Awed again by His faithfulness...

Today's lesson... faithfulness. Let me start by saying this is not a plug for donations! This is a testimony of God's love for us, his provision for his children, his goodness and mercy. As most of you know, I quit my job when all of this started with Caleb, I knew he would need me home with him while he is going through this and trying to keep up with all the appointments, treatments, the house, the rest of the family, and a job, was not going to be possible. So needless to say things are very tight. Until this month we have gotten by, but this month we were there, on the brink of not making payments, but which ones do you let go? How do we buy groceries? I'm going to be brutally honest here and only God knows how hard this is for me. I hate asking for help, it is so demeaning to me... I thought we had finally gotten free of scraping and scratching to make it until the next check, no food stamps anymore, no HUD housing, no church clothes closet clothing for my kids. Let me just say here that I am VERY grateful that we had all of those things, but unless you have lived that life, you can't grasp how hard it is to be in this spot, so afraid of being there again. Well, the Bible says in Psalm 37:25 "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread". We couldn't make the car payment or buy groceries and a couple of other things. Lo and behold someone gave us enough money to pay the car payment and take care of some other smaller bills and then someone went and bought us groceries, so that got us through to the next check. So...needless to say, there again, was not enough money to pay all the bills. This time all of the utilities were due on top of the house payment and insurance payments. I sat and had a talk with God about this early in the day a few days ago. I was at a complete loss as to how we were going to pay these bills, waiting for the next paycheck wouldn't help because there were (are) other bills that check has to pay. Anyway...as the day wore on the phone rang...it was the pastor from the Presbyterian church here in town. He proceeded to tell me that one of Caleb's friends from school had requested prayer for him sometime back and more recently had come to them and said she wanted do something more. He said that this young lady organized her youth group and had a car wash in Caleb's honor and they had raised $648.00, he would bring it by the next day. Now, I told my mom that I hadn't sat down and figured up exactly what we needed to catch us up but I bet that when I did it would probably be the right amount right on the nose. Well, the next day when he brought the check it was actually for $668.00, and guess what!!! Now, I know better than to doubt God, but even when I do, He is faithful. Yes, I have had struggles in life, but seriously, I usually have brought those on myself and God may not just miraculously deliver me from those struggles but at the very least if I will pay attention and listen to that soft voice inside, He will lead me out of whatever dilemma I happen to be in. God knows exactly what we need and exactly when we need it. Things like this have been going on from the beginning of this trial. People have been so good to us. As Christians, we are the body of Christ, so thank you, to all of you that have reached out to us in one way or another, thank you for being the hands and arms, the very heart of Christ himself. You will have jewels in your crowns someday. You will never know this side of heaven how much you have touched our lives. You are showing Caleb the love of Christ in so many different ways, you are teaching him whether you know it or not. And for those of you that wonder what in the world I am talking about... thank you too. You may not realize it, but God is using your gifts and generosity too. There are so many lives being affected through all of this. As I have said from the beginning...God has a plan!
A long time ago Pastor Micah preached a sermon on the word "nevertheless", and during Caleb's first chemo treatment I thought of that sermon, and it has stuck with me. Through all of this, come what may... NEVERTHELESS, I WILL SERVE THE LORD!!! God is still God, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though it's waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.... I will be still and KNOW that HE IS GOD!!!
Isaiah 41:13...For I, the LORD your God, will hold your right hand,Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’

Hitchhikers...

I'm putting one of my devotions on here today because it really spoke to me. I hope it speaks to you also...

