, this Thursday), he was really surprised by how well Caleb was doing with it. I do need to find a PT for him to work with some. We are at the hospital right now doing chemo, this is a short treatment so we go home tomorrow. He only has 3 treatments left, hopefully (prayerfully) he will be finished by the first week of November. We have been told that the further he gets into his treatments the more blood transfusions he will need, so far this has proven to be true.
I can hardly believe that he will be 13 in a little more than 3 weeks! He had wanted to go play laser tag for his birthday but we will have to put that off until after chemo and when his blood counts are back to normal. We thought we had a dog for him but it looks like that fell through so if anyone knows of an unwanted yorkie let me know. He really wants one and asks for one all the time! He has actually eaten a little bit today, I had beef fajita's for lunch and I always let him have them (he only eats the steak strips) and then there was apple sauce on my dinner tray that he ate most of, I got him a bag of doritos and a hershey bar that he will snack on later and a sprite. Well I gotta get off of here, Dancing with the Stars will be on soon!
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, 'says the Lord, who has compassion on you" Isaiah 54:10

Getting Blood

2009-09-16T16:07:00.002-05:00

We are in OKC today, Caleb had to have a blood transfusion, his hemoglobin was too low so he needed blood, his platelets are low also so he can't do chemo until next week. We will be back in OKC on Friday for his pre-admit and then over to Scott-Sabolich for his first prosthesis fitting. We are very excited about this! Last Saturday they had the Caleb-Fest and that went very well. Caleb really enjoyed it, he sat there selling t-shirts all day with his friend, Anna, from school. It's exciting to see how much people care. I will be putting a picture of the shirt on here with a number to call in case anyone wants to order one, Caleb liked them really well. Well we are getting ready to leave so I better close this out. Have a wonderful evening!
Psalm 121:1-2I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

Today...

2009-09-10T08:40:00.002-05:00

Where to start... This has been a really tough week, I'm not sure why exactly. Someone from church is making t-shirts for the Caleb Fest and she asked if there was a scripture that we had held onto through this...I thought that would be easy, I'd just go through the blog and pull one out, HA! Let me tell you, going back through the blog...Oh man, it brought everything right back to the surface, that was on Monday, Tuesday I had to go through pictures for a video of Caleb for the Caleb Fest, again ripping my heart out...Seeing him all through his life, so full of life... Mom's hold their newborn babies and count their toes and fingers and bend their legs and arms...we make sure everything works, that everything is all there and ok....Then today, I just listened to the interview that I did about Caleb and ... She asked me about Caleb...there is so much I didn't say, he is a vibrant child... I love words, I always have, but there just aren't big enough, or colorful enough words to describe Caleb... Caleb is the brightest, sunniest, blue sky, full of lighting and thunder and the most fantastic rainbow you have ever seen all at once! Can you picture that? All of this that he has been through this year, it has made him a better person, he is the same, but different, yes, more grown up, that is a given in a situation like this, he is more loving, more caring, more open, tender, softer, gentler, brighter, happier... Wow...how do you go through finding out you have cancer, go through chemo and all that that entails ( hair loss, weight loss, nausea, low blood counts...) have your leg amputated, wait 3 months to be told you can have your prosthesis, miss a year of school, lose any form of normalcy whatsoever, have people stare at you, and somehow, through all of that wind up being a happier , better, more content with life, person? Oh, and only be twelve?
Well I need to go get Caleb up so we can get ready to go to OKC to have his leg cast, by the way, the scripture that I finally came up with?
Lamentations 3:21-23 21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Great News...

2009-09-03T16:07:00.002-05:00

Great news! Caleb's leg has been approved!!! We are super excited! He has an appointment next Wednesday for them to cast his leg, then we go back the next week to start the fittings. Isn't that just awesome? His teacher (Ms. Heather) is here right now, they are trying to find him a book to read. He is just now starting his schooling for the year. I love Heather, she won't let him get away with slacking. Well, I think that's it for now, I just wanted to catch you all up. I appreciate all of you so much, thank you for all your prayers and support and please don't stop praying! We still have a long way to go on this journey! Once the leg is ready to wear it will have to be fitted a few times for comfort, and I am sure walking with it will be a challenge of it's own. I have no doubts that he will be able to master this challenge with the same strength he has had through all of this, and like he said to me just a little while ago. "God has been working!" . I agree and I believe He will continue to do so!
"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."(Luke 18:27)

Today...

2009-09-02T08:24:00.003-05:00

We are home from the hospital, we got here around 3:30 yesterday, just in time to pick up Jacob and feed him before his game. Jake had his very first football game last night, he didn't get to play but he sure looked good in his uniform! (Big grin here from mom) They won, 24-12, yeah!!! He was running around saying "we're undefeated!" Yeah, he's a goober.
Caleb had to have a blood transfusion before his last round of chemo night before last. He was so ready to come home (me too). I think it is getting harder to go do this instead of easier. It is easier in that we know what to expect but harder to just do it. I let him go to school today and it was harder to drive away today than it was on the first day of school. I cried all the way home. I prayed as I drove away that God would protect him from all sickness, to keep him from falling and to protect him from meanness. I know that no one made fun of or picked on him the last time he went but I also know there is a first time for everything and some kids can be very cruel. Pastor Doug came to see us this trip and has asked Caleb to do an interview. Doug is going to do a sermon (sermon may not be the right word) at Youth Convention on heroes. He wants to use Caleb as an example and would even like for him to be there and to come out on stage (with other people). Caleb isn't sure about this yet so we will see what happens. Well I think I have you all caught up for the moment, I am including something from one of my devotions from today. I waited to read them until I got home from dropping off the boys, solitude, just me and God, I can hear Him speak that way! I know all of you mom's know exactly what I mean! I will add my own thoughts in red so you know what is mine and what inspired me to think.
Psalm 46: 1 "God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble." One of my absolute favorite scriptures!
I don't like pain. I dread uncertain times. When life spirals out of control, I often withdraw from friends and family in an attempt to hide. Stress can paralyze me and make it difficult for me to function normally. Small tasks become huge mountains as the clouds gather and the winds pick up speed. To think that storms are for my good is a stretch to say the least. (All of that describes me perfectly! I seriously couldn't have described me any better! I have dealt with all of this through this journey we are on, and even Caleb has gone through the withdrawing part.)
I know you have repeatedly heard and even taught the truth that we are strengthened by our storms. Honestly, there have been times when I felt as if I would explode if one more person told me to praise God for my storm.( I will add, you don't praise Him for the storm, you praise Him THROUGH the storm!) Looking back, however, there is absolutely no doubt that my greatest growth has come during my most fierce life storms. Each storm has become a spiritual marker, a testament to the sufficiency and faithfulness of God. ( I have to agree with that) It is from those markers that a powerful life is shaped and molded.
Father, give me new eyes to see Your hand at work in the midst of my life storms. I surrender my fear and disbelief to the certainty of Your truth. I choose to trust You even if I don't understand You. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I ask that You strengthen me for whatever tomorrow holds and help me to remember that tomorrow is in Your hands.
In Jesus' name, Amen( I thought that prayer was spot on so I left it alone!)

Update

2009-08-29T15:40:00.002-05:00

I guess I better get this updated...We are in OKC for chemo, this is the 5 day treatment so we will be here until Tuesday sometime. Caleb got sick last so they started giving him Phenergan so he slept thru the night and most of today. He finally woke up and ate a sloppy joe and drank a little sprite and he just asked the nurse for another sprite. Now we are watching the Jonas Brothers (joy, joy). I'm guessing he will be back asleep before to long.
Jacob's first football game is Tuesday night and we should be home for at least part of it. He seems to really like it so I guess that is a good thing. They had a code blue call over on the stem cell side today, made me cry...hit to close to home I guess, it turned out ok though.
I am going to add one of my devotions from yesterday, hope it speaks to you too!
Today's Truth
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).
Friend To Friend
I can't take it anymore, Danita said as she flopped down in the recliner in her den. It was late afternoon, and plenty of evening duties still lay before her. She felt like she'd been putting out fires all day long with no one to help. Somewhere inside of her, she knew she shouldn't be feeling so irritated and helpless. She was running out of energy, and not enjoying life the way she once did. When she breathed her prayer of Lord, please help me ... it was more out of desperation than a sincere cry for help.
Have you ever felt like Danita? Oh, I have! Well, take heart frazzled sister! Your God is strong and mighty to save and, He's longing to invade your daily circumstances and pull you out of the pit. Only our God can bring stability out of the messes of life. As your Heavenly Father, it delights Him to comfort you and rescue you. He understands your stress and knows how the events of daily living can leave you feeling haggard and depleted. If you will turn to Him and allow Him to do so, He will fight your battles, restore your joy, and usher you into victorious living. He is waiting for you to be still.
As a small child, I escaped to the deep end of the pool one day and jumped into water way over my head. I remember fighting underwater, trying to get back to the top. The harder I fought, the deeper I went. I didn't know how to swim. Exhausted, I stopped fighting and expected to drown. Still and helpless, I then floated to the top, where a lifeguard noticed me and quickly pulled me to safety.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the stress-pool of life, struggling, doing everything imaginable to fight my way to the top, only to arrive nowhere, feeling exhausted and helpless. Then, I finally remember to be still and fall into the arms of my Mighty Rescuer. Not one moment during my frantic struggle does He turn His gaze from me. In fact, He has already rescued me many times. I just don't realize it. In great patience (because He alone knows what's best for me), He waits until I give up my fight of self-sufficiency to demonstrate His power.
Let's Pray
Dear Lord, why do I continually try to fight my way through my daily circumstances? Please remind me today, through Your Holy Spirit, to remember how much You long to help me, give me peace and rescue me from the stress I experience. I love You so much and I want to thank You - once again - for being my Mighty Rescuer! In Jesus' name, Amen.

No need for words...

2009-08-23T09:04:00.004-05:00

Caleb and I will be missing church this morning because on Friday when he did his cbc's his white cell count was extremely low so he is very susceptible to any illnesses floating around. He was very disappointed because he really wanted to go to school Friday. He has a Dr.s appointment tomorrow, it is just a pre-admit for chemo and they may bump it due to his counts, we'll see. Hopefully by tomorrow all his counts will be good and we won't get off track on the completion of his chemo. He is so very ready for life to be some sort of normal again. I would have to agree with that. Scott Sabolich called last week to let me know that they finally know what it is that the insurance company wants from them so maybe now the leg process will finally get moving. Caleb is tired of using crutches and only leaves the house to go to necessary appointments, across the street to his friends house, church and to school the first day. I haven't heard from the school to know about a teacher yet. I will try to update again tomorrow after we see the Dr. .
Through all of this, I have fought feeling guilty for not talking to God more, and this morning, while doing my daily devotionals, it dawned on me that I don't have to talk...He knows me, He knows my every thought. I don't have to talk because I know that He already knows so there is no need for words. Does that make sense? This morning it just all came together and I finally relaxed in the knowledge that He is there (here) and He knows, and it is ok if I don't talk. We used to sing a song at church, some of the words are the way I am feeling this morning... "I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming." This morning, I feel so close to Christ, that I can feel the warmth of His presence and there is just no need for words...
Psalm 94:18-19When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Melting down...

