Melting down...

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:34
Have you ever felt that way? I have, a lot. It's been a rough year and there are 4 months left. I usually see the glass half full, lately it gets harder and harder to not see half empty. I hate to admit this, but I have spent a lot of time this year when I have not been on speaking terms with God. You would think that all those hours spent in the hospital watching Caleb sleep, playing worship music, looking for scriptures, surely I should have felt a oneness with God through all those circumstances; that would be the spiritually mature and obedient response. But I have not always feel that. I have, many times,felt totally abandoned. It is my own fault that I feel this way, He is there, waiting for me to come to Him, I just have this ridiculous need to be strong and handle it all on my own. I know that I am in desperate need of a complete melt down. I have cried many times through all of this, but I have not just let it all go until there is that break through that comes from opening the flood gates. I need to do that, it is time. I need to let God comfort me, so that I can be a comfort. I need to let Him build me back up, so that I can continue to be strong for Caleb.

Lord, thank You for the reminder that You are my Comforter. You know me. You know about my sometimes shallow faith and my doubts. Yet You still love me, in spite of myself. Thank You for still being there even when I abandon You. Thank You for loving me through my silence, for quietly waiting for me to come to You.