Definitions...

My mind has been swirling with thoughts lately, they flit in and out and I can't seem to get them to form coherent sentences. Finally, today on the way to church, some of them began to come together, and then during Pastor Micah's sermon this morning (very good by the way) more of them began to fall into place, so I will try to put all these jumbled words down.
Cancer: one of the meanings is: anything bad or harmful that spreads and destroys. I can tell you from experience that almost everyone has some form of cancer growing in them. What ? Yes, think about that meaning...and then think about this, hatred, bitterness, resentment, anger, envy... I personally have and to be perfectly honest, still am, dealing with a few of those things myself. They grow, fester, eat away and destroy so much of our lives, that is cancer. Please, examine yourself...is there something growing in you that is killing a part of you? Let it go! Lets run through that list...hatred- when my kids say "I hate you", I ask them if they want that person that they think they hate to burn in hell for all eternity, because that is hatred (they always adjust the words they use). There is someone in my life that I struggle with those feelings over, it makes me sick to have so much BAD feeling for this person. I take these feelings to God quite often, but believe me when I tell you, it is a cancer, if I don't stop it, it will over take me and destroy a big part of our lives. Bitterness- who among us has not had some bitterness in our lives? This also is something I am struggling with. Caleb could let bitterness over losing his leg destroy him, but he is choosing life! Resentment, anger- both of these I also understand...why my son? But then again, I wouldn't even wish that on that person that I fight hating! There are so many things that we allow to eat away at us, to destroy good things in our lives. We allow anger to turn into resentment, which turns to bitterness, which turns to hatred, and it destroys relationships and lives. Think about how many marriages, families there are that don't have to fall apart, if we would just let go of those feelings, let forgiveness come in and take over. So...what's eating at you? What do you need to let go of? We are never truly happy and at peace with ourselves when we hang onto these things, so go through your inner closets, take out the trash and burn it up! Take it the cross and leave it there! If Christ could hang on that cross and say " Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", then how can we hang onto the petty nonsense we hang onto? And yes, I understand that not all of it is petty, but in the long run, how much time and energy do you want to waste on self righteous indignation? Some of us have gone through some pretty horrific things, use those things to help others, to build others up, to bring life!!! Don't allow some form of cancer to destroy your life, your marriage, your children's lives, other relationships... Choose life!!! When we are angry, we take it out on those around us, all of those bad feelings I talked about...they build walls, please, please, break down those walls. I know this has not been about Caleb today, but then again, in a way it is. I could let all of those feelings I mentioned destroy our lives, those things would all rub off on the people around me and destroy them also... I fight one thing or another every day so that all of this will not destroy our lives, our family, our purpose...If these feelings destroy us, then what purpose has this served? God does have a plan...
Psalm 27:13 I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

By the way, my stepmom passed away on Friday, please keep my dad in your prayers. The service is tomorrow at 2pm. After its all over and everyone gets back to life, it will be rough for a while.

Cancer free...

Last night Caleb slept from 12:30 to almost 10 this morning! He took pain meds at 12:30 and went right sleep, finally he had a good nights sleep! Today he had a Dr.s appointment to look at his incision and that went very well, she said they got it all and it was dead. Yay!!! He still has 8 chemo treatments left but we are halfway through this thing. We go back to the oncologist next Tuesday for a check up and they will let us know when he starts chemo again. I have decided I will not let them start him back up until after the 4th, he missed Easter at home and that was so very hard on him, we will be home for the 4th!!! He is already begging for fireworks. He is quite the firecracker himself!

It has been an exhausting week. Most nights Caleb has woken up in pain or was in so much pain before going to sleep that I couldn't get to sleep. I don't like drugs, so this has been a struggle for me, how much, how often? I know that I have already said that music is the only thing that helps but I am saying it again. Now I will be painfully honest here, I haven't felt much like praising the Lord lately. As humans we tend to expect God to act according to what we want and when we want it, that isn't how it works. My spirit has been in turmoil, so that music that does so much for Caleb...quiets my soul too. It has probably saved my sanity this week.

2 Corinthians 4:8,9 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. And finally....

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 16Be joyful always; 17pray continually; 18give thanks in (not for)all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

untitled...