2009-08-16T14:39:00.006-05:00

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:34
Have you ever felt that way? I have, a lot. It's been a rough year and there are 4 months left. I usually see the glass half full, lately it gets harder and harder to not see half empty. I hate to admit this, but I have spent a lot of time this year when I have not been on speaking terms with God. You would think that all those hours spent in the hospital watching Caleb sleep, playing worship music, looking for scriptures, surely I should have felt a oneness with God through all those circumstances; that would be the spiritually mature and obedient response. But I have not always feel that. I have, many times,felt totally abandoned. It is my own fault that I feel this way, He is there, waiting for me to come to Him, I just have this ridiculous need to be strong and handle it all on my own. I know that I am in desperate need of a complete melt down. I have cried many times through all of this, but I have not just let it all go until there is that break through that comes from opening the flood gates. I need to do that, it is time. I need to let God comfort me, so that I can be a comfort. I need to let Him build me back up, so that I can continue to be strong for Caleb.

Lord, thank You for the reminder that You are my Comforter. You know me. You know about my sometimes shallow faith and my doubts. Yet You still love me, in spite of myself. Thank You for still being there even when I abandon You. Thank You for loving me through my silence, for quietly waiting for me to come to You.

Sleep

2009-08-15T21:51:00.002-05:00

Caleb actually slept through the night last night, so I am hoping for the same tonight. We had everyone over today to celebrate the birthdays while Daniel was home, it was nice to have him here. He is leaving tomorrow, I am hoping he will go to church with us, we'll see. There isn't really anything new I just thought I would drop a line. Hope everyone has a good nights sleep! I will close with the same scripture I used last night.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. (Psalm 3:5)

Home

2009-08-14T22:08:00.002-05:00

Just thought I would let everyone know that we are home. Caleb finished chemo around 4 this afternoon. He is laying on the couch playing Yo-ville on Facebook. It went pretty well except he did get pretty nauseous last night. They gave him meds for it and he went to sleep and slept most of the day today. I just hope he goes to sleep tonight, however if his behavior right now is any indication then I would say he will be up for hours! Mommy is very, very tired, so I am going to bed now. Hope everyone has a wonderful nights sleep!!!

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. (Psalm 3:5)

Procrastination...

2009-08-13T11:43:00.002-05:00

We are back in the hospital for chemo, but this is the short treatment so we will go home tomorrow evening. We had a good start to our day though, Daniel is in town for the weekend and he hit town just a few minutes before we left and he will be there until Sunday so we are happy. Daniel has been working in Nebraska for the last month so we have been missing him and the last time he came home we were here and didn't get to see him. It is perfect timing because we are having a birthday party for Jessie this Saturday, her b-day is tomorrow and Scott's was yesterday. So, since Daniel is home everyone will get to be there. School started in Ponca yesterday and Caleb went. He made it through the entire day, I was worried because he didn't get to sleep until about 3:30 am and got up at 6:30 to get ready, but he made it. He said no one made him feel bad and he enjoyed his day so all is well. Jacob started high school!!! I can't believe it has gone by so quickly, it seems like yesterday I was sending him off to kindergarten. He is playing football this year, for the first time ever, I am a little nervous about it! His thighs are very sore from the exercises they have them do. I told him he will be in good shape by the time the season is over. He does pull ups every morning now also, so he is going to get all buff I guess. I think I have caught you up on everyone so I will tell you the latest on Caleb now. At the moment we are at a stand still on his prosthesis. They have denied it over paper work. So the run around begins, next week I will start making phone calls, I made a couple yesterday after I got the letter from the insurance co. and next week I will make more calls, it is hard to try to do that kind of stuff from the hospital. He is taking it in stride for the moment, however, I think if he were going to be in school every day it would really bother him. I am going to add a couple of excerpts from my daily devotions, I thought they were rather appropriate today. Joy is the deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.
My Father, how hard it is—and how powerful—to praise and thank You in all circumstances!

Give me understanding, and I shall live. Psalm 119:144
And to stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord. . . . I Chronicles 23:30

Passion...

2009-08-05T19:45:00.002-05:00

Someone I know asked the question "what are you passionate about?", it got me to thinking... What am I passionate about, anything? At all? So, what is the definition of passionate? 1 a: easily aroused to anger b: filled with anger : angry2 a: capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling b: enthusiastic, ardent, the third one does not apply here. What moves me to show intense feeling? It is a little disconcerting to know that I am not moved by much, so I have to ask myself why? There is a lot going on in my life right now, so I am sure that accounts for some of my complacency, but not all of it. When did I become so indifferent? Have I ever been passionate about anything? Yes, without a doubt, at one time I was completely on fire, passionate about Christ. I let other relationships get in the way and steal that zeal that I had for Christ. I was hungry for more of Him, I read the Bible, daily, I prayed, and by that I mean I had a continuous conversation going on with Him, I read books and studied. That in turn made me a better person all around. Looking back I know exactly where and when I let go of that passion and let something else take it's place, and I have never recovered it, I came close a few years ago, so very, very close and I let it go again. I have moments of passion, like Sunday morning as we were walking to our seats at church one of the teens, in a very sarcastic manner, said, "aww, poor Caleb Seaton". I can not begin to tell you how much PASSION I had at that moment, but Jacob grabbed my arm and said come on mom, and I did the grown up thing and sat down. I love my children, passionately, if it appears that someone is going to cause them pain in any way I tend to overreact, from the oldest all the way down to the youngest. But, I don't have a cause that drives me, should I? Other that Christ, and I do believe that He should be all of our driving force, are we supposed to have a passion other than Him? Our families? Yes, I do believe so, after that I think priorities play a huge role. We should be passionate about life, every moment, every breath we take is a gift and we should passionately appreciate it and share the maker of this life as often as possible. I need to ponder this some more, in the mean time, what are you passionate about? Please, feel free to leave me comments. If you leave them anonymously you may have to try more than once. Now, an update on Caleb, since this is supposed to be about him... His blood counts are low so we will be going to OKC tomorrow for a blood transfusion. He won't go back for chemo until the middle of next week. He still isn't sleeping well at night, not because of pain though. I am not really sure what the problem is, so we will keep having our late night talks until he gets it all worked out.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Psalm 42:1-4

My apologies...

2009-08-04T19:50:00.004-05:00

I am sorry it has been so long since I have updated, I am just worn out. We had the sale this past weekend and it turned out sooooo much bigger than we expected. We had so many donations we will have to have another one and people are still telling us they have stuff to donate. We are incredibly blessed!!! Caleb's platelets are low so he has had a few nose bleeds and he has a couple of mouth sores so he isn't eating very good now. He will go tomorrow morning to have cbc's done and if they are back up then he will go in for chemo on Friday. I am hoping they are good because school starts next week, I have a test scheduled for myself and there are a thousand other little things I need to get done, not to mention he is more than ready to get this all over with. We still don't know anything about his prosthesis, it is still "pending documentation", how ridiculous is that? Caleb couldn't sleep the other night and out of the blue he asked me why bad things happen to good people, so we had an interesting talk and then as we were listening to some music one of the songs said something about God walking through the fire with us and it was perfect timing (funny how God does that) I told him that God never said we wouldn't have to go through the fire but He did promise to be right there with us. Well, Caleb just informed me that he fell while I gone to pick up his brother so I am going to go check him over and give him some hugs and kisses.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22
Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4

tomorrow...

2009-08-01T21:37:00.002-05:00

I will update tomorrow, am exhausted from the sale. Caleb is complaining of pain tonight so please say a prayer for him, we need a GOOD nights sleep!!!
Proverbs 3:24when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Jeremiah 31:26At this I awoke and looked around. My sleep had been pleasant to me.

Monday...

2009-07-27T11:45:00.002-05:00

Caleb is still sleeping, he has his nights and days all mixed up so needless to say mommy is very sleep deprived again. He has been really upbeat this time around, he jokes with the nurses, he is eating and drinking and he is just really in a good frame of mind. Now if I could just get him to sleep at night and stay awake during the day!!! We should get to leave here around 5:30 pm tomorrow...we'll see, his chemo was an hour late this morning. The fault lies with the pharmacy not the nurses, for the most part he has wonderful nurses up here. I guess thats all for now, I just wanted to update you on how he is doing this time around. Have a blessed week and remember...
Mark 10:27Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Philippians 4:13 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

New Post

2009-07-24T19:19:00.002-05:00

We are in OKC for chemo. This is a five day treatment, so we get to settle in for the long haul. We have a nice big room this time (yippee). Caleb is doing fine, he has played playstation, watched TV and right now he is playing Farmtown on Facebook. Nothing is any different here than at home except he is attached to the pole. Oh, and he can't sneak out when I'm not looking! :) Yesterday they had a blood drive in Caleb's honor, it went well, I think. There were people that came that had no idea who we are, they just saw it in the paper and came. I had one gentleman tell me it was an honor to give, it does the heart good to know that there are still people that care.
Zephaniah 3:17The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Blood counts...

2009-07-21T20:40:00.002-05:00

Well, Caleb had an appointment in OKC today so that he could go in on Thursday for his next chemo but his platelets are low so he will do more cbc's on Thursday and if his count is up then he will go in for chemo on Friday. This time will be a 5 day treatment and I don't like the 5 day treatments because he refuses to eat the hospital food, so he winds up going days without eating and he won't tell me what he wants to take with us this time. Other than that he is doing really well. He is eating and drinking plenty of fluids, he is active so I wasn't really sure his counts would come back low, the only sign this time are the dark circles under his eyes. Right now he is across the street playing and he will be in BIG trouble when he gets home because he snuck out the back door! (I'm wearing my best angry face) Have I mentioned that his hair is coming back? They say he will lose it again but is sure is nice to see, it adds so much color to his face, he looks healthy! I hate that he lost his leg, but as soon as they took it his color came back, he isn't gray anymore, his lips and cheeks have color! He is a beautiful boy (yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to say that about a boy) but he is. We talked with the Dr. today about whether to go to school or not and we are in agreement that he should wait until January to try to go back full time. I will let him go some, like he was doing before school let out for the summer, so that he stays plugged in and doesn't get so depressed. Well I think I better go drag the child home, it's getting dark out.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 "The LORD bless you and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Swimming...

