Peace...

It has been about 3 months now since Aimee set this blog up for us. I don't know exactly how she saw all of this playing out, or how I did for that matter. I think it is very interesting that I did not want to do this AT ALL, and now here I set trying to put thoughts and feelings on paper. Aimee is very smart.
At the top of this page there is a scripture that Aimee found and it is just so perfect. Today I am going to pour my heart out. They say confession is good for the soul...

In Feb., thirteen years ago, I found out I was pregnant with Caleb. The boys father and I had split up in Jan. so this was unexpected to say the least. I became very depressed and even angry that God would allow this to happen. Here I was, a single mom with 3 boys, living in government housing, using food stamps to feed us, working a part-time job. How did God in his "infinite wisdom" expect ME to take care of another child( there was the problem, He didn't expect me to do it)? I could not cope. I decided I wanted to name the baby Joshua Aaron, at some point his father decided we could do that. As time went on I didn't really want that name for this baby, I decided on Caleb (look over on the side for meanings for the boys names), however his father and I were not in agreement. As this baby was being delivered, I began to hyperventilate and the anesthesiologist noticed this. He began to engage me in conversation to distract me and finally he asked if we had a named picked out, Dennis said yes at the same time I said no, so I asked what we were naming him? He said Caleb Aaron. So begins this story. I had hung on through the pregnancy, but my relationship with the Lord had deteriorated and was continuing to do so. I did manage to get Caleb dedicated before I went off the deep end. Eventually I completely quit going to church but did continue to send the boys. I knew where the answers were I just couldn't seem to find them myself, I was still very angry with God, and was refusing to speak to him. The boys father got a girlfriend and this sent me further into depression, because, who, in their right mind, :) would want a woman with 4 children? I do not believe there was a singles group at the church at that time and I had no idea that I was in the downward spiral that I was in. Finally, one Friday night I went to a little bar (that my ex-husband loved) to listen to karoake, I was hooked. Eventually this became my coping mechanism. I had a schedule, Monday night was Godfrey's, Tuesday night was the Eagles Nest, Wednesday night was AJ's Lounge, Thursday through Saturday back to the Nest. They loved me there, I would walk in and people made me feel welcome and part of something. I think this need for acceptance had something to do with never being popular growing up, in any case, I felt wanted for just who I was. Eventually I got up the nerve to try singing and "wow" , what a feeling! Once I go over being scared, I loved it. People clapped for me, I entered contests and won. Seriously, have you ever heard a drunk man sing? Of course I won! I could sing and people had no idea that those songs were about me. Ever heard Broken Wing by Martina McBride? I sang that song every night, with passion. I never saw the damage that I was doing to my children. The healing from this life style is still a work in progress. In March of 1999, I left my children and went to Rhode Island. This was probably rock bottom for me. On Mother's day I waited for the phone to ring all day and finally called my mother's house myself. Ben was not at my moms, but I talked to Daniel and Caleb. Jacob did not want to speak to me. After some coaxing, He got on the phone and asked "when are you coming to get us", I told him I couldn't right now and he never said another word, handed the phone to my mom and that was that. I came and got them a few weeks later and we went back to Rhode Island. At the end of September I came across my Bible... I sat down and cried and asked God, how I had gone from this woman, completely in love with Jesus to this god forsaken place I was in, and I had dragged my babies along for the ride! It got worse before it got better, but by the first week of November, we were headed home. I went straight back to church!!! I can't describe the peace... after everything I had done, God was waiting with open arms. There were a couple of times where I almost let myself get derailed but somewhere along the line I had come to realize that I needed God more than anything else. Over the last 9 years God has healed so much of the devastation that I caused and so, we have come full circle. Almost thirteen years to the day that I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, he was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. This is what I told God... "You allowed me to get pregnant with this child and now you're going to let me lose him? Why would You do this?" I could feel the anger coming back! With a vengance!!! Who do You think You are, giving me this child for this to happen to him? I knew I had to get this anger under control fast, I knew where it could take us and life without Christ is not life! I do not know how this story will end, except that whatever life throws at us, with Christ we will overcome! Caleb and I are finally bonding the way we should have when he was a baby, I see him changing more and more all the time. The fold out chair I sleep in at the hospital is usually nearly touching his bed and he will play with my hair the way the other boys did when they were little bitty, he holds my hand and I know that God is bringing good from what satan meant for evil! I had a couple of revalations in church this morning, the first one (during praise and worship)was the only thing in life that I can not survive without is Christ, the second, (during the alter service) this is not punishment (thank you Vicky for confirmation). Not for my sins and not for Caleb's. God didn't do this. God WILL get us through this!!! This morning when I went to the alter, God wrapped us in His arms and reminded me (again) that He is here, He is not leaving, we are not on our own, that I can trust Him with everything in my life if I will just let go... so I stood there this morning and said out loud " I trust You", over and over until I felt peace. God knows the future, I don't...He loves Caleb more than I do. I am a control freak, so this is sometimes very hard for me, to let go and just trust is tough. It shouldn't be, He has never let me down and I know, He never will! This morning during that alter time when God wrapped us in His arms, again, in His "infinite widsom" He used the people of our church to show His love. I am home. If you have been keeping up with this blog then you know what all has taken place from the time this started until now, if you're new here then go back and start at the beginning and stay tuned to see the awesome way God uses all of this to bring glory to the kingdom of God! Pastor Micah used one of my favorite scriptures this morning so I will close with it...

Isaiah 43:18,19 Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.