I know that I need to update this, but honestly, I am so mentally exhausted I can't think. We actually got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night, so that was awesome! Caleb took his meds at 11 and we slept until 5 and then he took more and slept until around 9. Not to bad!!!
He is sitting on the couch right now, every once in awhile he will cry out, meds at 11. A few minutes ago he was lying there with his "stump" as he calls it, it the air and he said to me " I have a stump mom, and I don't like it! I want it back.", what do say to that? I don't know that he was really looking for a response, just stating the facts. I want it back too! I have moments, walking behind him, or watching him to make sure he is balanced, that totally deflate me. I can't breathe, so how can he deal with this, if I can't? I have flash backs of kissing his little feet, tickling his feet, counting his toes when he was born, playing little piggy, telling him he still had baby feet and hands right up until a couple of years ago. And then I feel guilty for not being stronger, he seems to be taking this so much better than I.
Well, now he is looking at a fireworks flyer we got in the mail today...that should be great fun, NOT. The 4th is always a big deal at our house, but this year I am kinda scared, he can't throw them and run! Remember those Calgon commercials? Daniel gave me a coupon for a pedicure back on my birthday and I am thinking I need to go use it really soon!!! Well I need to get up and get busy, have a very blessed day. Sorry this has been so random.

Psalm 28:6,7 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Music...

Well, we had another rough night. Caleb asked for pills around 12:30 and still couldn't get to sleep so finally I made him lie down on the couch again and he asked me turn on the music so I did and off to sleep he went. Around 6:30 he moved back to his room and asked me to bring all of his things (pillows, blanket,big red dog...) and put the music back on.....

That was this morning...for the last couple of hours, Caleb has been in his room cleaning. Yes, cleaning, he has gone through all of his drawers and gotten rid of a bunch of stuff, and come to realize that we spend a lot of money on him and he has never truly appreciated it. Wow! Sometimes I wonder if this child will ever cease to amaze me? He is growing up so quickly now. Normally your children take years to mature mentally and emotionally, Caleb is doing it in a matter of months, so it is so much more obvious. He called me in to help him and as we were going through some of his things we came across a box that held a cross necklace that had been given to him, it was empty so I asked where it was, and he told me he had given it to his friend that had headed up that car wash in his honor, and he wanted to know if that was ok... It is ok with me, she is a very special young lady, but it brought back memories of his oldest brother that made me smile. I have been blessed beyond my comprehension with sons. Each one of them is so special, so unique. There isn't anything they can't do and yes, I'm sure they would all be able to tell you something they can't do...but in my eyes, they can do anything!!! To this day, when they really smile it takes my breath away...When they hurt, it takes my breath way...each one of them, not just Caleb. Caleb is getting so much attention and love right now, the other three are getting lost in the shuffle. When you pray for Caleb, please remember his brothers also... we are all a part of each other, whether we realize it or not. We try to think that all of this only affects Caleb, because letting it affect us might make us seem selfish or inconsiderate, not so, any kind of loss touches every life involved. Sorry, I tend to get lost in my thoughts....I guess thats all for now, I can hear Caleb in his room, playing his video games, Daniel and Jacob are on their way back from Woodward, Daniel had to deliver something for work, Scott is out golfing (someome should invite him to go sometime), and I need to call Ben and Aimee and make some plans for tomorrow. Life goes on, doesn't it?

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Today...

Many times I have had people ask "what can I do", I finally have something I need help with. Caleb is having a hard time going to sleep at night, he has phantom pains that seem to be worse at night. Last night I finally made him turn off the tv and I put some music on and it worked. So, what do I need? Music for Caleb. He needs his own cd's to choose from. So, on behalf of Caleb, I am asking for music. Something young people would like but not little kid stuff, after all, he will be a teenager this year ( rolling my eyes profusely). Oh, the music needs to be christian artists, that is very important! Other than that, he seems to be doing well, this morning he was mouthing off about his "stump" and said to me " don't sit on it" and I asked why would I sit on it and he said back to me " some people sit on stumps", so he is still making jokes about it. He has a Dr.s appt. next Thursday, so I will have more information on what is next after that. I will add more later, right now Caleb wants on the computer.

He wants a puppy so he wanted to look for one on the computer. He has had a lot of pain today and the pain pills don't seem to do the job. Nothing does. There is nothing I can do for him to make it better. He needs to be able to rest, to sleep through the night, uninterrupted. I think we all need to be able to rest for awhile.

Proverbs 3:24When you lie down, you will not be afraid; Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet.

One week ago today...

