Today...

  Yesterday was a busy day for me, Caleb had a Dr.s appointment at 1:20 and I had to have my dad at his  Dr appointment at 3!  While getting ready it dawned on me that the date was the 21st which marked the 8 month anniversary of Scott's home going.  It's hard to believe it's been 8 months.  Last week mom and I went out and put new flowers on Scott's, Betty's and my grandparents graves and this week I will go to my great grandparents and put theirs on.  I never used to visit the graves, not until Scott's mama passed and it became important for me to make sure someone was looking after them and I go visit Scott a lot more than I thought I would.  I just figured since I know where he is that I wouldn't feel the need to go but I do.  I go talk to him, he was always pretty quiet, that hasn't changed! =)   
  My dad had to be back at the Dr.s office this morning for blood work and when he finished he stopped  by for a bit and we wound up going to Lowes.  Now I'm pretty sure I've said before that that was one of me and Scott's favorite dates, well one of mine anyway.  We would go to Lowes and then to the convenience store, Scott would get a cherry coke from the fountain (because he could add as little or as much as he wanted) and a bag of peanuts and I would get a 20 oz bottle of Coke, and sometimes he would get me a candy bar.  So today I took my dad on that same date (I even got a bag of peanuts), but after we left the store we went out to see Scott, daddy hadn't seen his headstone yet so we went to visit.  Then this afternoon I started mowing (ran out of day light), that was something else Scott enjoyed.  He said it was how he relaxed, I understand, it's just me and my thoughts.  I miss him...  Each day gets a little easier but there are so many times that I want to ask him a question or tell him something and can't.  I miss the Scott before ALS, but I also miss the Scott with ALS.  Before he was so serious, with he couldn't hide his smile, he had an awesome smile!
  I guess there isn't much new, Caleb had his 3 month check up last month and every thing looked good.  He'll go back in July and if that one is all clear then he will start going every 6 months, which is awesome!!!  In November he will be off treatment for 4 years.  It seems like yesterday most of the time.  He has grown so much!  He is 6 ft tall now!  He'll be 17 before I know it and then grown and out the door!  Where does the time go?

Nehemiah 8:10
Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” 

  

Life must go on...

   It's been 6 months since I last posted, Scott left this world 5 days after that last post.  When I wrote that post I had no idea he would go so quickly.  Scott believed for a miracle right up until he drew his last breath and in the nano second after that last breath, he received his miracle.  I tell everyone that he is playing golf with Jesus now.  His going home service was beautiful, he would have been shocked to see the outpouring of love and respect, he thought to little of himself.
   I expected for things to get easier as time passed but they have not.  I have never been more depressed in my life, getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a struggle, simple tasks are a struggle.  I have, for the last 6 months told everyone that asks that I am good, I am fine, I'm doing alright.  I lied.  Over the last 2 weeks I have begun to realize how bad it is, I went through this 15 yrs ago but I didn't recognize it for what it was then so I checked out of my life and eventually walked away from everyone and everything in my life.  This time I am recognizing it, I have checked out but not like before, I just spend most of my time sleeping now and only get up when absolutely necessary.  
   Last Sunday a friend asked me how I'm doing and I said I'm ok, but when I looked at her I saw something real in her eyes, she really was asking.  I thought about it all day and knew that I had to be honest, so I sent her a message and told her the truth and I've been doing that all week, so if you don't want the truth from me, don't ask!  
   Yesterday I had lunch with a friend then I went to church last night and today I actually got up and around and picked up a couple of applications ( I need a job) and had a nice visit with an old friend.  So I think just being honest about how bad it is may be helping?  
   I'm hoping that spring will help also, maybe playing in the dirt, planting seeds and watching them come to life?  I don't know, we'll see I guess.  I'm trying to be involved in the singles group at church again, we've just started really and it's so different than it was when I ran it 10 years ago.  I've really enjoyed the Wednesday night classes, we've been reading the book,  " Traveling Light" by Max Lucado.  It's a really good book, I recommend it for everyone.  
   Caleb is still getting checkups every 3 months and so far everything is all clear.  He is 3 yrs out of treatment.  I keep trying to get him to study for his permit but to no avail!  
   So now that I have confessed how deep I have sunk I also have to say that no matter what, no matter how sad, or depressed, or what ever, I still know where my strength comes from and that the only way to have joy, or any kind of happiness is through my relationship with Christ.  Deep inside I know that if I would just get up and put on some praise music I would feel better within minutes, I know this because I have done it so many times in the past, Jesus loves me, this I know!!!  
   I'll use one of my favorite verses here , one I've drawn on so, so, many times over the last few years, but it never gets old, but this time I am adding the few verses before it...

Lamentations 3:17-23 (NIV)

17 I have been deprived of peace;

    I have forgotten what prosperity is.

18 So I say, “My splendor is gone

    and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

20 I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

21 Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.