2009-07-14T20:37:00.006-05:00

Well they did not cast Caleb's leg yesterday, they have to wait for the insurance to clear it first, not really sure how long that will take. We did find out that only the top half of the leg will be able to have the tatoo (at least for now), so I'm not sure what he will do yet. The phantom pain has pretty much disappeared so that is wonderful (for both of us). He is drug free now, I did give him a pain pill the other night after he fell on his tail bone because it was hurting pretty bad, but other than that, he hasn't had any pain meds or valium since last Thursday night in the hospital. A couple of days ago he went to stand up and he said he just forgot that his leg was gone and fell backwards right onto his tail bone. He seems to be ok though, it scares me really good every time it happens. Have you ever seen the movie "Passion of the Christ"? There is a scene where Jesus falls and as his mother runs to him she flashes back to when he was a little boy and he has fallen and she is running to pick him up... They are never so big that we don't have the need to run and try to help them up. He has been out in the pool, he just came in and is looking over my shoulder right now, well there he goes... This is the first time that he has been in the pool since the surgery. I took pictures of the boys in the pool so as soon as Jacob gets them on the computer I will get this posted. By the way, he has done really well since coming home from the hospital. He is eating and drinking and it has just been completely different than the first time around with the chemo. I am very proud of him. If we stay on schedule Caleb will finish chemo the week after his 13th birthday, which is October 15th. He still has a very long process with the leg and he will have to go back every 3 months for a very long time, but hey, we are getting there!

Continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
— Colossians 2:6 (NIV)

This too shall pass...

2009-07-10T10:35:00.002-05:00

The last few days have been kinda rough. A few days ago Caleb commented to Jacob and I both that we were lucky, we have two legs and then in the middle of the night I went to check on him and he was standing in front of the mirror looking at himself. The look on his face was so sad, it was very hard not to cry, but sometimes crying with him isn't the answer. I told him it is ok to feel that loss but that he has to go on, feeling sorry for himself will destroy his life. Thankfully, he doesn't get like that very often. Wednesday evening he was trying to get his shoe out of his closet and fell, hard, on his good leg, and cut his knee open a little bit. Yesterday, here at the hospital, I had come out of the restroom and was drying my hands and he asked me if it hurts me, I asked if what hurts me and he lifted his leg...I said yes, sometimes I look at him and it hurts me, for him...Right now we are still at the hospital doing chemo, we will get out of here late this afternoon. He had a pretty rough night. First he had a headache then his knee started hurting where he fell on it and then the phantom pain kicked in, 3 hours after he told the nurse he had a headache she brought him pain pills, by this time he was so worked up that I asked about the Valium so she had to call down and order it, and honestly I can't tell you how long that took. I don't know when we finally got to sleep. Then he woke up and needed to go to the bathroom...Now I am sure most of you know that when you are in the hospital they have to measure every thing, so that means Caleb has to pee in what they call a "urinal". So...he wakes up at around 4, needs to "go", I am sleeping, and I wake up to what sounds like water pouring on the floor... It is hard for him to hobble to the bathroom with one crutch, and his IV pole so I told him not to, to just sit on the edge of the bed, well he stands, but ok...so he lost his balance, and missed the urinal... I can laugh now, it was not funny at 4 this morning... so he got his balance back and then lost it again and fell over, barely landing on the very edge of the bed, gets up and starts to go the other direction! It could have been very bad! After they came and mopped and Caleb was back asleep , me and God, we had us a nice long talk!!! I let Him know just what I thought of all of this, not that He didn't know already, I just hadn't said it to Him. I tend to put up walls, shut people out, including God. It is very hard for me to lean on any one or anything, even God. I just almost can not ask for help and that is exactly what God wants us to do, ask, seek, knock... He wants to help, to be needed, wanted, to just be there...I got on here at around 4 this morning and posted on of my devotions for the day and a couple of scriptures so I'm gonna leave it at that, please read it also.

One of Todays Devotions

2009-07-10T04:19:00.003-05:00

Philippians 1:6 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Thoughts on today's verse
God made the world in 6 days. Now he sustains it with his powerful word. But in each of us, he is still at work and will continue to work to his glory (see Philippians 2:12-13) until Christ comes to take us home!
Prayer:
Thank you Father, for being at work in my life. I confess that at times you seem distant, but looking back over the crucial moments where things were held in the balance, I can see your fingerprints and your grace leading me to where I am today. Please make your presence more powerfully known in my life as I seek your will and live to your glory. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Matthew 19:26With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup.Psalm 16:5 NIV

Just thinking...

2009-07-06T09:45:00.004-05:00

I have realized, it is getting harder for me to update this...
The weekend has been a mix of emotions for Caleb and I. He wanted so very badly to go out with the kids during the day on the 4th, he would go to the door and watch and finally he went to his room and laid down. Now, he could have gone out, no one was making him stay in and later when everyone, adults included, went out then he did to. He didn't shoot off as many of his fireworks as the other kids did because someone would have to carry his stuff because of the crutches. He didn't complain too much though. He is getting pretty frustrated, he can't even carry his own plate to the table, really, it's hard for him to even make his own plate. Yesterday, I was outside working in my much overgrown "garden" area and the boys came out. Now honestly, Caleb doesn't go outside much anymore so it's good he was outside. Eventually Jacob took off running and the dog was chasing him and after a couple times around the front yard Caleb said " I will never be able to do that again", I immediately told him yes he will, but it comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks, "wow, he can't do that", Then there is the whole shower situation, it is really difficult for him to take a shower in either of our bathrooms. Last night we were watching tv and a commercial came on for one of those tubs that you can walk into, and he says to me " I want one of those!", he is right it would be so much easier for him, I would love to be able to remodel the bathroom so he could have that but it is not possible. Caleb is a little fish, he loves the pool, but now he can't even do that because we have no railings to hold onto to get up the steps, (it is an above ground pool). There are just so many things that are so much harder now...you just don't think about some of these things, and it seems like it is something new everyday. Some things will get much easier when he gets his leg, he will be able to regain some of his independence then but some things like showering and swimming...that won't change. He is still having a LOT of phantom pain at night, so we are not getting much sleep, at least I'm not, I let Caleb sleep really late because he is up half the night, I do have that option. We are still listening to music to get to sleep and once in awhile Caleb will actually sleep in his bed instead of on the sofa. I have gotten to where I sleep better in the recliner than in my own bed! That is just kinda sad, is it not?
New update...I just got off the phone with the Dr.s office and Caleb's echo is scheduled for tomorrow at 3 and the date to restart chemo is now on Thursday. He starts back up with a short treatment, this is the one that causes the mouth sores and nausea. They give him medication for the nausea but for the mouth sores he needs to drink a lot of fluids before during and after and he just won't do it, so please keep that in mind as you pray for him. Sometimes I look back over these before I post them and think they sound whiny, but I'm not whining or complaining, I am merely stating the facts of our lives. It will all eventually work out, God is taking very good care of us through this, and I know that He will continue to do so.
Lord, so often our weakest moments become our strengths. Thank You for the little things that help us to remember to push on.
Psalm 55:16-18 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.

Life...

2009-07-03T08:52:00.002-05:00

My stepmom passed away one week ago today. This was unexpected, she wasn't in good health, but she was just at our house the Sunday before. Linda was so good about calling and checking on Caleb, she would bring him chocolate shakes and in the beginning of all of this with Caleb, she gave him a little cross necklace to hang onto and he did, through the first chemo treatment, he asked for it on the first night and slept with it, we will miss her. To see my dad cry is almost as hard as watching Caleb go through this. I am praying that the next six months hold nothing but good news and good memories.
Last week the orthopedic surgeon released Caleb to go back in for chemo and to be fitted for his leg so on Tuesday of this week we went to the clinic to see the Dr. and he said Caleb is doing great and agreed that we could wait until next Wednesday to start chemo again. Jacob has a Dr.s appointment on Tuesday and I opted to put off chemo for one day so that we didn't have to change his appointment. The fact that I made a decision to put him first seem ed to really mean something to him, so I think we probably need to do that more often. I know that Jacob is feeling very left out through all of this, they are both getting the short end of the stick. Jake tries so hard to act like he can't stand Caleb but the other day he and I were in the laundry room and Caleb was coming out and fell down the stairs and Jacob ran and caught him before he could hit the ground, then later that night, he picked him up off the floor and carried him to the couch. The way these boys fight sends me right to the edge most days and then these little, short moments of reaching out touch me so much, and keep me going another day. Ok, so back to the schedule... Caleb is supposed to have another echo but they haven't called me yet with that information so I don't know when that will be, it was supposed to be on this coming Tuesday after Jacobs appointment but we'll see. So, Caleb does chemo on Wednesday, it is the short cycle, and then the following Monday he goes to be cast for his leg. On Friday of that week he goes back for fittings and then more fittings the week after that. Soon he will not have to use the crutches anymore. He will be relieved. Yesterday we were at Wal-mart and there was a little girl staring at him, I had not noticed this, but Caleb had put his crutches in the basket and was standing behind it so you could not see his lower half unless you came up from behind us. He finally said to me " I hate that", when I asked what he said the staring so I turned and saw the little girl. I've tried to tell him that the little kids are just curious, they just want to know what happened, they are usually sad for him but it still hurts him, he feels like a freak, anyway...I made eye contact with the little girl and she asked me very quietly what happened... so I told her. Every day it is something new, a new experience for us...stretching us, pulling us, refining us... He had a bad night last night, it has gotten so much better, so last night was a surprise. The "sock" that he has to wear over him stump causes his leg to hurt some, and he walked through most of Wal-mart yesterday, so by the time we got out of there he was already in some pain and we just couldn't get it under control until about 4:30 this morning. He is sleeping right now (9:40) and I will let him sleep as long as he wants today. Well, I better get this posted, I have a long day ahead of me...preperation for tomorrow...Have a happy and safe 4th!!! Remember this, God is still God, He still watches over us, He loves us, each and every one...
"But the LORD is in His holy temple; the LORD still rules from heaven. He watches everyone closely, examining every person on earth."
Psalm 11:4 (NLT)

Definitions...