Wow...I didn't realize until this moment that it had been one week today. He has done really well today, he went 11 hours without pain meds today! I made him take them around 8:30 and he wanted to know why but then probably 15 minutes later he started hurting so they kicked in just in time. He is in his room taking it easy now. I feel discombobulated tonight for some reason...can't seem to put my finger on what it is, so I will leave it at this for now.
Psalm 16:8
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Isaiah 41:13
13 For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Graphic pictures below

I want you to be prepared, there are some pretty graphic pictures of Caleb's leg below, so take a deep breath and decide whether you really want to see these. Caleb has seen them and actually asked me take pictures of his leg so he could see what it looks like. On Saturday during his therapy he asked the nurse to let go of him so he could do it on his own. My heart swells with pride and breaks for his loss all in one beat. He is an amazing young man, but please continue to hold him up in prayer! There are sure to be many moments that he will need the prayers banked for him!!!

Pictures...

Caleb said it was ok to put these on so I thought what better way to update than this...

Untitled..

I have a lot on my mind today but I will start with Caleb. We got home yesterday around 1:30 and the drive home was uneventful. When we left the hospital Caleb put himself in the front seat without help or pain, so that was great! Later, when mom got here to the house we were going to go to Wal-mart to fill prescriptions and Caleb decided he wanted to go, he said he has to live with it so he might as well get used to it. So, we went to Wal-Mart. Caleb drove one of the scooters through the whole store ,until the battery died, but we were ready to leave then anyway so he used his crutches the rest of the way. And yes, he is using crutches already. He is an amazing young man. He is so grown up now in so many ways, and yet, when he was in the most pain in the hospital he cried out, "it hurts mommy!". I can not begin to express what it does to you as a mother to see your child in that kind of pain and know that there is nothing you can do to help them, his little fingers would curl up and you could tell he just wanted to rip something to shreds but he would put his little hand on my face and rub my cheek.
He was so active yesterday that by 10 last night he was starting to hurt pretty bad, but he asked for his pain meds and he did his best to stay calm and use some of the things he's been taught to help ease the pain. He slept good through the night, I woke him at 2:30 and gave him meds because the stupid insurance wouldn't pay for the long lasting pain meds unless we can prove he needs it, I cried right there in the pharmacy. Too bad they weren't in the hospital with us! He is still sleeping right now, they will come to change his bandage between 1:30 and 2 so I will try not to give him pain meds until 12:30 so they will kick in right before they mess with his leg. Like I said, Caleb is an amazing young man and stronger than I can fathom.

I was trying to catch up on all of my "duties" yesterday and I sat down to fold socks. Now folding socks has NEVER been a favorite chore, I have four sons, you can imagine how many socks I've folded over the years. Yesterday that chore became a nightmare. Caleb doesn't need pairs, do I keep folding them or just put his in his drawer unfolded? There are just these moments that slam me right in gut, and I am overcome with grief and loss. How can this 12 year old child deal with this when I can't? One of my devotions today was on depression, I am there, I know this because I have been here before. Last time I did not recognize it, this time I know what it is. I like things to be in order, I need order, I am one of those people that organize all the game pieces when they put away a game. There are NO unmated socks in the drawers in this house! I don't want people to come to my house right now because there is chaos. I sit and do nothing...Twelve years ago when this hit me, I started going to the bar and singing karoake, this time, I play Farmtown. I can escape there. I did not know until this morning that I was doing this, but that one devotional took me back to that place and now I see what I am doing. So today I will take steps to keep this from spiraling out of control. I think we've lost enough already. So, I am straightening up my spine, standing firm and trudging on! With God all things are possible!!! We will get through this, and by the way, I folded the socks. In a few weeks Caleb will have another foot to put in those socks and he will need pairs. And yes, I am crying, and it is ok.

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.

Caleb's victory

Caleb wanted me to tell you all of his "glorious victory of walking by myself". He got up to relieve himself and decided to walk around the room all on his own. So...Yah Caleb!!! Go Caleb, Go Caleb...

Perseverance...

Well, Caleb did walk down the hall yesterday. He went way further than she thought he would. He got up several times yesterday and then through the night to go to the restroom. Scott was here last night for a while and watched a movie with us. Last night was pretty calm, so that was nice. Jessie brought chicken from KFC for him today (and yesterday) so he ate 4 chicken legs today, they have the I V disconnected for now, so he is wire free unless he quits eating and drinking again. PT came and changed his bandage again and made him try and raise his leg up with his muscles instead of his hands. Then they had him walk down the hall again, but he went further today than yesterday. He laid back down, watched some tv, ate some gummies that Miss Robin brought yesterday and now he is snoozing away. He is an amazing young man. I chose this scripture for today...


