Thoughts...

I have some things on my heart that I feel I need to share...

With Scott going through this I often think of death and life, happiness and what happiness is.  
First let me say that through all of the things we have been through over the last 4 years and watching from a distance what the Everaards went through, the question in my mind has been "were some of us born just to die?".  Today while brushing my teeth I was thinking on all of these things and it dawned on me that Jesus Christ was born to die...
So my next thought is this, without pain & trials we don't need God, and let me tell you, we NEED God!!!  If you don't have a real, honest, deep, personal relationship with Christ then you aren't truly happy.  Don't bother to argue with me, stop and think about it how happy are you, really?  True happiness isn't that giddy feeling you get when you think you're falling in love or that high you feel from drugs or alcohol a win at the casino or even just having having every thing you thought you ever wanted.  True happiness is a contentment so deep that when your entire world is shaken to the very core you can still say "yes, circumstances suck, but life is good" it's a peace that you have that even when your loved ones are attacked with sickness you can say " nevertheless, God is still God".  These horrible, god awful events that happen in our lives draw us closer to God, we must depend on Him to give us peace and strength to get through not each day but sometimes just the next 30 seconds!  I feel I need to say something here, I am happy, not the bouncy, giddy, isn't life grand kind of  feeling, I have a deep abiding contentment in the knowledge that life is a gift, each nano second that you draw breath is a gift, to you and the people around you!  God gave you that gift, don't waste it wondering why these things happen to good people, they just do, period.  Don't blame God because He is not the author of  pain and sickness, we live in a fallen world and until such time as God chooses to end this fallen world there will be pain and the only true relief from such deep seeded pain is that peace from a relationship with Christ...

He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. Isaiah 40:29

God is the source of all energy, in the sun, in plants and in people. When you maintain fellowship with Him, He will pour new energy and strength into you. You will feel it physically, emotionally and mentally.

I'm sharing one of my devotions from today, it brought tears so I feel the need to share, but first I'm going to give some back ground...
My mom was a single mother from the time I was 6 to 15, she worked a full time job but still got up and cooked us breakfast ( no cold cereal for us) went to work came home after work and cooked supper, no take out, no fast food, no junk food!  We had home cooked meals daily, no hamburger helper or frozen pizza either!  She baked too, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, cakes (all from scratch not boxes).  She also sewed, she made most of our clothes and to this day I have a huge red plush pillow that had my name in big white embroidered letters on it, it has survived me and all 4 of my boys.
Our house was so clean that you could eat off the floors!  On top of all these things, we went to church 3 times a week and more if there was something special going on. 
If there is such a thing as wonder woman she was it!!!  I say was because she is retired and we are grown and she should be relaxing! lol

Now there's me...  My boys ate a lot of cold cereal & pop tarts, hamburger helper & frozen pizza and God help you if you ate off my floors!  Now our house wasn't filthy but it was never spotless ( unless we had company coming from out of town & I would go crazy cleaning).  I do love to sew but my sewing has been more sporadic over the years and it's much easier to sew for girls than boys.  My point here is that I am definitely not as structured as my mom... So I'll share the devotion now and maybe you'll understand my rambling...  I'm not perfect ( far from it) but Jesus loves me just like I am...

July 25, 2012 Feeling Guilty? Lysa TerKeurst

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10 (NIV 1984)

I gathered the restaurant bags, sighed, and crammed them into the overstuffed trash can. A friend had sent me a recipe that day which involved peeling and chopping and simmering. I imagined her trash can full of fresh veggie peelings and other things that proved her kitchen produced way more homemade goodness than mine.

And a little thread of guilt wrapped around my heart.

Sometimes I feel more guilty for what I'm not than thankful for what I am.

But there was sweet grace waiting for me in a yogurt shop that night. My daughter had asked if I would come and speak to a little Bible Study she was helping organize. "Mom, I think there are going to be a lot of people that show up."

So, instead of cooking that night I ordered out. Again. And then I drove to the yogurt shop with the girl whose heart was full of excitement and expectation.

People were everywhere. Young people. Invited people. And parents. Nearly 200 people packed inside the yogurt shop and overflowed outside. My daughter smiled.

I took the microphone and spoke from my heart. I told my story. I taught truth. I invited the people to let Jesus be the Lord of their hearts.

And many who had never done so said yes to God that night. A teen girl who'd tried to commit suicide last year. She stood to accept Jesus. A young man with tears in his eyes. He stood to accept Jesus. A mom and a dad. They stood to accept Jesus. Along with many others.

In the yogurt shop.

With a woman whose trash can was filled with take-out bags.

A woman who isn't the greatest cook. But a woman who wants to learn to be more thankful for what I am than guilty for what I'm not.

Maybe you are the friend with the veggie peelings in the trash can and steaming homemade goodness on the table.

Celebrate that.

Or maybe you are like me. And your gifts are less tasty.

Celebrate that.

And cut the threads of guilt with the edge of grace.