Last night, I picked up a hitchhiker along the highway. I'm ashamed to admit it's the first time I've ever done that. Sure, I've handed out a bottle of water or treated a homeless person to lunch. But I've never picked up a hitchhiker.As I pulled over, a lot of thoughts went through my mind. First, my wife is going to kill me for doing this! I'll be late, and she will be worried about me picking up some stranger on the side of the highway. Second, what if my wife's fears are founded and this guy tries to mug me or worse? Third, how does this even work? What do I say? "Hi, I'm Alan, I'll be your driver for the next 30 miles."But I knew when I saw him, that I had to pick him up. It didn't hit me at first. I actually drove past him. Then I got off the interstate, went two miles back around, and then picked him up. But God was telling me the whole time that I had to pick this man up and give him a ride. So I did.As he got in the church van I was driving, he put his bag in the back and climbed in the cab. I introduced myself, "Hi! I'm Alan. You hungry?""Yeah. I'm Tim. Thanks for stopping. I'm starved. I had a granola bar this morning at about 6:30, but nothing since."I took him to Arby's and we both got a combo meal and sat down. People took notice of Tim's long, scraggly, oily hair and his dirty clothes, but no one was really rude or said anything. Tim told me about his life, about how he was born in Ohio, his dad died when he was 12, of how he moved to Tennessee, was discharged from the military for a seizure he had in basic, and that he had been hitchhiking since then. That was in 1972. He has been homeless, hitchhiking and living from Tennessee to California for 37 years. I realized that much of Tim's situation was self-induced. He had attempted to go to a career tech school in California, and that it was even going to be all paid for, but there was too much paperwork and he didn't want to take the time to fill it out. When he was discharged from the military, he could have gone to college in Tennessee for free with his GI benefits, but didn't enroll in time to take advantage of it. He had three years to do so.After we ate, I took him to the motel next door and put him up for the night. And I drove home.
As I was driving the last hour to my house, I could not get Tim out of my mind. All the details about him were vividly impressed upon me. His silver hair that was longer than my wife's, his hands that were cleaner than I expected but still quite dirty, the fact that he didn't smell as bad as I thought a person hitchhiking from California would, his shoes that he had gotten recently that already had holes in them. But the one thing that stood out more than anything else was his eyes. He had the clearest blue eyes I have ever seen. They were the color of light blue ice, like glaciers. Hear my heart when I say this: He was beautiful. It broke my heart that he was in such a situation and I kept telling myself, "Alan, he made these choices, these decisions that have brought him here. Yeah, life threw him some hard knocks, but he didn't do himself any favors."And that's when I had the following thought. I wrote all the above, not for you to say, "What a great guy Alan is!" but to hear what God led me through last night in my hour towards home:God looked at humanity, after the fall. He saw our dirty clothes, our unkempt hair, our dirty hands, our shoes with holes in them. All of that. And He said, "They are beautiful."And even while Satan whispered, "God, they did this to themselves. They made these decisions. Remember? You told them not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge. Don't feel too bad for them," God sent His Son in the form of a man to pay the penalty for our sins.And even while some well-intentioned angel said, "God, don't give them grace; they will just spend it on cheap liberty," God released grace through the cross.Both statements are true:
We did do this to ourselves.
We do spend grace on cheap liberty.
But God loved us through those facts and gave us the greatest gift of all in Jesus Christ.So the next time you see a homeless person and think, "I shouldn't give them cash, they will just spend it on alcohol," or, "They probably just did this to themselves," remember: the same is true about us. While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And whatsoever we do unto the least of these, we do to Him.

home sweet home...

We got home yesterday afternoon sometime, we stopped at Braums on the way home so Caleb could have icecream. While we were sitting in the parking lot along came Miss Jill. She was meeting Rae and Kari Anne so we said hello and caught them up. We are going to Colt's first birthday party today so I have alot to get done. I will try to update more later today.

Saturday...

It is a little after noon on Saturday, Caleb is sleeping the day away, of course what else has he got to do? I took pictures to put on here but I forgot my cord, so I can't download them! Duh!!! Oh well, I guess I'll do it when we get home. Jessie may come to the city today and if they do they are going to bring Taco Bell for Caleb. He wanted it last night but I couldn't get ahold of anyone to bring it. Needless to say I am still bored silly, guess I will try to find something to do...


One of my devotions for the day is titled "The God of all comfort"...
the author says " ...so get to know God-you'll need Him. And He'll be there for you. He'll be there when everybody and everything else has failed you. He'll be there for you in the dark places." "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5
However long the night, morning always comes, and with it His joy. As you look back you'll realize that His grace protected you, provided for you, secured you, calmed you, comforted you and brought you through. Times and seasons change, but not God. He's always "the God of all comfort."

