I expected for things to get easier as time passed but they have not. I have never been more depressed in my life, getting out of bed is a struggle, showering is a struggle, simple tasks are a struggle. I have, for the last 6 months told everyone that asks that I am good, I am fine, I'm doing alright. I lied. Over the last 2 weeks I have begun to realize how bad it is, I went through this 15 yrs ago but I didn't recognize it for what it was then so I checked out of my life and eventually walked away from everyone and everything in my life. This time I am recognizing it, I have checked out but not like before, I just spend most of my time sleeping now and only get up when absolutely necessary.
Last Sunday a friend asked me how I'm doing and I said I'm ok, but when I looked at her I saw something real in her eyes, she really was asking. I thought about it all day and knew that I had to be honest, so I sent her a message and told her the truth and I've been doing that all week, so if you don't want the truth from me, don't ask!
Yesterday I had lunch with a friend then I went to church last night and today I actually got up and around and picked up a couple of applications ( I need a job) and had a nice visit with an old friend. So I think just being honest about how bad it is may be helping?
I'm hoping that spring will help also, maybe playing in the dirt, planting seeds and watching them come to life? I don't know, we'll see I guess. I'm trying to be involved in the singles group at church again, we've just started really and it's so different than it was when I ran it 10 years ago. I've really enjoyed the Wednesday night classes, we've been reading the book, " Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. It's a really good book, I recommend it for everyone.
Caleb is still getting checkups every 3 months and so far everything is all clear. He is 3 yrs out of treatment. I keep trying to get him to study for his permit but to no avail!
So now that I have confessed how deep I have sunk I also have to say that no matter what, no matter how sad, or depressed, or what ever, I still know where my strength comes from and that the only way to have joy, or any kind of happiness is through my relationship with Christ. Deep inside I know that if I would just get up and put on some praise music I would feel better within minutes, I know this because I have done it so many times in the past, Jesus loves me, this I know!!!
I'll use one of my favorite verses here , one I've drawn on so, so, many times over the last few years, but it never gets old, but this time I am adding the few verses before it...
1 comment:
Cindy, I can share your feelings. I was 44 when my husband of 22 years died July 1, 2001. Life does go on. It isn't easy but it will become easier. Everybody's time frame is different. There were days that I didn't want to get out of bed. There were days that I literally would lie in the floor and wail. I didn't know the real meaning of that word until then. I moved on because of my children. Jer. 29:11 was one of the scri-ptures that I held onto. You have to do as much as you can. Stop when you have to and try again later. I'm now 55 and retired from teaching but can't find another job. My children are 31 and 29 and live in other states. My daughter has 4 year old twins who didn't get to experience their grandpa. There is absolutely nothing in my life right now that I expected life to be at this point, but I've made a new life. Expectations some-times make moving on harder. Keep putting that one foot infront of the other and asking God for help and you'll have an acceptable life, a new future and new goals.
I knew your mom in Ponca City. You were a young girl. I'm praying for you.
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