Grateful

I haven't written in years but felt the need this morning, so here goes... This week was the 15 yr anniversary of Caleb's amputation so it has been an emotional week Yesterday I went to a shop here in town and had to wait for the owners husband to get there. We were the only 2 in the shop and I asked how she's doing, she has breast cancer. Needless to say, I got emotional and cried a few times. Next stop, walmart, I parked next to an old army jeep and when I came out it was still there. There was an older fella walking in front of me and he stopped to read the label on the dash. I didnt get in a rush, he didnt know I was there so I waited and when he realized I was behind him he had to tell me about it. My point is, stop and let people talk. Don't rush and brush them off, they might need that moment, to remember, to be encouraged, to feel seen. It will make you both feel better! Enjoy those moments of humanity. Embrace them, show grace and mercy, be grateful for every second that you have breath!!! Last night Dan and Nick were fishing and I sat outside, watching the bunnies (5 of them) play on the back of my property and talked to God. I have a good, good life. Yes, we as a family have been thru some horrific things, Caleb having cancer at 12 and losing his leg, Scott dying a slow death from ALS... but by the grace of God, we keep fighting the battles and savor the beauty of life and love. Stop surviving and start living! Soak up the beauty of life! Hold on to your family and loved ones for dear life, make sure they KNOW how precious they are to you. Life is good people, yes, there are trials but the beauty out weighs the bad!!! Let people talk to you, listen, share your stories, you might say something that is exactly what they needed to hear. Be Jesus in skin.

Today is the beginning of a brand new year!  I can't say that 2014 was a bad year, it was actually a pretty decent year compared to some we've had.  No one was diagnosed with any deadly diseases, mom and Lin are back home in their own home, the boys all seem to be doing good, we have a new family member due in February, Caleb is now 5 years out & considered a survivor.  We have much to be thankful for!
All day today this scripture kept popping up and it is one of favorites, one I hold onto, one that continues to give me hope and peace...

Isaiah 43:18-19

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

19 See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.

Today...

  Yesterday was a busy day for me, Caleb had a Dr.s appointment at 1:20 and I had to have my dad at his  Dr appointment at 3!  While getting ready it dawned on me that the date was the 21st which marked the 8 month anniversary of Scott's home going.  It's hard to believe it's been 8 months.  Last week mom and I went out and put new flowers on Scott's, Betty's and my grandparents graves and this week I will go to my great grandparents and put theirs on.  I never used to visit the graves, not until Scott's mama passed and it became important for me to make sure someone was looking after them and I go visit Scott a lot more than I thought I would.  I just figured since I know where he is that I wouldn't feel the need to go but I do.  I go talk to him, he was always pretty quiet, that hasn't changed! =)   
  My dad had to be back at the Dr.s office this morning for blood work and when he finished he stopped  by for a bit and we wound up going to Lowes.  Now I'm pretty sure I've said before that that was one of me and Scott's favorite dates, well one of mine anyway.  We would go to Lowes and then to the convenience store, Scott would get a cherry coke from the fountain (because he could add as little or as much as he wanted) and a bag of peanuts and I would get a 20 oz bottle of Coke, and sometimes he would get me a candy bar.  So today I took my dad on that same date (I even got a bag of peanuts), but after we left the store we went out to see Scott, daddy hadn't seen his headstone yet so we went to visit.  Then this afternoon I started mowing (ran out of day light), that was something else Scott enjoyed.  He said it was how he relaxed, I understand, it's just me and my thoughts.  I miss him...  Each day gets a little easier but there are so many times that I want to ask him a question or tell him something and can't.  I miss the Scott before ALS, but I also miss the Scott with ALS.  Before he was so serious, with he couldn't hide his smile, he had an awesome smile!
  I guess there isn't much new, Caleb had his 3 month check up last month and every thing looked good.  He'll go back in July and if that one is all clear then he will start going every 6 months, which is awesome!!!  In November he will be off treatment for 4 years.  It seems like yesterday most of the time.  He has grown so much!  He is 6 ft tall now!  He'll be 17 before I know it and then grown and out the door!  Where does the time go?

Nehemiah 8:10
Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

  

Life must go on...