2009-06-28T19:12:00.005-05:00

My mind has been swirling with thoughts lately, they flit in and out and I can't seem to get them to form coherent sentences. Finally, today on the way to church, some of them began to come together, and then during Pastor Micah's sermon this morning (very good by the way) more of them began to fall into place, so I will try to put all these jumbled words down.
Cancer: one of the meanings is: anything bad or harmful that spreads and destroys. I can tell you from experience that almost everyone has some form of cancer growing in them. What ? Yes, think about that meaning...and then think about this, hatred, bitterness, resentment, anger, envy... I personally have and to be perfectly honest, still am, dealing with a few of those things myself. They grow, fester, eat away and destroy so much of our lives, that is cancer. Please, examine yourself...is there something growing in you that is killing a part of you? Let it go! Lets run through that list...hatred- when my kids say "I hate you", I ask them if they want that person that they think they hate to burn in hell for all eternity, because that is hatred (they always adjust the words they use). There is someone in my life that I struggle with those feelings over, it makes me sick to have so much BAD feeling for this person. I take these feelings to God quite often, but believe me when I tell you, it is a cancer, if I don't stop it, it will over take me and destroy a big part of our lives. Bitterness- who among us has not had some bitterness in our lives? This also is something I am struggling with. Caleb could let bitterness over losing his leg destroy him, but he is choosing life! Resentment, anger- both of these I also understand...why my son? But then again, I wouldn't even wish that on that person that I fight hating! There are so many things that we allow to eat away at us, to destroy good things in our lives. We allow anger to turn into resentment, which turns to bitterness, which turns to hatred, and it destroys relationships and lives. Think about how many marriages, families there are that don't have to fall apart, if we would just let go of those feelings, let forgiveness come in and take over. So...what's eating at you? What do you need to let go of? We are never truly happy and at peace with ourselves when we hang onto these things, so go through your inner closets, take out the trash and burn it up! Take it the cross and leave it there! If Christ could hang on that cross and say " Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", then how can we hang onto the petty nonsense we hang onto? And yes, I understand that not all of it is petty, but in the long run, how much time and energy do you want to waste on self righteous indignation? Some of us have gone through some pretty horrific things, use those things to help others, to build others up, to bring life!!! Don't allow some form of cancer to destroy your life, your marriage, your children's lives, other relationships... Choose life!!! When we are angry, we take it out on those around us, all of those bad feelings I talked about...they build walls, please, please, break down those walls. I know this has not been about Caleb today, but then again, in a way it is. I could let all of those feelings I mentioned destroy our lives, those things would all rub off on the people around me and destroy them also... I fight one thing or another every day so that all of this will not destroy our lives, our family, our purpose...If these feelings destroy us, then what purpose has this served? God does have a plan...
Psalm 27:13 I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

By the way, my stepmom passed away on Friday, please keep my dad in your prayers. The service is tomorrow at 2pm. After its all over and everyone gets back to life, it will be rough for a while.

Cancer free...

2009-06-25T21:12:00.004-05:00

Last night Caleb slept from 12:30 to almost 10 this morning! He took pain meds at 12:30 and went right sleep, finally he had a good nights sleep! Today he had a Dr.s appointment to look at his incision and that went very well, she said they got it all and it was dead. Yay!!! He still has 8 chemo treatments left but we are halfway through this thing. We go back to the oncologist next Tuesday for a check up and they will let us know when he starts chemo again. I have decided I will not let them start him back up until after the 4th, he missed Easter at home and that was so very hard on him, we will be home for the 4th!!! He is already begging for fireworks. He is quite the firecracker himself!

It has been an exhausting week. Most nights Caleb has woken up in pain or was in so much pain before going to sleep that I couldn't get to sleep. I don't like drugs, so this has been a struggle for me, how much, how often? I know that I have already said that music is the only thing that helps but I am saying it again. Now I will be painfully honest here, I haven't felt much like praising the Lord lately. As humans we tend to expect God to act according to what we want and when we want it, that isn't how it works. My spirit has been in turmoil, so that music that does so much for Caleb...quiets my soul too. It has probably saved my sanity this week.

2 Corinthians 4:8,9 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. And finally....

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in (not for)all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

untitled...

2009-06-23T10:42:00.002-05:00

I know that I need to update this, but honestly, I am so mentally exhausted I can't think. We actually got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night, so that was awesome! Caleb took his meds at 11 and we slept until 5 and then he took more and slept until around 9. Not to bad!!!
He is sitting on the couch right now, every once in awhile he will cry out, meds at 11. A few minutes ago he was lying there with his "stump" as he calls it, it the air and he said to me " I have a stump mom, and I don't like it! I want it back.", what do say to that? I don't know that he was really looking for a response, just stating the facts. I want it back too! I have moments, walking behind him, or watching him to make sure he is balanced, that totally deflate me. I can't breathe, so how can he deal with this, if I can't? I have flash backs of kissing his little feet, tickling his feet, counting his toes when he was born, playing little piggy, telling him he still had baby feet and hands right up until a couple of years ago. And then I feel guilty for not being stronger, he seems to be taking this so much better than I.
Well, now he is looking at a fireworks flyer we got in the mail today...that should be great fun, NOT. The 4th is always a big deal at our house, but this year I am kinda scared, he can't throw them and run! Remember those Calgon commercials? Daniel gave me a coupon for a pedicure back on my birthday and I am thinking I need to go use it really soon!!! Well I need to get up and get busy, have a very blessed day. Sorry this has been so random.

Psalm 28:6,7 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Music...

2009-06-20T12:52:00.005-05:00

Well, we had another rough night. Caleb asked for pills around 12:30 and still couldn't get to sleep so finally I made him lie down on the couch again and he asked me turn on the music so I did and off to sleep he went. Around 6:30 he moved back to his room and asked me to bring all of his things (pillows, blanket,big red dog...) and put the music back on.....

That was this morning...for the last couple of hours, Caleb has been in his room cleaning. Yes, cleaning, he has gone through all of his drawers and gotten rid of a bunch of stuff, and come to realize that we spend a lot of money on him and he has never truly appreciated it. Wow! Sometimes I wonder if this child will ever cease to amaze me? He is growing up so quickly now. Normally your children take years to mature mentally and emotionally, Caleb is doing it in a matter of months, so it is so much more obvious. He called me in to help him and as we were going through some of his things we came across a box that held a cross necklace that had been given to him, it was empty so I asked where it was, and he told me he had given it to his friend that had headed up that car wash in his honor, and he wanted to know if that was ok... It is ok with me, she is a very special young lady, but it brought back memories of his oldest brother that made me smile. I have been blessed beyond my comprehension with sons. Each one of them is so special, so unique. There isn't anything they can't do and yes, I'm sure they would all be able to tell you something they can't do...but in my eyes, they can do anything!!! To this day, when they really smile it takes my breath away...When they hurt, it takes my breath way...each one of them, not just Caleb. Caleb is getting so much attention and love right now, the other three are getting lost in the shuffle. When you pray for Caleb, please remember his brothers also... we are all a part of each other, whether we realize it or not. We try to think that all of this only affects Caleb, because letting it affect us might make us seem selfish or inconsiderate, not so, any kind of loss touches every life involved. Sorry, I tend to get lost in my thoughts....I guess thats all for now, I can hear Caleb in his room, playing his video games, Daniel and Jacob are on their way back from Woodward, Daniel had to deliver something for work, Scott is out golfing (someome should invite him to go sometime), and I need to call Ben and Aimee and make some plans for tomorrow. Life goes on, doesn't it?

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Today...

2009-06-19T15:07:00.004-05:00

Many times I have had people ask "what can I do", I finally have something I need help with. Caleb is having a hard time going to sleep at night, he has phantom pains that seem to be worse at night. Last night I finally made him turn off the tv and I put some music on and it worked. So, what do I need? Music for Caleb. He needs his own cd's to choose from. So, on behalf of Caleb, I am asking for music. Something young people would like but not little kid stuff, after all, he will be a teenager this year ( rolling my eyes profusely). Oh, the music needs to be christian artists, that is very important! Other than that, he seems to be doing well, this morning he was mouthing off about his "stump" and said to me " don't sit on it" and I asked why would I sit on it and he said back to me " some people sit on stumps", so he is still making jokes about it. He has a Dr.s appt. next Thursday, so I will have more information on what is next after that. I will add more later, right now Caleb wants on the computer.

He wants a puppy so he wanted to look for one on the computer. He has had a lot of pain today and the pain pills don't seem to do the job. Nothing does. There is nothing I can do for him to make it better. He needs to be able to rest, to sleep through the night, uninterrupted. I think we all need to be able to rest for awhile.

Proverbs 3:24When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.

One week ago today...

2009-06-17T21:58:00.002-05:00

Wow...I didn't realize until this moment that it had been one week today. He has done really well today, he went 11 hours without pain meds today! I made him take them around 8:30 and he wanted to know why but then probably 15 minutes later he started hurting so they kicked in just in time. He is in his room taking it easy now. I feel discombobulated tonight for some reason...can't seem to put my finger on what it is, so I will leave it at this for now.
Psalm 16:8
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Isaiah 41:13
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Graphic pictures below

2009-06-16T22:43:00.003-05:00

I want you to be prepared, there are some pretty graphic pictures of Caleb's leg below, so take a deep breath and decide whether you really want to see these. Caleb has seen them and actually asked me take pictures of his leg so he could see what it looks like. On Saturday during his therapy he asked the nurse to let go of him so he could do it on his own. My heart swells with pride and breaks for his loss all in one beat. He is an amazing young man, but please continue to hold him up in prayer! There are sure to be many moments that he will need the prayers banked for him!!!

Pictures...

2009-06-16T22:37:00.002-05:00

Caleb said it was ok to put these on so I thought what better way to update than this...

Untitled..

2009-06-15T08:52:00.005-05:00

I have a lot on my mind today but I will start with Caleb. We got home yesterday around 1:30 and the drive home was uneventful. When we left the hospital Caleb put himself in the front seat without help or pain, so that was great! Later, when mom got here to the house we were going to go to Wal-mart to fill prescriptions and Caleb decided he wanted to go, he said he has to live with it so he might as well get used to it. So, we went to Wal-Mart. Caleb drove one of the scooters through the whole store ,until the battery died, but we were ready to leave then anyway so he used his crutches the rest of the way. And yes, he is using crutches already. He is an amazing young man. He is so grown up now in so many ways, and yet, when he was in the most pain in the hospital he cried out, "it hurts mommy!". I can not begin to express what it does to you as a mother to see your child in that kind of pain and know that there is nothing you can do to help them, his little fingers would curl up and you could tell he just wanted to rip something to shreds but he would put his little hand on my face and rub my cheek.
He was so active yesterday that by 10 last night he was starting to hurt pretty bad, but he asked for his pain meds and he did his best to stay calm and use some of the things he's been taught to help ease the pain. He slept good through the night, I woke him at 2:30 and gave him meds because the stupid insurance wouldn't pay for the long lasting pain meds unless we can prove he needs it, I cried right there in the pharmacy. Too bad they weren't in the hospital with us! He is still sleeping right now, they will come to change his bandage between 1:30 and 2 so I will try not to give him pain meds until 12:30 so they will kick in right before they mess with his leg. Like I said, Caleb is an amazing young man and stronger than I can fathom.