Dear Lord, You made me in Your image and that is something I seem to forget daily. Please help me remember to celebrate and live in who You made me to be and not in what I wish I was. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Reflect and Respond:
As a mom, wife, or woman what have you felt guilty about in your daily life?

"Sometimes I feel more guilty for what I'm not than thankful for what I am." This is such a powerfully honest statement. Think about three things you previously saw as negative, but can now celebrate about yourself.

Power Verses:
Colossians 3:17, "And whatever you do in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." (NIV)

Psalm 139:13-14, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." (NIV)

“ I sought the Lord; and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears ”

There are days that my devotions for the day just really hit home, today is one of those days.  The title was the scripture for one of todays devotions and then the prayer that ended it, "Dear Lord, thank You for always listening to my conflicts and confusions. And thank You for Your constant presence."  speak volumes to my heart.  There are many nights that I lay down and I'm so tired mentally that prayer is impossible for me.  Now that being said, although I may not do a lot of formal "praying" I have a constant dialogue going with my Jesus.  There is no beginning or ending to this conversation and I must say it's mostly me just (looking for the right word) rambling...  I have learned that Jesus is the only constant in life, no matter what is or isn't going on in my life He is always there, whether I am talking to Him or not (and yes, there are times when I get angry and go silent) He never leaves my side.  If anyone moves, it is I so I have learned (or maybe that should be learning) to rest in His presence...

Devotion #2 starts with this scripture;  Micah 4:12 ( I love Micah) But they do not know
the thoughts of the Lord;
they do not understand his plan,
that he has gathered them like sheaves to the threshing floor.

This says it all, I can plan and fret and fuss all day long but it doesn't change the fact that God sees the big picture, I only get certain frames and never all at once or necessarily in what I would consider the right order.  So then this particular devotion (really it's more of a lesson for me) ends with these three questions:

1.How has God used a difficult situation in your past for your good?

            2.Is there a situation in your life right now that you can look at from a fresh perspective?   

             3.How can you share your experiences with someone else who needs encouragement today?

         Good questions, right? 

Question one is easy, every difficult situation strengthens my relationship with Christ.  I've said many times that I don't know how people get through things like their child having cancer, or their husband developing ALS, without a relationship with Christ.  How do they survive?  Without His strength, I couldn't do this even one day, let alone every day...

Question two, a fresh perspective, this is a little harder for me, I tend to get bogged down in self pity so I try to look at it from where Scott is sitting.  If I were in shoes, how would I cope?

Question three, that's too easy, I do this.  I didn't set this blog up, my ex daughter-in-law did.  She did it as a way for us to keep people up to date on Caleb's progress during his treatments but she also had been reading a lot of blogs and she had the insight to know it would help me.  There have been times that it has been my saving grace.  When I sit down to update it usually turns into something that I had no idea was inside me.  The words just pour out, so many times I have written things and when I read over them I don't know where it all came from and even as I say that I do know, God knows my heart and only He could write some (most) of the things that have been poured out on these pages and my prayer is that help someone, somewhere get through their own trials, that these words lead someone to Jesus, that they confirm something in someones heart, that someone can grasp something and know that they are not alone.

This is the scripture from another of todays devotions:

2 Corinthians 4:16-18(NIV)

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

So I just finished reading one of my daily devotions and had to share this portion,   
              

"But every time I said, "There's no way," I'd remember Jesus calling himself, "The way..." (John 14:6).

     He was the way. He was the One to follow. He was the One who would guide me each day.  He was the One I needed to pour out my heart to in prayer. He was the One to listen to. And He was the One who reassured me with so many promises in the Bible. One of those promises was Isaiah 58:10-11:

"... If you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."

  I can't tell you how many times I have said "Lord, I can't do this" and yet here I am, doing things I could NEVER do without the strength of the Lord!   I remember when Scott was very first diagnosed I was driving down the street talking to God, telling Him "I can't do this"  and I heard Him say "no, but I can".  We tend to get so wrapped up in our own abilities that we forget who we are in Christ!

Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Psalm 121
A song of ascents. I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