   It's been 6 months since I last posted, Scott left this world 5 days after that last post.  When I wrote that post I had no idea he would go so quickly.  Scott believed for a miracle right up until he drew his last breath and in the nano second after that last breath, he received his miracle.  I tell everyone that he is playing golf with Jesus now.  His going home service was beautiful, he would have been shocked to see the outpouring of love and respect, he thought to little of himself.
   I expected for things to get easier as time passed but they have not.  I have never been more depressed in my life, getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a struggle, simple tasks are a struggle.  I have, for the last 6 months told everyone that asks that I am good, I am fine, I'm doing alright.  I lied.  Over the last 2 weeks I have begun to realize how bad it is, I went through this 15 yrs ago but I didn't recognize it for what it was then so I checked out of my life and eventually walked away from everyone and everything in my life.  This time I am recognizing it, I have checked out but not like before, I just spend most of my time sleeping now and only get up when absolutely necessary.  
   Last Sunday a friend asked me how I'm doing and I said I'm ok, but when I looked at her I saw something real in her eyes, she really was asking.  I thought about it all day and knew that I had to be honest, so I sent her a message and told her the truth and I've been doing that all week, so if you don't want the truth from me, don't ask!  
   Yesterday I had lunch with a friend then I went to church last night and today I actually got up and around and picked up a couple of applications ( I need a job) and had a nice visit with an old friend.  So I think just being honest about how bad it is may be helping?  
   I'm hoping that spring will help also, maybe playing in the dirt, planting seeds and watching them come to life?  I don't know, we'll see I guess.  I'm trying to be involved in the singles group at church again, we've just started really and it's so different than it was when I ran it 10 years ago.  I've really enjoyed the Wednesday night classes, we've been reading the book,  " Traveling Light" by Max Lucado.  It's a really good book, I recommend it for everyone.  
   Caleb is still getting checkups every 3 months and so far everything is all clear.  He is 3 yrs out of treatment.  I keep trying to get him to study for his permit but to no avail!  
   So now that I have confessed how deep I have sunk I also have to say that no matter what, no matter how sad, or depressed, or what ever, I still know where my strength comes from and that the only way to have joy, or any kind of happiness is through my relationship with Christ.  Deep inside I know that if I would just get up and put on some praise music I would feel better within minutes, I know this because I have done it so many times in the past, Jesus loves me, this I know!!!  
   I'll use one of my favorite verses here , one I've drawn on so, so, many times over the last few years, but it never gets old, but this time I am adding the few verses before it...

Lamentations 3:17-23 (NIV)

17 I have been deprived of peace;

    I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, “My splendor is gone

    and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

Thoughts...

I have some things on my heart that I feel I need to share...

With Scott going through this I often think of death and life, happiness and what happiness is.  
First let me say that through all of the things we have been through over the last 4 years and watching from a distance what the Everaards went through, the question in my mind has been "were some of us born just to die?".  Today while brushing my teeth I was thinking on all of these things and it dawned on me that Jesus Christ was born to die...
So my next thought is this, without pain & trials we don't need God, and let me tell you, we NEED God!!!  If you don't have a real, honest, deep, personal relationship with Christ then you aren't truly happy.  Don't bother to argue with me, stop and think about it how happy are you, really?  True happiness isn't that giddy feeling you get when you think you're falling in love or that high you feel from drugs or alcohol a win at the casino or even just having having every thing you thought you ever wanted.  True happiness is a contentment so deep that when your entire world is shaken to the very core you can still say "yes, circumstances suck, but life is good" it's a peace that you have that even when your loved ones are attacked with sickness you can say " nevertheless, God is still God".  These horrible, god awful events that happen in our lives draw us closer to God, we must depend on Him to give us peace and strength to get through not each day but sometimes just the next 30 seconds!  I feel I need to say something here, I am happy, not the bouncy, giddy, isn't life grand kind of  feeling, I have a deep abiding contentment in the knowledge that life is a gift, each nano second that you draw breath is a gift, to you and the people around you!  God gave you that gift, don't waste it wondering why these things happen to good people, they just do, period.  Don't blame God because He is not the author of  pain and sickness, we live in a fallen world and until such time as God chooses to end this fallen world there will be pain and the only true relief from such deep seeded pain is that peace from a relationship with Christ...

He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Isaiah 40:29

God is the source of all energy, in the sun, in plants and in people. When you maintain fellowship with Him, He will pour new energy and strength into you. You will feel it physically, emotionally and mentally.

I'm sharing one of my devotions from today, it brought tears so I feel the need to share, but first I'm going to give some back ground...
My mom was a single mother from the time I was 6 to 15, she worked a full time job but still got up and cooked us breakfast ( no cold cereal for us) went to work came home after work and cooked supper, no take out, no fast food, no junk food!  We had home cooked meals daily, no hamburger helper or frozen pizza either!  She baked too, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cakes (all from scratch not boxes).  She also sewed, she made most of our clothes and to this day I have a huge red plush pillow that had my name in big white embroidered letters on it, it has survived me and all 4 of my boys.
Our house was so clean that you could eat off the floors!  On top of all these things, we went to church 3 times a week and more if there was something special going on. 
If there is such a thing as wonder woman she was it!!!  I say was because she is retired and we are grown and she should be relaxing! lol

Now there's me...  My boys ate a lot of cold cereal & pop tarts, hamburger helper & frozen pizza and God help you if you ate off my floors!  Now our house wasn't filthy but it was never spotless ( unless we had company coming from out of town & I would go crazy cleaning).  I do love to sew but my sewing has been more sporadic over the years and it's much easier to sew for girls than boys.  My point here is that I am definitely not as structured as my mom... So I'll share the devotion now and maybe you'll understand my rambling...  I'm not perfect ( far from it) but Jesus loves me just like I am...