I was trying to catch up on all of my "duties" yesterday and I sat down to fold socks. Now folding socks has NEVER been a favorite chore, I have four sons, you can imagine how many socks I've folded over the years. Yesterday that chore became a nightmare. Caleb doesn't need pairs, do I keep folding them or just put his in his drawer unfolded? There are just these moments that slam me right in gut, and I am overcome with grief and loss. How can this 12 year old child deal with this when I can't? One of my devotions today was on depression, I am there, I know this because I have been here before. Last time I did not recognize it, this time I know what it is. I like things to be in order, I need order, I am one of those people that organize all the game pieces when they put away a game. There are NO unmated socks in the drawers in this house! I don't want people to come to my house right now because there is chaos. I sit and do nothing...Twelve years ago when this hit me, I started going to the bar and singing karoake, this time, I play Farmtown. I can escape there. I did not know until this morning that I was doing this, but that one devotional took me back to that place and now I see what I am doing. So today I will take steps to keep this from spiraling out of control. I think we've lost enough already. So, I am straightening up my spine, standing firm and trudging on! With God all things are possible!!! We will get through this, and by the way, I folded the socks. In a few weeks Caleb will have another foot to put in those socks and he will need pairs. And yes, I am crying, and it is ok.

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

Caleb's victory

2009-06-13T19:07:00.002-05:00

Caleb wanted me to tell you all of his "glorious victory of walking by myself". He got up to relieve himself and decided to walk around the room all on his own. So...Yah Caleb!!! Go Caleb, Go Caleb...

Perseverance...

2009-06-13T14:33:00.002-05:00

Well, Caleb did walk down the hall yesterday. He went way further than she thought he would. He got up several times yesterday and then through the night to go to the restroom. Scott was here last night for a while and watched a movie with us. Last night was pretty calm, so that was nice. Jessie brought chicken from KFC for him today (and yesterday) so he ate 4 chicken legs today, they have the I V disconnected for now, so he is wire free unless he quits eating and drinking again. PT came and changed his bandage again and made him try and raise his leg up with his muscles instead of his hands. Then they had him walk down the hall again, but he went further today than yesterday. He laid back down, watched some tv, ate some gummies that Miss Robin brought yesterday and now he is snoozing away. He is an amazing young man. I chose this scripture for today...

A time to mourn, and a time to dance.— Ecclesiastes 3:4

The time for mourning is over, now we will start learning to dance!

One day at a time sweet Jesus...

2009-06-12T13:38:00.002-05:00

We used to sing this song:

I'm only human,I'm just a man
Help me believe in what I can be and all that I am
Show me the stairway I have to climb
Lord for my sake help me to take one day at a time
Cho... One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength to do ev'ryday what I have to do
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus, And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today show me the way One day at a time
Do you remember when you walked among men
Well Jesus you know it's worse now than then
Pushin' and shovin' crowding my mind
So for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time

That song came to mind today so I looked it up and the words are just perfect for Caleb.

Early this morning they took out the epidural and not long after, the pain overtook him. He was in excruciating pain for a very long time. Eventually the drugs kicked in and they got it under control. As horrible as it was some very good things came out of it... Caleb finally cried out to God, asked why and finally, showed some emotion. Kara has been writing on her blog about raw emotion...Caleb let go of some very raw emotion today. He screamed, and cried and it was the most horrific thing I have ever endured in my life, so I can't begin to imagine how horrifying it must be for a child. Once the pain was under control he slept for awhile and then they came in and redressed his bandage, got him to stand up and walk over to the chair with a walker. He sat in the chair for a little over an hour and then he had to go back to bed so he could sleep for a while before they come back at 2:45 and get him up again and walk him down the hall. Jessie tried to help him move back to the bed and he said to her "I can do it". This independence of his is finally a very good thing. We have all decided, Caleb is our hero!!! When the Israelites were in the desert and Caleb said we can do this...those giants weren't nearly as big as the giants my Caleb is fighting... He will overcome!
This scripture will become our family motto...

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

No words...

2009-06-11T21:44:00.002-05:00

I have had a really hard time getting on here to do this...What do I say? There are so many...raw emotions, as my friend Kara would say. I will start with the basics...Yesterday morning started out with Caleb coming into the dining room and asking if I thought he would get his sock back, I turned and said, what did you say and he asked again with a huge grin on his face, if I thought they would give him his sock back. I told him he is an awesome young man and completely fell apart and he hugged me and rubbed my back a little bit while I cried my eyes out. When did he become so grown up?
Now, after Caleb woke up after the surgery he was in a very good mood, at least that is what he showed us. He joked around about wiggling his toes and many other things, he thought that it was quite amusing to pass gas with everyone in the room, he was in very good spirits. However, later he was awake most of the night and eventually had to have some morphine, but honestly it was nothing compared to what he went through today. He woke up today in excruciating pain and literally sobbed in front of everyone, he was all but yelling it hurt so bad. They finally got it under control. Brian and Alicia were here for a good portion of this and after Caleb had calmed down and the pain had subsided I could tell he wanted to say something so I bent over and asked him what it was and very quietly he said "I hope they never have to go through this". He was speaking of Brian and Alicia's children. He is learning compassion, to think of others. His heart is growing. He is so strong, and I am so proud of him.
He has had several visitors since yesterday morning... Pastor Doug came up to see him before his surgery, then right before they moved him into a room Pastor Micah and Karen came in, and then they came back again later, needless to say my mom and sister were here, papa has been in and out, my dad and stepmom were here yesterday evening and daddy was back tonight, Daniel and Jacob came up yesterday and Scott was here yesterday, Pastor Richard and Casey were here today and Miss Heather, Miss Pat and the girls, (Hannah and Olivia) were here twice today, Brian and Alicia and their kids (Izzy and Ian) were here, my uncle Joe and Kristy their grandson were here this evening, I think that is all, but if I have missed someone please forgive me, I am not thinking very clearly right now.
Now then, to ALL of you that are calling and leaving me comments on here and on facebook...
Thank you!!! From the very depths of my innermost being, I thank you!! You will never know how many times I have seen a comment that has picked me up in a very weak moment. To know that there are so many people out there pulling for my child is so very...there is no word, heartwarming, touching, encouraging, nothing is deep enough. There just are not words to express how much I appreciate all of you. We love you, you have become a part of our lives, our family...thank you.

I pulled this out of the achives...
Psalm 90:2 and 4 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.
Thoughts on today's verse: So many things about our lives are uncertain. This one thing, however, is sure: no matter where, when, or how long, God will be there and will be with us.Joshua 1:5,6 Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous.

One from today

2009-06-11T10:01:00.001-05:00

Finding Treasures in Trials... "Almost every trial increases our love for others. So even if we don't see any other good, we know of at least one--more love."

devotions...

2009-06-10T19:05:00.002-05:00

When I finally got to read my devotions for the day this was the first one, very interesting how that works...
When Faith Struggles
Susanne Scheppmann

"Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4 (NIV)
Devotion:
My faith struggles. It occurs most often when something happens in life that is beyond my understanding. My faith plunges to below sea level depth when I witness a natural disaster, a family tragedy, or another Christian's failure. In my humanness, I cannot comprehend the "Why?"

Regardless of my stinkin' thinkin,' God is faithful. Scripture states the following three truths explicitly throughout the Bible.

God is faithful.
"He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is!" (Deuteronomy 32:4, NLT)
God always works in our best interests.
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. (Jeremiah 29:11, AMP)
God's ways are beyond our understanding.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9, NIV).
So what do I do when my faith plummets? I need to look to the truth that is deeper than my human reality. I need to acknowledge this fact - my faith can only grow when I have to trust God without the benefit of understanding every aspect of His divine will. I also need to realize that faith fluctuates and I am not the only one that struggles with the issue of doubt.

A biblical example of a person who struggled with his faith is the disciple Thomas. Thomas spent three years with Jesus. He watched the Lord perform miracles. But still his faith floundered. Jesus never gave up on Thomas but kept encouraging him to believe and to trust.

So when my faith struggles to stay afloat in a sea of doubt, I will look to Jesus for support. I will readily admit that I do not understand the why of the situation. And I will accept that it is part of the process of growing my faith. I will hold onto our Key Verse as a faith preserver. "Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:3-4, NIV).

If your faith is struggling today, join me in the journey of faith. We can walk in encouragement together knowing we are persevering and maturing and that one day our faith will be complete, not lacking in any area.

Dear Lord, at times my faith struggles. Help me to hold onto the truth of your Word. Allow me to remember my faith is in a state of growth in every circumstance. Grant me strength in my faith so that it may persevere and mature. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I am exhausted so I will catch up on all the details of the day tomorrow. May we all have a peaceful sleep tonight.

In a room now...

2009-06-10T10:50:00.001-05:00

Caleb is in his room now, it is room 563 at Mercy hospital in OKC. More later...

It is finished

2009-06-10T09:52:00.001-05:00

He will be in recovery for around an hour, then they will come get us.

To new beginnings...

2009-06-10T08:42:00.001-05:00

They have started. They gave him an epidural and they called to say he did great through that. Will update as we go.

turn on your sound and listen to the music...

2009-06-09T21:37:00.004-05:00

In less than 12 hours they will amputate my babies leg. Twenty one years ago I had a miscarriage and I thought I had never felt such pain...I was wrong, this is worse. I started to say nothing I have ever gone through has been this bad, but for a moment, when Daniel was born...he was dying, and I wanted to die too. That was the most agonizing thing ever, until this. A part of my child will die tomorrow...he will never be physically whole again. But what makes us whole? Is it our limbs? Our organs? A mate? A career? No, you will never be whole until you have that soul connection with Christ. I hurt right now, this is agonizing, I can not absorb what is about to happen, but to know that God almighty has endured worse, gives me some bit of comfort. He had to watch while His son was crucified so you and I might be saved. Are you?
Caleb wants the reference of this scripture printed on his new leg...
John 3 :16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. KJV

2009-06-08T08:45:00.001-05:00

Habakkuk 3:19The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

2009-06-07T07:41:00.001-05:00

Psalm 90:2 and 4 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.

Thoughts on today's verse
So many things about our lives are uncertain. This one thing, however, is sure: no matter where, when, or how long, God will be there and will be with us.

Joshua 1:5,6 Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous.

Update...