Pretty good, huh?
P.S. I added a couple of pictures, be sure and look for them! (thank you Kara)

Noon on day 3...

Well when Caleb decided he was hungry last night he meant it. He had 2 burrito's, 2 corn dogs, 3 little cans of Sprite and a can of Hawiian punch. This morning? Nothing... Go figure. He didn't even wake up when Bob Stoops was in the room! But he sure smiled when he woke up and saw the ball. We played farm town for awhile on facebook this morning and now he is watching the animal planet. I'm bored. He is waiting to be able to take a shower, they have to cover up the dressing that covers his port. Guess that's it for now...

Friends

I just read Kara's blog (browneyesandfreckles) and am at a loss for words... She wrote about Caleb, there are even pictures and her grasp of something I was trying to say awhile back is touching to say the least. Thank you Kara for opening your heart to see Caleb.

Caleb has always been...my first thought is "my wild child", but he wasn't so much wild, just completely independent, probably because I wasn't available for most of his first three years. Caleb has always been a very strong willed child. Most people would say rebellious but I don't think that's it. He knows what he wants and the consequences just don't matter, he is willing to pay the cost. The only thing I can ever remember him being afraid of was a stuffed gorilla that was bigger than him, he still talks about that thing. He's never been clingy or needy, he could play by himself for hours. Keeping tabs on him was nearly impossible! I would tell him not to leave the house and he would sneak out the door that I was furthest from, every time. He could be as quiet as a church mouse and I wouldn't know he was gone until I looked for him. This is all changing. The other day he wanted to go play across the street, mom and I needed to go somewhere and she was positive he would leave as soon as we did (he always had pre-c), he called me 3 times to see if he could please go across the street but he never went. For some strange reason this thing has calmed him down so much. He is still Caleb, he still wants to run and play, but he is more obedient than he ever has been. He is more touchy feely than he ever was before, he sits still for long periods of time with me now. His eyes still sparkle most of the time, he still smiles quite a bit, but he is quieter, calmer. In the Bible Caleb was one of the twelve spies sent to check out the promised land and only 2 of those spies were not afraid, Caleb was one of them. He saw the big picture, the possibilities, not the fact that those giants could crush them. He saw what God had for them, and he wanted it, period. He trusted God to give it to them, and he did. God said "Caleb is of a different spirit, and follows me whole heartedly" , I expect my Caleb will do the same. I expect him to come through this strong, with a testimony that will bring people to the knowledge and saving grace of Jesus Christ. Look at his pictures, isn't he beautiful? God has a plan and a purpose for this young mans life! For some unfathomable reason, God allowed me to play the part of mother, what ever was he thinking? :)
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Twiddle, twiddle...

Ho Hum... I have seen so many episodes of Zac and Cody that I could pull my hair out!!! I now have a farm on facebook. Now it's Miley...HELP!!! Is anybody out there? :l
We moved sides this morning, back in a small room but it's ok. Our nurse today is the one that reminds us of April. Caleb has slept most of the day but he is awake and watching, can ya guess? yep, Zac and Cody. He hasn't eaten today, well, does ice cream count? More later...

Well...he is sleeping again. They just brought dinner, gotta go for now...

In OKC

We got here around 9:30 this AM and got a room pretty quickly, but they were still mopping when we got up here so we waited in the tv room for a few minutes. Oh, we got put on stem cell side again but it's ok this time. There is an x-box 360 in the tv room so Caleb stayed there playing most of the day (a first, he NEVER leaves the room). He made a friend, one of the patients had a brother visiting and they played together. Our room is bigger and the shower isn't over the toilet in this bathroom, there is a separate shower. so YA!!! Caleb is in pretty good spirits today, he ate 2 doughnuts this morning, ate 12 mini corn dogs a while ago and is now lying there watching tv. I napped this afternoon, didn't get much sleep last night. We will be here until Sunday, not sure how late yet. Well I guess thats about all for now.
I am adding on one of my devotions from today, it seemed appropriate, and you wouldn't believe how many times the scriptures in my devotions or the devotion itself has fit so well through all of this.
"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

Devotion:
Have you ever opened a book and read a passage and been amazed because it was exactly what you needed to hear? And you felt like it was written and sent just to you on that day at that moment? Some may call it a coincidence, but I call it a gift from God!