July 25, 2012 Feeling Guilty? Lysa TerKeurst

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 (NIV 1984)

I gathered the restaurant bags, sighed, and crammed them into the overstuffed trash can. A friend had sent me a recipe that day which involved peeling and chopping and simmering. I imagined her trash can full of fresh veggie peelings and other things that proved her kitchen produced way more homemade goodness than mine.

And a little thread of guilt wrapped around my heart.

Sometimes I feel more guilty for what I'm not than thankful for what I am.

But there was sweet grace waiting for me in a yogurt shop that night. My daughter had asked if I would come and speak to a little Bible Study she was helping organize. "Mom, I think there are going to be a lot of people that show up."

So, instead of cooking that night I ordered out. Again. And then I drove to the yogurt shop with the girl whose heart was full of excitement and expectation.

People were everywhere. Young people. Invited people. And parents. Nearly 200 people packed inside the yogurt shop and overflowed outside. My daughter smiled.

I took the microphone and spoke from my heart. I told my story. I taught truth. I invited the people to let Jesus be the Lord of their hearts.

And many who had never done so said yes to God that night. A teen girl who'd tried to commit suicide last year. She stood to accept Jesus. A young man with tears in his eyes. He stood to accept Jesus. A mom and a dad. They stood to accept Jesus. Along with many others.

In the yogurt shop.

With a woman whose trash can was filled with take-out bags.

A woman who isn't the greatest cook. But a woman who wants to learn to be more thankful for what I am than guilty for what I'm not.

Maybe you are the friend with the veggie peelings in the trash can and steaming homemade goodness on the table.

Celebrate that.

Or maybe you are like me. And your gifts are less tasty.

Celebrate that.

And cut the threads of guilt with the edge of grace.

Dear Lord, You made me in Your image and that is something I seem to forget daily. Please help me remember to celebrate and live in who You made me to be and not in what I wish I was. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
As a mom, wife, or woman what have you felt guilty about in your daily life?

"Sometimes I feel more guilty for what I'm not than thankful for what I am." This is such a powerfully honest statement. Think about three things you previously saw as negative, but can now celebrate about yourself.

Power Verses:
Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (NIV)

Psalm 139:13-14, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (NIV)

“ I sought the Lord; and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears ”

There are days that my devotions for the day just really hit home, today is one of those days.  The title was the scripture for one of todays devotions and then the prayer that ended it, "Dear Lord, thank You for always listening to my conflicts and confusions. And thank You for Your constant presence."  speak volumes to my heart.  There are many nights that I lay down and I'm so tired mentally that prayer is impossible for me.  Now that being said, although I may not do a lot of formal "praying" I have a constant dialogue going with my Jesus.  There is no beginning or ending to this conversation and I must say it's mostly me just (looking for the right word) rambling...  I have learned that Jesus is the only constant in life, no matter what is or isn't going on in my life He is always there, whether I am talking to Him or not (and yes, there are times when I get angry and go silent) He never leaves my side.  If anyone moves, it is I so I have learned (or maybe that should be learning) to rest in His presence...

Devotion #2 starts with this scripture;  Micah 4:12 ( I love Micah) But they do not know
the thoughts of the Lord;
they do not understand his plan,
that he has gathered them like sheaves to the threshing floor.

This says it all, I can plan and fret and fuss all day long but it doesn't change the fact that God sees the big picture, I only get certain frames and never all at once or necessarily in what I would consider the right order.  So then this particular devotion (really it's more of a lesson for me) ends with these three questions:

1.How has God used a difficult situation in your past for your good?

            2.Is there a situation in your life right now that you can look at from a fresh perspective?   

             3.How can you share your experiences with someone else who needs encouragement today?

         Good questions, right? 

Question one is easy, every difficult situation strengthens my relationship with Christ.  I've said many times that I don't know how people get through things like their child having cancer, or their husband developing ALS, without a relationship with Christ.  How do they survive?  Without His strength, I couldn't do this even one day, let alone every day...

Question two, a fresh perspective, this is a little harder for me, I tend to get bogged down in self pity so I try to look at it from where Scott is sitting.  If I were in shoes, how would I cope?

Question three, that's too easy, I do this.  I didn't set this blog up, my ex daughter-in-law did.  She did it as a way for us to keep people up to date on Caleb's progress during his treatments but she also had been reading a lot of blogs and she had the insight to know it would help me.  There have been times that it has been my saving grace.  When I sit down to update it usually turns into something that I had no idea was inside me.  The words just pour out, so many times I have written things and when I read over them I don't know where it all came from and even as I say that I do know, God knows my heart and only He could write some (most) of the things that have been poured out on these pages and my prayer is that help someone, somewhere get through their own trials, that these words lead someone to Jesus, that they confirm something in someones heart, that someone can grasp something and know that they are not alone.

This is the scripture from another of todays devotions:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18(NIV)

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.