2009-06-05T21:50:00.002-05:00

Well, we changed the surgery date to Wednesday. I thought we could use a couple of extra days to absorb this. When we left home this morning I was still trying to decide if this was the right decision. I needed peace about this and to be perfectly honest I did not want to talk to God about it, I was just a little upset with Him. So... we got to the city and they showed us a little bit of the place and then they gave Caleb a t-shirt, water bottle, we got a bag, some pens and other stuff and then we met with a technician, by the way this place is awesome. She showed us some prosthetics, showed us how they work and then she brought in Josh. Josh works there, he is 21 and is an amputee. Josh had a form of bone cancer when he was a child and had his leg amputated at age 8. He is awesome. Caleb really enjoyed talking to him, he listened better than he has through this entire ordeal. As we sat there listening to Josh I felt so much better about this. When we were through talking they showed us the rest of the place, where they make the prosthetics, all the different stages of it and where he will have it fitted and then learn to use it. And yes, they really do make them right there. As we were touring I took a minute to thank Josh for talking to Caleb, he answered some questions I had and then, low and behold, I had peace. He even gave me his cell number for Caleb in case he has questions and wants to talk to him. He is an awesome young man! If he were just a little bit older, I know a couple of young ladies... :)
Caleb told me on the way home what he wants on his prosthetic, )they can put pictures, t-shirts, tatoos on them)... he has a poster in his room of the cross, with the purple robe over the arms of the cross and a crown of thorns over the top, with John 3:16 under the cross, he wants that put on his new leg. So Caleb is getting a tatoo...lol... I'm still not ok with this, I still want a miracle, but somewhere deep inside I think I knew this day would come. I keep standing on the story of Caleb in the Bible...he knew with God on his side he could do anything! Caleb knows this will not be easy but he is determined to make it work, and the fact that he asked for the cross on his leg let's me know that just like Caleb from the Bible, my Caleb "is of a different spirit and will follow God wholeheartedly".
Psalm 33:22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Still no words...

2009-06-04T21:33:00.002-05:00

Right this minute, I don't have words. I feel...ya know what...I don't want to feel right now. My baby is losing half of his leg. I don't know how to feel. Caleb cried in front of someone other than me today, that is a break through. The Dr. gave us the options and gave us her opinion and I trust her, they say she is one of the best. Some will say I should get a second opinion, I don't feel that it is necessary to do that. We go tomorrow to look at prosthetics, amazing that one of the leading places in the world is in OKC. I left the decision up to Caleb, he asked what I want him to do and I told him he had to decide, it is his leg. He said he will probably lose it in the long run anyway so he might as well go ahead and get it over with. I have an amazingly strong child. On the way home today he said "no 12 year old should have to go through this"... I told him no one should have to go through this. As far as I know surgery is still scheduled for Monday morning, if that changes I will post as soon as possible. Please, keep us in your prayers, we need it. I think the scripture and devotion below were perfect for this day, if you haven't read it then please do. God still has a plan!!!

Why...

2009-06-04T18:35:00.001-05:00

They want to amputate. I have no words right this moment so here is one of my devotions from today.

Jun 4 - Strength Made Perfect
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."(2 Corinthians 12:9)
Dear Cindy,When you run into an impossible situation, a situation you simply don't have the strength or the ability to handle, are you often tempted to simply give up and accept defeat? Don't! Instead shout, "Glory!" because the Word says God's strength is about to be made perfect in you. The word translated "strength" in this scripture is dunamis. It means "God's miracle-working power." Just think about that. When your human strength ends, God has promised that His miraculous power will bring you through! If you'll look in Acts 14, you can see that promise in action. The apostle Paul was stoned by a group of Jews, taken out of the city and left for dead. Paul's human strength had ended. He was absolutely powerless. But the disciples gathered around him and prayed, and the Lord raised him up and he went on his way. In other words, when Paul didn't have enough human strength to overcome, God's miracle-working power was sufficient for him. It enabled him to be an overcomer in spite of his weakness! So, if you are facing a crisis today. If you're sick and medicine has failed you. If your finances are out of control. If your family is falling apart. If bad habits have you hopelessly bound. If you've done absolutely all you know to do and you still haven't gotten results. Then rejoice! For when human strength ends, the power of God excels! Only believe! God's grace is sufficient for you!

songs...

2009-06-04T06:50:00.003-05:00

I am setting here waiting for my sister to get here so we can leave and the song "Its a new season" just came to mind. It is a new season for us. This is something we've never been through in any fashion, we need a fresh annointing. Here are the lyrics.

It's a new season, it's a new day.A fresh anointing is flowing my way.It's a season of power and prosperity.It's a new season coming to me.Verse 1The devil's time is up no longer can he bother me,'cause the Creator of the universe He fathers me,and it's transferable my children's children shall be free;it's a new season (it's a new season).If you don't know by now, you need to know it's jubilee,where debts are cancel and your children walk in victory.It's so available to you right now just taste and see,it's a new season (it's a new season).ChorusVerse 2The new millennium presents a new horizon,and no greater time for us to make a choice and take a stand. All that we need, is resting in His hands;it's a new season (it's a new season). All that was stolen is returned to you a hundred fold,Tried in the fire but you're coming out gold.Cling to His hand,yes, to every promise take a hold;it's a new season (it's a new season)ChorusEndingIt's a new season coming to me.

Will write more later this evening.

Melancholy...

2009-06-03T12:08:00.003-05:00

Caleb's blood counts are down so tomorrow morning we will go to the hospital for a blood transfusion, then we will go over to the surgeons office to go over the details of the surgery that she will perform on Monday. I can't seem to put my finger on the mood I'm in. I am tired, I don't want to do anything unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't think that I am depressed, I am not angry, I'm just tired. I have a list of things that need to be taken care of , should have already been taken care of... I have many lists but I whittle them down to immediate things to be taken care of, things that need to be taken care of sometime soon and long range. I can't even seem to be able to do the today list, not even the things at home.

That was this morning. I got a call and had to run an errand for Daniel so it interrupted my writing. I got in the car to do this errand and the stereo was playing a WOW praise cd and it completely turned me around...WOW!!! I got so much done today, I still find it hard to imagine my day started like that. Well now it is bed time so I will close for now. I will update tomorrow evening to let everyone know the details. I don't have a scripture to close with tonight, so just know that Jesus loves you so very, very much!!!

Awed again by His faithfulness...

2009-05-28T13:24:00.004-05:00

Today's lesson... faithfulness. Let me start by saying this is not a plug for donations! This is a testimony of God's love for us, his provision for his children, his goodness and mercy. As most of you know, I quit my job when all of this started with Caleb, I knew he would need me home with him while he is going through this and trying to keep up with all the appointments, treatments, the house, the rest of the family, and a job, was not going to be possible. So needless to say things are very tight. Until this month we have gotten by, but this month we were there, on the brink of not making payments, but which ones do you let go? How do we buy groceries? I'm going to be brutally honest here and only God knows how hard this is for me. I hate asking for help, it is so demeaning to me... I thought we had finally gotten free of scraping and scratching to make it until the next check, no food stamps anymore, no HUD housing, no church clothes closet clothing for my kids. Let me just say here that I am VERY grateful that we had all of those things, but unless you have lived that life, you can't grasp how hard it is to be in this spot, so afraid of being there again. Well, the Bible says in Psalm 37:25 "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread". We couldn't make the car payment or buy groceries and a couple of other things. Lo and behold someone gave us enough money to pay the car payment and take care of some other smaller bills and then someone went and bought us groceries, so that got us through to the next check. So...needless to say, there again, was not enough money to pay all the bills. This time all of the utilities were due on top of the house payment and insurance payments. I sat and had a talk with God about this early in the day a few days ago. I was at a complete loss as to how we were going to pay these bills, waiting for the next paycheck wouldn't help because there were (are) other bills that check has to pay. Anyway...as the day wore on the phone rang...it was the pastor from the Presbyterian church here in town. He proceeded to tell me that one of Caleb's friends from school had requested prayer for him sometime back and more recently had come to them and said she wanted do something more. He said that this young lady organized her youth group and had a car wash in Caleb's honor and they had raised $648.00, he would bring it by the next day. Now, I told my mom that I hadn't sat down and figured up exactly what we needed to catch us up but I bet that when I did it would probably be the right amount right on the nose. Well, the next day when he brought the check it was actually for $668.00, and guess what!!! Now, I know better than to doubt God, but even when I do, He is faithful. Yes, I have had struggles in life, but seriously, I usually have brought those on myself and God may not just miraculously deliver me from those struggles but at the very least if I will pay attention and listen to that soft voice inside, He will lead me out of whatever dilemma I happen to be in. God knows exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. Things like this have been going on from the beginning of this trial. People have been so good to us. As Christians, we are the body of Christ, so thank you, to all of you that have reached out to us in one way or another, thank you for being the hands and arms, the very heart of Christ himself. You will have jewels in your crowns someday. You will never know this side of heaven how much you have touched our lives. You are showing Caleb the love of Christ in so many different ways, you are teaching him whether you know it or not. And for those of you that wonder what in the world I am talking about... thank you too. You may not realize it, but God is using your gifts and generosity too. There are so many lives being affected through all of this. As I have said from the beginning...God has a plan!
A long time ago Pastor Micah preached a sermon on the word "nevertheless", and during Caleb's first chemo treatment I thought of that sermon, and it has stuck with me. Through all of this, come what may... NEVERTHELESS, I WILL SERVE THE LORD!!! God is still God, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.... I will be still and KNOW that HE IS GOD!!!
Isaiah 41:13...For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand,Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’

Hitchhikers...

2009-05-27T11:40:00.002-05:00

I'm putting one of my devotions on here today because it really spoke to me. I hope it speaks to you also...