Last night I did not sleep. I recently had surgery on my left foot. Yesterday the doctor gave me the green light to put full weight on that foot again. For the first time in three weeks, I walked using that foot. I was so happy not to use crutches or limp around that I got a little carried away. Last night I awoke in such great pain, I cried. Finally I took some pain medication, but I never could go back to sleep.

This morning I am absolutely exhausted! I'm tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm tired from no sleep. I'm tired of trying so hard to function. I'm ready to run and I can't. I'm frustrated. I'm weak. I'm what Isaiah calls "weary."

This morning I opened my devotion book for a healthy dose of God's Word. I was overjoyed when I read the words from Isaiah. It was exactly what I needed to hear: "My strength will be renewed because I have hope in the Lord."

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Father. I can trust Him and count on Him to keep His Word. My heavenly Father is always with me, something my earthly parents can't be.

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Comforter. My foot may hurt and my emotions are unbalanced. I don't feel very comfortable at the moment, but I am comforted. My Comforter supplies me with the love, peace, and hope I need to know I'm going to be okay.

I have hope in the Lord because He is my Disciplinarian. I have to admit, this isn't my favorite characteristic of Him. But I know without it, I'd be out of control! I need a strong hand to guide me and keep me in line. I actually feel safe and secure because my Father disciplines me. I know it is through that discipline that I am strengthened. I also know He disciplines me because He loves me.

I may be weak today, but what a great place to be. It draws me closer to the One I need most. My Father, my Comforter, my Disciplinarian.

Dear Lord, I have found my hope in You! Thank You for being there to provide for me as my Father, Comforter, and Disciplinarian. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

chemo tomorrow...

Well... we went to the Dr. today, Caleb's counts are good so he goes in for his last chemo before surgery. This is a five day treatment. We have a tentative date of June 8th for Caleb's surgery. The Dr. said the surgeon will take out the bone from just below his knee (including that growth plate) to just below the middle of his shin. According to his Dr. they will replace it with a dead bone, with either a rod through the middle or screws and bolts to attach to bone. Sometime before the surgery we will meet with the orthopedic surgeon to discuss all of his options. He was VERY upset earlier this afternoon but now he is acting fine...this child is nearly impossible to read. He absolutely refuses to talk about any of it, on an up note, he is eating and drinking again. I refuse to be discouraged, it could be so much worse! I got an e-mail from my (ex)mother-in-law the other day and one of her brothers is dying of cancer, lung and brain. I will be completely honest, I do not know how I feel right now. I do NOT want him to lose that growth plate. I want his bones above and below the removal to continue to grow. His bone below the surgery and his foot will continue to grow, which is very good. I was concerned about his feet staying the same size. I want to scream and throw a fit and say this is not fair, but life is not fair, no one gets out unscathed. So...I will continue to keep my chin up so that Caleb can keep his up!!! Like I have said all along, God has a plan, we just don't know what it is yet. We will all come through this stronger than before. I remember a sermon Pastor Shorey gave several years ago, he used the scripture Ecclesiastes 7:8 The end of a matter is better than it's beginning, and patience is better than pride. He said that does not mean everything will be better, as in good, but that anything you do, if you do it long enough,or you work at it hard enough, you will get better at it. So we could get angry and bitter and we would get really good at it or we can look at this with a positive attitude, Caleb is alive and only losing a small portion of his bone. Instead of Caleb dying, this cancer is dying!!! I think I will close for tonight, I need to gather my thoughts and get alone with God for a bit.
Psalm 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
Psalm 41:13 For I am the Lord your God. who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear, I will help you.