Well it's been awhile since I felt like writing, I'm not really sure what brought on the urge to write now... 
Since I wrote last we have gained some new family members, Ben got married last Friday so I have gained a daughter-in-law and 2 grand kids.  Natalie (most of us call her Nat) has a daughter (Nadia) that is 6 (7 in August) and Nathan just turned 4 in Feb.  He and Colt are only 3 months apart in age and Nadia and Grace are right at 1 yr apart ( Grace will be 8 in June).  The girls get along really well and were very excited to become sisters.  Ben isn't on the road anymore and it is wonderful to have them home!  I spent about 2 hours just talking to him today, I can't tell you the last time we did that.
Daniel is also off the road for the most part, if he goes on the road he is home on the weekends. 
Caleb was out of school from Nov. til the end of last month and he has gone into a different school which makes it much easier for him to get around.  He seems to like it ok, he does miss the socialization but that was a problem for him so it's probably a good thing! 
Jacob got a new truck a while back  (new to him) so he is off and running all the time now!  He turned 18 last week!  Seems like yesterday he was my cute cuddly little boy.
We've had some big birthdays this year, Ben turned 30 in March, Zac turned 20 on the 9th then Jacob was 18 on the 18th and Caleb will be 16 in October!  Daniel and Tori are between big birthdays this year.
April was a very busy month for us, as I mentioned we've had 3 important birthdays,  Scott's sister Lynda came to visit and while she was here we had my step-grandmothers burial, she had  passed away early that week, the next week was Easter so the family came in, 2 days later Caleb had a 3 month check-up and my dad got a pace maker put in the same day!  Then the wedding was the 20th.  Last Saturday I don't think I did a single thing but lay around, I was completely exhausted! 
Scott is wheel chair bound now, he has all but quit going down to the shop and if he does go it's only for about an hour, it's hard for him to be there since he can't work.  He is no longer eating food except for a very small bowl of applesauce that he takes one of his pills in and he does still try to drink water.  He gets all of his nutrition through his feeding tube and the rest of his med's go through the tube also.  He is no longer able to speak so we got him an I-pad and added a speech app so he can still communicate, that seems to be working out pretty well. 
I guess that leaves me.  Everyone always asks how I'm doing and if I'm really honest the answer is "I don't really know".  I don't think about it, if I did I might fall apart and there is no time for that!  I have a handful of people in my life that give me amazing support and I have found that the more I try to reach out to others in need the easier it is live in my world.  I have a friend that is going through a lot of her own trials right now and she always says to me that she feels guilty for telling me her problems, she doesn't understand that it helps to know we aren't the only ones going through tough times.  To hear other peoples troubles takes me out of my own... It could be much worse than it is...
I told my mom the other day that as messed up and hard as our lives have been the last      3 1/2 yrs, I wouldn't trade it, as strange as it may sound, I love my life.  I have learned so much over the last few years, like how much I love my kids, how much joy they bring me!  Every time we have a family gathering and all my babies are here (yeah I know they're all grown up but they will forever be my babies), I don't have words to express it... it gets so loud and crazy and I look around and sweet, sweet Jesus, the deep, deep joy I feel to be able to touch them and tell them I love them, to have them give me hugs... God has been good to me, and I thank Him every day for every precious moment we have!  Life is too short to dwell on the bad, we must be grateful for every good thing in our lives and for the strength to get through the bad things... So whatever tomorrow holds, this moment in time is precious to me and I am overcome with gratitude for this day, for the hugs from my boys, for the "I love you mama's" , for the knowledge that no matter how bad I mess up Jesus loves me, still...
Through all of this, over and over again this is the scripture that I hold to...

Lamentations 3:21-23(NIV)

²¹ Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Well it's a new year and as happy as I am to see the last year put behind us I am almost terrified of the year to come.  We need a miracle, I have friends that need miracles.  These aren't small little glitches we are facing, these are life altering mountains and deep, black valleys we are going through.  I have a dear friend that has had to deal with the recurrence of cancer in her son, I have talked about the Everaards before, they are dealing with a double dose of sickness.  Doug's mom had breast cancer several yrs ago and it is back and metastasized to her liver, and Gray has had to go back in for a surgery and we are all pleading with God to let it be nothing.  My step dads mom had a kidney removed last yr  because of cancer and it is back, it is every where, they think even in her bones, they have given her 6 months to a year.  I have another friend that had to have surgery awhile back and then had to have tests right before Christmas, I don't know yet how that went.  Then there is this hideous disease that Scott is fighting, so you see what I mean when I say we need miracles.  Earlier I got a message from a friend that said she can't quit crying, that she is tired of her friends hurting, I told her I know, I am worn out and a scripture ran through my mind... it is the second one in the list but I couldn't remember exactly where it was in Psalms so I just searched for worn out and got all 3...

1. Job 16:7
   Surely, God, you have worn me out; you have devastated my entire household. 
2. Psalm 6:6
   I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears.
3. Psalm 69:3
   I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched. My eyes fail, looking for my God.
    

Now I read those and I thought about this, no matter what is going on, no matter how bad it has gotten or how bad it gets, God is still God, I know this to the core of my being!  There are people that will blame God for all of these things and people that don't believe, or will stop believing but I will NOT stop, I will not give up, I will not cave in to the lie satan tries to make us believe...  I may be worn out and cry all night long, but joy comes in the morning!  Ps 30:5  ...weeping may remain for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Is 43:18,19  ¹⁸ “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I have used that last scripture before, if you have followed the blog you may remember it.
I have said before that I don't know how people survive these kinds of things without a relationship with Christ, without Christ there is no hope...  without Jesus I am empty, I couldn't survive a day without Him and I've tried, believe me, I tried hard.  So I guess what I'm saying is that as hard as all of this is, without Jesus I think I would give up and die, period. 
So, for this moment my throat may be parched from groaning but I refuse to stop believing in and waiting for miracles!!!  I will shout unto the Lord!!!  I will sing a new song!!!  My joy WILL come!!!  My God shall supply ALL my needs!!!  No matter what life throws at me I will with Christ's help overcome ALL adversity!!!