Last night, I picked up a hitchhiker along the highway. I'm ashamed to admit it's the first time I've ever done that. Sure, I've handed out a bottle of water or treated a homeless person to lunch. But I've never picked up a hitchhiker.As I pulled over, a lot of thoughts went through my mind. First, my wife is going to kill me for doing this! I'll be late, and she will be worried about me picking up some stranger on the side of the highway. Second, what if my wife's fears are founded and this guy tries to mug me or worse? Third, how does this even work? What do I say? "Hi, I'm Alan, I'll be your driver for the next 30 miles."But I knew when I saw him, that I had to pick him up. It didn't hit me at first. I actually drove past him. Then I got off the interstate, went two miles back around, and then picked him up. But God was telling me the whole time that I had to pick this man up and give him a ride. So I did.As he got in the church van I was driving, he put his bag in the back and climbed in the cab. I introduced myself, "Hi! I'm Alan. You hungry?""Yeah. I'm Tim. Thanks for stopping. I'm starved. I had a granola bar this morning at about 6:30, but nothing since."I took him to Arby's and we both got a combo meal and sat down. People took notice of Tim's long, scraggly, oily hair and his dirty clothes, but no one was really rude or said anything. Tim told me about his life, about how he was born in Ohio, his dad died when he was 12, of how he moved to Tennessee, was discharged from the military for a seizure he had in basic, and that he had been hitchhiking since then. That was in 1972. He has been homeless, hitchhiking and living from Tennessee to California for 37 years. I realized that much of Tim's situation was self-induced. He had attempted to go to a career tech school in California, and that it was even going to be all paid for, but there was too much paperwork and he didn't want to take the time to fill it out. When he was discharged from the military, he could have gone to college in Tennessee for free with his GI benefits, but didn't enroll in time to take advantage of it. He had three years to do so.After we ate, I took him to the motel next door and put him up for the night. And I drove home.
As I was driving the last hour to my house, I could not get Tim out of my mind. All the details about him were vividly impressed upon me. His silver hair that was longer than my wife's, his hands that were cleaner than I expected but still quite dirty, the fact that he didn't smell as bad as I thought a person hitchhiking from California would, his shoes that he had gotten recently that already had holes in them. But the one thing that stood out more than anything else was his eyes. He had the clearest blue eyes I have ever seen. They were the color of light blue ice, like glaciers. Hear my heart when I say this: He was beautiful. It broke my heart that he was in such a situation and I kept telling myself, "Alan, he made these choices, these decisions that have brought him here. Yeah, life threw him some hard knocks, but he didn't do himself any favors."And that's when I had the following thought. I wrote all the above, not for you to say, "What a great guy Alan is!" but to hear what God led me through last night in my hour towards home:God looked at humanity, after the fall. He saw our dirty clothes, our unkempt hair, our dirty hands, our shoes with holes in them. All of that. And He said, "They are beautiful."And even while Satan whispered, "God, they did this to themselves. They made these decisions. Remember? You told them not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge. Don't feel too bad for them," God sent His Son in the form of a man to pay the penalty for our sins.And even while some well-intentioned angel said, "God, don't give them grace; they will just spend it on cheap liberty," God released grace through the cross.Both statements are true:
We did do this to ourselves.
We do spend grace on cheap liberty.
But God loved us through those facts and gave us the greatest gift of all in Jesus Christ.So the next time you see a homeless person and think, "I shouldn't give them cash, they will just spend it on alcohol," or, "They probably just did this to themselves," remember: the same is true about us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And whatsoever we do unto the least of these, we do to Him.

home sweet home...

2009-05-25T09:07:00.002-05:00

We got home yesterday afternoon sometime, we stopped at Braums on the way home so Caleb could have icecream. While we were sitting in the parking lot along came Miss Jill. She was meeting Rae and Kari Anne so we said hello and caught them up. We are going to Colt's first birthday party today so I have alot to get done. I will try to update more later today.

Saturday...

2009-05-23T12:06:00.004-05:00

It is a little after noon on Saturday, Caleb is sleeping the day away, of course what else has he got to do? I took pictures to put on here but I forgot my cord, so I can't download them! Duh!!! Oh well, I guess I'll do it when we get home. Jessie may come to the city today and if they do they are going to bring Taco Bell for Caleb. He wanted it last night but I couldn't get ahold of anyone to bring it. Needless to say I am still bored silly, guess I will try to find something to do...

One of my devotions for the day is titled "The God of all comfort"...
the author says " ...so get to know God-you'll need Him. And He'll be there for you. He'll be there when everybody and everything else has failed you. He'll be there for you in the dark places." "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5
However long the night, morning always comes, and with it His joy. As you look back you'll realize that His grace protected you, provided for you, secured you, calmed you, comforted you and brought you through. Times and seasons change, but not God. He's always "the God of all comfort."

Pretty good, huh?
P.S. I added a couple of pictures, be sure and look for them! (thank you Kara)

Noon on day 3...

2009-05-22T11:52:00.002-05:00

Well when Caleb decided he was hungry last night he meant it. He had 2 burrito's, 2 corn dogs, 3 little cans of Sprite and a can of Hawiian punch. This morning? Nothing... Go figure. He didn't even wake up when Bob Stoops was in the room! But he sure smiled when he woke up and saw the ball. We played farm town for awhile on facebook this morning and now he is watching the animal planet. I'm bored. He is waiting to be able to take a shower, they have to cover up the dressing that covers his port. Guess that's it for now...

Friends

2009-05-21T18:53:00.003-05:00

I just read Kara's blog (browneyesandfreckles) and am at a loss for words... She wrote about Caleb, there are even pictures and her grasp of something I was trying to say awhile back is touching to say the least. Thank you Kara for opening your heart to see Caleb.

Caleb has always been...my first thought is "my wild child", but he wasn't so much wild, just completely independent, probably because I wasn't available for most of his first three years. Caleb has always been a very strong willed child. Most people would say rebellious but I don't think that's it. He knows what he wants and the consequences just don't matter, he is willing to pay the cost. The only thing I can ever remember him being afraid of was a stuffed gorilla that was bigger than him, he still talks about that thing. He's never been clingy or needy, he could play by himself for hours. Keeping tabs on him was nearly impossible! I would tell him not to leave the house and he would sneak out the door that I was furthest from, every time. He could be as quiet as a church mouse and I wouldn't know he was gone until I looked for him. This is all changing. The other day he wanted to go play across the street, mom and I needed to go somewhere and she was positive he would leave as soon as we did (he always had pre-c), he called me 3 times to see if he could please go across the street but he never went. For some strange reason this thing has calmed him down so much. He is still Caleb, he still wants to run and play, but he is more obedient than he ever has been. He is more touchy feely than he ever was before, he sits still for long periods of time with me now. His eyes still sparkle most of the time, he still smiles quite a bit, but he is quieter, calmer. In the Bible Caleb was one of the twelve spies sent to check out the promised land and only 2 of those spies were not afraid, Caleb was one of them. He saw the big picture, the possibilities, not the fact that those giants could crush them. He saw what God had for them, and he wanted it, period. He trusted God to give it to them, and he did. God said "Caleb is of a different spirit, and follows me whole heartedly" , I expect my Caleb will do the same. I expect him to come through this strong, with a testimony that will bring people to the knowledge and saving grace of Jesus Christ. Look at his pictures, isn't he beautiful? God has a plan and a purpose for this young mans life! For some unfathomable reason, God allowed me to play the part of mother, what ever was he thinking? :)
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Twiddle, twiddle...

2009-05-21T15:51:00.003-05:00

Ho Hum... I have seen so many episodes of Zac and Cody that I could pull my hair out!!! I now have a farm on facebook. Now it's Miley...HELP!!! Is anybody out there? :l
We moved sides this morning, back in a small room but it's ok. Our nurse today is the one that reminds us of April. Caleb has slept most of the day but he is awake and watching, can ya guess? yep, Zac and Cody. He hasn't eaten today, well, does ice cream count? More later...

Well...he is sleeping again. They just brought dinner, gotta go for now...

In OKC

2009-05-20T19:18:00.002-05:00

We got here around 9:30 this AM and got a room pretty quickly, but they were still mopping when we got up here so we waited in the tv room for a few minutes. Oh, we got put on stem cell side again but it's ok this time. There is an x-box 360 in the tv room so Caleb stayed there playing most of the day (a first, he NEVER leaves the room). He made a friend, one of the patients had a brother visiting and they played together. Our room is bigger and the shower isn't over the toilet in this bathroom, there is a separate shower. so YA!!! Caleb is in pretty good spirits today, he ate 2 doughnuts this morning, ate 12 mini corn dogs a while ago and is now lying there watching tv. I napped this afternoon, didn't get much sleep last night. We will be here until Sunday, not sure how late yet. Well I guess thats about all for now.
I am adding on one of my devotions from today, it seemed appropriate, and you wouldn't believe how many times the scriptures in my devotions or the devotion itself has fit so well through all of this.
"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

Devotion:
Have you ever opened a book and read a passage and been amazed because it was exactly what you needed to hear? And you felt like it was written and sent just to you on that day at that moment? Some may call it a coincidence, but I call it a gift from God!

Last night I did not sleep. I recently had surgery on my left foot. Yesterday the doctor gave me the green light to put full weight on that foot again. For the first time in three weeks, I walked using that foot. I was so happy not to use crutches or limp around that I got a little carried away. Last night I awoke in such great pain, I cried. Finally I took some pain medication, but I never could go back to sleep.

This morning I am absolutely exhausted! I'm tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired from no sleep. I'm tired of trying so hard to function. I'm ready to run and I can't. I'm frustrated. I'm weak. I'm what Isaiah calls "weary."

This morning I opened my devotion book for a healthy dose of God's Word. I was overjoyed when I read the words from Isaiah. It was exactly what I needed to hear: "My strength will be renewed because I have hope in the Lord."

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Father. I can trust Him and count on Him to keep His Word. My heavenly Father is always with me, something my earthly parents can't be.

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Comforter. My foot may hurt and my emotions are unbalanced. I don't feel very comfortable at the moment, but I am comforted. My Comforter supplies me with the love, peace, and hope I need to know I'm going to be okay.

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Disciplinarian. I have to admit, this isn't my favorite characteristic of Him. But I know without it, I'd be out of control! I need a strong hand to guide me and keep me in line. I actually feel safe and secure because my Father disciplines me. I know it is through that discipline that I am strengthened. I also know He disciplines me because He loves me.

I may be weak today, but what a great place to be. It draws me closer to the One I need most. My Father, my Comforter, my Disciplinarian.

Dear Lord, I have found my hope in You! Thank You for being there to provide for me as my Father, Comforter, and Disciplinarian. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

chemo tomorrow...

2009-05-19T21:17:00.002-05:00

Well... we went to the Dr. today, Caleb's counts are good so he goes in for his last chemo before surgery. This is a five day treatment. We have a tentative date of June 8th for Caleb's surgery. The Dr. said the surgeon will take out the bone from just below his knee (including that growth plate) to just below the middle of his shin. According to his Dr. they will replace it with a dead bone, with either a rod through the middle or screws and bolts to attach to bone. Sometime before the surgery we will meet with the orthopedic surgeon to discuss all of his options. He was VERY upset earlier this afternoon but now he is acting fine...this child is nearly impossible to read. He absolutely refuses to talk about any of it, on an up note, he is eating and drinking again. I refuse to be discouraged, it could be so much worse! I got an e-mail from my (ex)mother-in-law the other day and one of her brothers is dying of cancer, lung and brain. I will be completely honest, I do not know how I feel right now. I do NOT want him to lose that growth plate. I want his bones above and below the removal to continue to grow. His bone below the surgery and his foot will continue to grow, which is very good. I was concerned about his feet staying the same size. I want to scream and throw a fit and say this is not fair, but life is not fair, no one gets out unscathed. So...I will continue to keep my chin up so that Caleb can keep his up!!! Like I have said all along, God has a plan, we just don't know what it is yet. We will all come through this stronger than before. I remember a sermon Pastor Shorey gave several years ago, he used the scripture Ecclesiastes 7:8 The end of a matter is better than it's beginning, and patience is better than pride. He said that does not mean everything will be better, as in good, but that anything you do, if you do it long enough,or you work at it hard enough, you will get better at it. So we could get angry and bitter and we would get really good at it or we can look at this with a positive attitude, Caleb is alive and only losing a small portion of his bone. Instead of Caleb dying, this cancer is dying!!! I think I will close for tonight, I need to gather my thoughts and get alone with God for a bit.
Psalm 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
Psalm 41:13 For I am the Lord your God. who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.