Dr. appt today...

I will let you know later this evening what we find out at the Dr.s office today. I am going to put in one of my devotions for the day but first... the only difference between the believer and the unbeliever is the complete acceptance of the word of God. Christians have confessed their sin and completely, and totally believe that Jesus Christ is the son of the only true and living God, he was born of the virgin Mary, died on the cross, and rose again on the third day. God loves the unbeliever just as much as the believer, but until they believe and recieve Christ they can't have that peace that only comes from knowing Christ.
I have an aunt that has lost both of her sons, Monte, in a car wreck when he was 16 (he was more like my brother than a cousin) and Tony was 34 when he was murdered in thier home, he died in his mother's arms. Like the lady in this devotion, there are no grandchildren, no hope of more children, but, she has peace because she knows where to turn for comfort and strength...


Horrified, I placed the phone back in its charger. My mind reeled. What could I say to one of my dearest friends after this new tragedy had struck? First, she experienced the loss of a fourteen-year-old son to brain cancer. Now her eldest son, only eighteen, had been discovered mugged and murdered. Incomprehensible.

She asked, "Why?" I had no answer other than, "I don't know, but I cling to the factual knowledge that God is good, regardless. Tragedies in this life are beyond our understanding this side of heaven."

I believe Jesus is good, and that knowledge sings from the depths of my soul. This nugget of truth is more precious than life itself to me. We have been taught and recognize that faith is not something we can necessarily see, hear, feel, taste, or touch. It is stepping out of our comfort zones and trusting God--regardless of how we feel emotionally. The Bible explains, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1, NIV).

The true story of Horatio G. Spafford demonstrates this type of faith in God's goodness. Spafford wrote the familiar hymn, "It is Well with My Soul" in 1872 after his four daughters drowned, soon after his own financial bankruptcy. He, somehow, held onto the fact that despite the outward circumstances, God was good. He wrote, "And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight." He knew that his faith was not in vain, and that someday he would see the meaning and purpose of all the tragedy surrounding his life at that moment.
For myself I think my greatest lesson of faith has been in the acknowledgement that God is good--all the time. Oswald Chambers wrote, "Faith by its very nature must be tested and tried. And the real trial of faith is not that we find it difficult to trust God, but that God's character must be proven trustworthy in our own minds."

There will always be moments of uncertainty. I find comfort in the words written by David Jeremiah in My Heart's Desire:

You may sometimes feel awkward and uncomfortable, and find yourself saying, "Is this really true? I don't see anything in it. I don't hear God's voice. I don't feel His presence." There are days like that for all of us. The pursuit of God has no shortcuts. You simply must keep walking, keep seeking, and keep yearning. Keep at it, and you won't be disappointed.

God is good, even as I mourn with my friend. I have witnessed her grief, anger, and doubt. But throughout the passing months, I have watched her cling to Jesus with hands wet with tears. My friend believes God is good all the time even when she can't feel it with her emotions. Her faith rests in the fact, "The Lord is good and his love endures forever."

Dear Lord, grant me the faith to know that You are good all the time, even during the most difficult circumstances of this life. When I am weak, lift me up. Enable me to accept the love and comfort from others who love me, but let me rely on Your everlasting love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Peace...

It has been about 3 months now since Aimee set this blog up for us. I don't know exactly how she saw all of this playing out, or how I did for that matter. I think it is very interesting that I did not want to do this AT ALL, and now here I set trying to put thoughts and feelings on paper. Aimee is very smart.
At the top of this page there is a scripture that Aimee found and it is just so perfect. Today I am going to pour my heart out. They say confession is good for the soul...

In Feb., thirteen years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. The boys father and I had split up in Jan. so this was unexpected to say the least. I became very depressed and even angry that God would allow this to happen. Here I was, a single mom with 3 boys, living in government housing, using food stamps to feed us, working a part-time job. How did God in his "infinite wisdom" expect ME to take care of another child( there was the problem, He didn't expect me to do it)? I could not cope. I decided I wanted to name the baby Joshua Aaron, at some point his father decided we could do that. As time went on I didn't really want that name for this baby, I decided on Caleb (look over on the side for meanings for the boys names), however his father and I were not in agreement. As this baby was being delivered, I began to hyperventilate and the anesthesiologist noticed this. He began to engage me in conversation to distract me and finally he asked if we had a named picked out, Dennis said yes at the same time I said no, so I asked what we were naming him? He said Caleb Aaron. So begins this story. I had hung on through the pregnancy, but my relationship with the Lord had deteriorated and was continuing to do so. I did manage to get Caleb dedicated before I went off the deep end. Eventually I completely quit going to church but did continue to send the boys. I knew where the answers were I just couldn't seem to find them myself, I was still very angry with God, and was refusing to speak to him. The boys father got a girlfriend and this sent me further into depression, because, who, in their right mind, :) would want a woman with 4 children? I do not believe there was a singles group at the church at that time and I had no idea that I was in the downward spiral that I was in. Finally, one Friday night I went to a little bar (that my ex-husband loved) to listen to karoake, I was hooked. Eventually this became my coping mechanism. I had a schedule, Monday night was Godfrey's, Tuesday night was the Eagles Nest, Wednesday night was AJ's Lounge, Thursday through Saturday back to the Nest. They loved me there, I would walk in and people made me feel welcome and part of something. I think this need for acceptance had something to do with never being popular growing up, in any case, I felt wanted for just who I was. Eventually I got up the nerve to try singing and "wow" , what a feeling! Once I go over being scared, I loved it. People clapped for me, I entered contests and won. Seriously, have you ever heard a drunk man sing? Of course I won! I could sing and people had no idea that those songs were about me. Ever heard Broken Wing by Martina McBride? I sang that song every night, with passion. I never saw the damage that I was doing to my children. The healing from this life style is still a work in progress. In March of 1999, I left my children and went to Rhode Island. This was probably rock bottom for me. On Mother's day I waited for the phone to ring all day and finally called my mother's house myself. Ben was not at my moms, but I talked to Daniel and Caleb. Jacob did not want to speak to me. After some coaxing, He got on the phone and asked "when are you coming to get us", I told him I couldn't right now and he never said another word, handed the phone to my mom and that was that. I came and got them a few weeks later and we went back to Rhode Island. At the end of September I came across my Bible... I sat down and cried and asked God, how I had gone from this woman, completely in love with Jesus to this god forsaken place I was in, and I had dragged my babies along for the ride! It got worse before it got better, but by the first week of November, we were headed home. I went straight back to church!!! I can't describe the peace... after everything I had done, God was waiting with open arms. There were a couple of times where I almost let myself get derailed but somewhere along the line I had come to realize that I needed God more than anything else. Over the last 9 years God has healed so much of the devastation that I caused and so, we have come full circle. Almost thirteen years to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, he was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. This is what I told God... "You allowed me to get pregnant with this child and now you're going to let me lose him? Why would You do this?" I could feel the anger coming back! With a vengance!!! Who do You think You are, giving me this child for this to happen to him? I knew I had to get this anger under control fast, I knew where it could take us and life without Christ is not life! I do not know how this story will end, except that whatever life throws at us, with Christ we will overcome! Caleb and I are finally bonding the way we should have when he was a baby, I see him changing more and more all the time. The fold out chair I sleep in at the hospital is usually nearly touching his bed and he will play with my hair the way the other boys did when they were little bitty, he holds my hand and I know that God is bringing good from what satan meant for evil! I had a couple of revalations in church this morning, the first one (during praise and worship)was the only thing in life that I can not survive without is Christ, the second, (during the alter service) this is not punishment (thank you Vicky for confirmation). Not for my sins and not for Caleb's. God didn't do this. God WILL get us through this!!! This morning when I went to the alter, God wrapped us in His arms and reminded me (again) that He is here, He is not leaving, we are not on our own, that I can trust Him with everything in my life if I will just let go... so I stood there this morning and said out loud " I trust You", over and over until I felt peace. God knows the future, I don't...He loves Caleb more than I do. I am a control freak, so this is sometimes very hard for me, to let go and just trust is tough. It shouldn't be, He has never let me down and I know, He never will! This morning during that alter time when God wrapped us in His arms, again, in His "infinite widsom" He used the people of our church to show His love. I am home. If you have been keeping up with this blog then you know what all has taken place from the time this started until now, if you're new here then go back and start at the beginning and stay tuned to see the awesome way God uses all of this to bring glory to the kingdom of God! Pastor Micah used one of my favorite scriptures this morning so I will close with it...