Dr. appt today...

2009-05-19T09:22:00.002-05:00

I will let you know later this evening what we find out at the Dr.s office today. I am going to put in one of my devotions for the day but first... the only difference between the believer and the unbeliever is the complete acceptance of the word of God. Christians have confessed their sin and completely, and totally believe that Jesus Christ is the son of the only true and living God, he was born of the virgin Mary, died on the cross, and rose again on the third day. God loves the unbeliever just as much as the believer, but until they believe and recieve Christ they can't have that peace that only comes from knowing Christ.
I have an aunt that has lost both of her sons, Monte, in a car wreck when he was 16 (he was more like my brother than a cousin) and Tony was 34 when he was murdered in thier home, he died in his mother's arms. Like the lady in this devotion, there are no grandchildren, no hope of more children, but, she has peace because she knows where to turn for comfort and strength...

Horrified, I placed the phone back in its charger. My mind reeled. What could I say to one of my dearest friends after this new tragedy had struck? First, she experienced the loss of a fourteen-year-old son to brain cancer. Now her eldest son, only eighteen, had been discovered mugged and murdered. Incomprehensible.

She asked, "Why?" I had no answer other than, "I don't know, but I cling to the factual knowledge that God is good, regardless. Tragedies in this life are beyond our understanding this side of heaven."

I believe Jesus is good, and that knowledge sings from the depths of my soul. This nugget of truth is more precious than life itself to me. We have been taught and recognize that faith is not something we can necessarily see, hear, feel, taste, or touch. It is stepping out of our comfort zones and trusting God--regardless of how we feel emotionally. The Bible explains, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1, NIV).

The true story of Horatio G. Spafford demonstrates this type of faith in God's goodness. Spafford wrote the familiar hymn, "It is Well with My Soul" in 1872 after his four daughters drowned, soon after his own financial bankruptcy. He, somehow, held onto the fact that despite the outward circumstances, God was good. He wrote, "And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight." He knew that his faith was not in vain, and that someday he would see the meaning and purpose of all the tragedy surrounding his life at that moment.
For myself I think my greatest lesson of faith has been in the acknowledgement that God is good--all the time. Oswald Chambers wrote, "Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character must be proven trustworthy in our own minds."

There will always be moments of uncertainty. I find comfort in the words written by David Jeremiah in My Heart's Desire:

You may sometimes feel awkward and uncomfortable, and find yourself saying, "Is this really true? I don't see anything in it. I don't hear God's voice. I don't feel His presence." There are days like that for all of us. The pursuit of God has no shortcuts. You simply must keep walking, keep seeking, and keep yearning. Keep at it, and you won't be disappointed.

God is good, even as I mourn with my friend. I have witnessed her grief, anger, and doubt. But throughout the passing months, I have watched her cling to Jesus with hands wet with tears. My friend believes God is good all the time even when she can't feel it with her emotions. Her faith rests in the fact, "The Lord is good and his love endures forever."

Dear Lord, grant me the faith to know that You are good all the time, even during the most difficult circumstances of this life. When I am weak, lift me up. Enable me to accept the love and comfort from others who love me, but let me rely on Your everlasting love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Peace...

2009-05-17T18:20:00.003-05:00

It has been about 3 months now since Aimee set this blog up for us. I don't know exactly how she saw all of this playing out, or how I did for that matter. I think it is very interesting that I did not want to do this AT ALL, and now here I set trying to put thoughts and feelings on paper. Aimee is very smart.
At the top of this page there is a scripture that Aimee found and it is just so perfect. Today I am going to pour my heart out. They say confession is good for the soul...

In Feb., thirteen years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. The boys father and I had split up in Jan. so this was unexpected to say the least. I became very depressed and even angry that God would allow this to happen. Here I was, a single mom with 3 boys, living in government housing, using food stamps to feed us, working a part-time job. How did God in his "infinite wisdom" expect ME to take care of another child( there was the problem, He didn't expect me to do it)? I could not cope. I decided I wanted to name the baby Joshua Aaron, at some point his father decided we could do that. As time went on I didn't really want that name for this baby, I decided on Caleb (look over on the side for meanings for the boys names), however his father and I were not in agreement. As this baby was being delivered, I began to hyperventilate and the anesthesiologist noticed this. He began to engage me in conversation to distract me and finally he asked if we had a named picked out, Dennis said yes at the same time I said no, so I asked what we were naming him? He said Caleb Aaron. So begins this story. I had hung on through the pregnancy, but my relationship with the Lord had deteriorated and was continuing to do so. I did manage to get Caleb dedicated before I went off the deep end. Eventually I completely quit going to church but did continue to send the boys. I knew where the answers were I just couldn't seem to find them myself, I was still very angry with God, and was refusing to speak to him. The boys father got a girlfriend and this sent me further into depression, because, who, in their right mind, :) would want a woman with 4 children? I do not believe there was a singles group at the church at that time and I had no idea that I was in the downward spiral that I was in. Finally, one Friday night I went to a little bar (that my ex-husband loved) to listen to karoake, I was hooked. Eventually this became my coping mechanism. I had a schedule, Monday night was Godfrey's, Tuesday night was the Eagles Nest, Wednesday night was AJ's Lounge, Thursday through Saturday back to the Nest. They loved me there, I would walk in and people made me feel welcome and part of something. I think this need for acceptance had something to do with never being popular growing up, in any case, I felt wanted for just who I was. Eventually I got up the nerve to try singing and "wow" , what a feeling! Once I go over being scared, I loved it. People clapped for me, I entered contests and won. Seriously, have you ever heard a drunk man sing? Of course I won! I could sing and people had no idea that those songs were about me. Ever heard Broken Wing by Martina McBride? I sang that song every night, with passion. I never saw the damage that I was doing to my children. The healing from this life style is still a work in progress. In March of 1999, I left my children and went to Rhode Island. This was probably rock bottom for me. On Mother's day I waited for the phone to ring all day and finally called my mother's house myself. Ben was not at my moms, but I talked to Daniel and Caleb. Jacob did not want to speak to me. After some coaxing, He got on the phone and asked "when are you coming to get us", I told him I couldn't right now and he never said another word, handed the phone to my mom and that was that. I came and got them a few weeks later and we went back to Rhode Island. At the end of September I came across my Bible... I sat down and cried and asked God, how I had gone from this woman, completely in love with Jesus to this god forsaken place I was in, and I had dragged my babies along for the ride! It got worse before it got better, but by the first week of November, we were headed home. I went straight back to church!!! I can't describe the peace... after everything I had done, God was waiting with open arms. There were a couple of times where I almost let myself get derailed but somewhere along the line I had come to realize that I needed God more than anything else. Over the last 9 years God has healed so much of the devastation that I caused and so, we have come full circle. Almost thirteen years to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, he was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. This is what I told God... "You allowed me to get pregnant with this child and now you're going to let me lose him? Why would You do this?" I could feel the anger coming back! With a vengance!!! Who do You think You are, giving me this child for this to happen to him? I knew I had to get this anger under control fast, I knew where it could take us and life without Christ is not life! I do not know how this story will end, except that whatever life throws at us, with Christ we will overcome! Caleb and I are finally bonding the way we should have when he was a baby, I see him changing more and more all the time. The fold out chair I sleep in at the hospital is usually nearly touching his bed and he will play with my hair the way the other boys did when they were little bitty, he holds my hand and I know that God is bringing good from what satan meant for evil! I had a couple of revalations in church this morning, the first one (during praise and worship)was the only thing in life that I can not survive without is Christ, the second, (during the alter service) this is not punishment (thank you Vicky for confirmation). Not for my sins and not for Caleb's. God didn't do this. God WILL get us through this!!! This morning when I went to the alter, God wrapped us in His arms and reminded me (again) that He is here, He is not leaving, we are not on our own, that I can trust Him with everything in my life if I will just let go... so I stood there this morning and said out loud " I trust You", over and over until I felt peace. God knows the future, I don't...He loves Caleb more than I do. I am a control freak, so this is sometimes very hard for me, to let go and just trust is tough. It shouldn't be, He has never let me down and I know, He never will! This morning during that alter time when God wrapped us in His arms, again, in His "infinite widsom" He used the people of our church to show His love. I am home. If you have been keeping up with this blog then you know what all has taken place from the time this started until now, if you're new here then go back and start at the beginning and stay tuned to see the awesome way God uses all of this to bring glory to the kingdom of God! Pastor Micah used one of my favorite scriptures this morning so I will close with it...

Isaiah 43:18,19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

We are not alone...

2009-05-14T19:12:00.004-05:00

Most of the time I don't think about the fact that my son isn't the only one this is happening to. Just a little while ago I got online and on my yahoo homepage there was a headline about a football player with cancer, now I am not a football fan by any means but I decided to click on his story and low and behold he has been diagnosed with ewing sarcoma, he is 22. My heart broke, I still can't stop crying. My heart is breaking for his mama too, I know what she is going through and I hurt for her. My thoughts turn to my faith, and I wonder, do they know Jesus? Do they have that rock to lean on? Or are they alone in this? It is hard enough to get through this with Christ, I couldn't do it without him. We sang a song in church Sunday that touches me every time we sing it, here is the chorus; "You are my shield, My strength, My portion, Deliverer, My shelter, Strong tower, My very present help in time of need". I love this song because my God is all of these things and so much more. Most people have had some kind of revelation that God is real, they have had a moment of acceptance, not me, He was always there, one of my very first memories is of walking around outside talking to God, I was probably 4. Now, I have walked away from my relationship with the Lord on more than one occasion, but I always come back because He loves me just like I am, no matter how unfaithful I've been, He is always there with open arms waiting for me. He doesn't care if I'm fat or thin, pretty or ugly, smart or not, he doesn't care what I have or haven't done, He just loves me, period. We will get through this because He will carry us, I feel His presence all of the time, we are wrapped in the shelter of the almighty. I hope that Mark Herzlich and his family know Jesus, I hope that we have more than ewing sarcoma in common, and if not, then I pray "Dear Jesus, let them come to know you personally through this". Amen
Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength,an ever present help in trouble. 2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 57:10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.