Isaiah 43:18,19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

We are not alone...

Most of the time I don't think about the fact that my son isn't the only one this is happening to. Just a little while ago I got online and on my yahoo homepage there was a headline about a football player with cancer, now I am not a football fan by any means but I decided to click on his story and low and behold he has been diagnosed with ewing sarcoma, he is 22. My heart broke, I still can't stop crying. My heart is breaking for his mama too, I know what she is going through and I hurt for her. My thoughts turn to my faith, and I wonder, do they know Jesus? Do they have that rock to lean on? Or are they alone in this? It is hard enough to get through this with Christ, I couldn't do it without him. We sang a song in church Sunday that touches me every time we sing it, here is the chorus; "You are my shield, My strength, My portion, Deliverer, My shelter, Strong tower, My very present help in time of need". I love this song because my God is all of these things and so much more. Most people have had some kind of revelation that God is real, they have had a moment of acceptance, not me, He was always there, one of my very first memories is of walking around outside talking to God, I was probably 4. Now, I have walked away from my relationship with the Lord on more than one occasion, but I always come back because He loves me just like I am, no matter how unfaithful I've been, He is always there with open arms waiting for me. He doesn't care if I'm fat or thin, pretty or ugly, smart or not, he doesn't care what I have or haven't done, He just loves me, period. We will get through this because He will carry us, I feel His presence all of the time, we are wrapped in the shelter of the almighty. I hope that Mark Herzlich and his family know Jesus, I hope that we have more than ewing sarcoma in common, and if not, then I pray "Dear Jesus, let them come to know you personally through this". Amen
Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength,an ever present help in trouble. 2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,3 though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.
Psalm 57:10 For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

Low counts...

Well I just talked to the Dr.s office and there will be no chemo this weekend. Caleb's platelets are to low to do chemo. His count is 41 on his platelets and it has to be at least 75. He is a little neutropenic, which means his white blood cell count is down so he is more susceptible to infections. I let him go to school yesterday and today but it looks like he will be staying home tomorrow, he won't be happy about that at all. He will do cbc's here on Monday and we have an appointment on the 19th in OKC to go over all of the scans from last week and if his counts are good then he will go in on Wednesday for chemo, and that is a 5 day treatment. Psalm 31:5 Into Your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O Lord, the God of truth. verse 24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Tests

Well Caleb survived two days of testing, but boy are we glad it's over. He seems to be very depressed today though and he won't say why, as a matter of fact, he won't talk at all. He is in bed watching tv, he says nothing is wrong, but there is. I think seeing the bone scan upset him, I think he thought you wouldn't be able to see it anymore but you can. I know he is tired of all this and just wants to be back to normal. I said something last night, and I can't even remember what it was but whatever it was he said "you know I would change this if I could", I then realized he feels like this is all his fault, and he feels bad for messing everything up. I told him, this is not his fault, there was nothing he could have done, and how much I love him and how bad I hate this for him, and I would change it in a heartbeat if I could. He needs to do some laughing, get some hugs(lots of them), and just feel loved and wanted.
Psalm 17:22 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
Psalm 18:14 A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Isaiah 61:3 ...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of dispair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting for the display of His splendor.

Tests are set...

The Dr.s office called today and Caleb is scheduled for tests all day tomorrow. He has a PET CT at8:45, an MRI at 1:00, a CT chest and leg x-ray at 3:00 and on Friday he has a GFR and bone scan at 1:00. He will also do cbc's at the Dr.s office in between the PET and MRI tomorrow. This happened about a week before I thought it would but I am ready to get to it, Caleb however is very upset because now he will miss his school field trip ( I guess I worried for no reason, funny how that happens, huh?). I told him I will let him go to school next week as long as his blood counts stay good. He will still go in for chemo next Friday, that also is as long as his counts stay good. Then we meet with the Dr. on the 19th to talk about the next step. That is all I know for now. We got into a routine doing the chemo and I guess I just pushed aside why we were doing it, and now that it is getting closer to seeing how much it has helped and what kind of surgery we are looking at it makes it all real again. I don't want my baby to be cut on, that is his leg!!! He cried this morning when I told him he couldn't go on his fieldtrip and I hate that his life isn't normal anymore. Caleb has always been a mess, my wild child and this is breaking his spirit. I'm ok with calming him down, causing him to think things through, being more cautious, but not breaking him. Today, I hurt for him so much, I want to just pick him up and hold him. Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Raining again...

I am so sick of the rain!!! I NEEEED sunshine!!! Caleb went to school today and Miss Heather got here just a few minutes after he got home so they could do school work. He doesn't have to do work when he goes to school, he just sits in his classes. Anyway, he is in trouble because he told me all his work was done so he could go play yesterday and go to school today and guess what? That's right it wasn't all done, so now he is grounded for awhile. He is not very happy right now, poor guy (sticking my bottom lip out for him). He is sitting across from me doing his school work right now. He just asked if he could go to school on Thursday because they are going on a class field trip. They are going skating and to the lake. So that is why he is getting his work done now that is due on Wednesday afternoon, he is trying to bribe me. We'll have to see whether he he gets to go or not. His eyes had some pretty big circles this morning so he probably needs to rest and take it easy before going back again and didn't I just say I was going to ground him? I know, I can't ground him from the school trip, right? It's really, really hard for me to let him go do things, especially things like skating or going to the lake. Danger lurks around every corner now. I get these stupid questionare e-mails all the time and one of the questions is what are you most afraid of. I never would answer that question, I kept it between me and God, and now... I love him soooo much and trying to find middle ground is so very hard!!! I want to let him have fun but where do I draw the line? what is the difference in being a responsible parent and just being over protective? If anyone has an answer please feel free to share! I guess thats it for now. Have a wonderful evening. Psalm 121:7 The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

There's no place like home (3x)...

We got home today around 11:30, yippee!!! Caleb went straight to his room to play games (rolling my eyes). I made him stop and take a shower and take his meds. He will have to have a shot later this evening. He is across the street playing right now, he is so sick of being cooped up. Last Sunday him and Jacob went with my sister and her family to play basketball and since then he has wanted out more. I know it is a good thing but I am very protective of him now. In a little while he will have to do his homework and he really loves that (not). Well I guess that brings us up to date for the moment. As soon as I hear from the Dr.s office about his tests I will post it, I should know within the next couple of days. Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Gray day...

I will start with our trip here yesterday... It was raining when we left home yesterday and continued to get worse until I finally had to pull over because I couldn't see anymore, so we pulled over and then it hailed on us, not to bad though. Even with all that we still made it here 15 minutes early and then we waited 2 hours for a room, but it was ssoooo worth it!!! We got a big room(yay) with a HUGE bathroom (no shower over the toilet), a really nice view, way better furniture & a flat screen tv (Caleb really liked that)!!! One of Caleb's Dr.s (Erin, our favorite) came in yesterday and told us she put in the orders to try and have all his tests (MRI, PET...) done on our next regular visit, which should be on the 14th so that after his next treatment we will know when and what the next step is. We were going to get to go home tonight but Caleb's hemoglobin is low again so he has to have another blood transfusion, so we will go home early tomorrow morning. I think I like that better anyway because I don't like driving at night (night blindness). Well I think that's it for now... Have a great weekend!!! Psalm 8 : 3-9 When I consider your heavens,the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place... O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!