A time to mourn, and a time to dance.— Ecclesiastes 3:4



The time for mourning is over, now we will start learning to dance!

One day at a time sweet Jesus...

We used to sing this song:

I'm only human,I'm just a man
Help me believe in what I can be and all that I am
Show me the stairway I have to climb
Lord for my sake help me to take one day at a time
Cho... One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from You
Just give me the strength to do ev'ryday what I have to do
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus, And tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today show me the way One day at a time
Do you remember when you walked among men
Well Jesus you know it's worse now than then
Pushin' and shovin' crowding my mind
So for my sake, teach me to take one day at a time

That song came to mind today so I looked it up and the words are just perfect for Caleb.

Early this morning they took out the epidural and not long after, the pain overtook him. He was in excruciating pain for a very long time. Eventually the drugs kicked in and they got it under control. As horrible as it was some very good things came out of it... Caleb finally cried out to God, asked why and finally, showed some emotion. Kara has been writing on her blog about raw emotion...Caleb let go of some very raw emotion today. He screamed, and cried and it was the most horrific thing I have ever endured in my life, so I can't begin to imagine how horrifying it must be for a child. Once the pain was under control he slept for awhile and then they came in and redressed his bandage, got him to stand up and walk over to the chair with a walker. He sat in the chair for a little over an hour and then he had to go back to bed so he could sleep for a while before they come back at 2:45 and get him up again and walk him down the hall. Jessie tried to help him move back to the bed and he said to her "I can do it". This independence of his is finally a very good thing. We have all decided, Caleb is our hero!!! When the Israelites were in the desert and Caleb said we can do this...those giants weren't nearly as big as the giants my Caleb is fighting... He will overcome!
This scripture will become our family motto...

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

No words...

I have had a really hard time getting on here to do this...What do I say? There are so many...raw emotions, as my friend Kara would say. I will start with the basics...Yesterday morning started out with Caleb coming into the dining room and asking if I thought he would get his sock back, I turned and said, what did you say and he asked again with a huge grin on his face, if I thought they would give him his sock back. I told him he is an awesome young man and completely fell apart and he hugged me and rubbed my back a little bit while I cried my eyes out. When did he become so grown up?
Now, after Caleb woke up after the surgery he was in a very good mood, at least that is what he showed us. He joked around about wiggling his toes and many other things, he thought that it was quite amusing to pass gas with everyone in the room, he was in very good spirits. However, later he was awake most of the night and eventually had to have some morphine, but honestly it was nothing compared to what he went through today. He woke up today in excruciating pain and literally sobbed in front of everyone, he was all but yelling it hurt so bad. They finally got it under control. Brian and Alicia were here for a good portion of this and after Caleb had calmed down and the pain had subsided I could tell he wanted to say something so I bent over and asked him what it was and very quietly he said "I hope they never have to go through this". He was speaking of Brian and Alicia's children. He is learning compassion, to think of others. His heart is growing. He is so strong, and I am so proud of him.
He has had several visitors since yesterday morning... Pastor Doug came up to see him before his surgery, then right before they moved him into a room Pastor Micah and Karen came in, and then they came back again later, needless to say my mom and sister were here, papa has been in and out, my dad and stepmom were here yesterday evening and daddy was back tonight, Daniel and Jacob came up yesterday and Scott was here yesterday, Pastor Richard and Casey were here today and Miss Heather, Miss Pat and the girls, (Hannah and Olivia) were here twice today, Brian and Alicia and their kids (Izzy and Ian) were here, my uncle Joe and Kristy their grandson were here this evening, I think that is all, but if I have missed someone please forgive me, I am not thinking very clearly right now.
Now then, to ALL of you that are calling and leaving me comments on here and on facebook...
Thank you!!! From the very depths of my innermost being, I thank you!! You will never know how many times I have seen a comment that has picked me up in a very weak moment. To know that there are so many people out there pulling for my child is so very...there is no word, heartwarming, touching, encouraging, nothing is deep enough. There just are not words to express how much I appreciate all of you. We love you, you have become a part of our lives, our family...thank you.

I pulled this out of the achives...
Psalm 90:2 and 4 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.
Thoughts on today's verse: So many things about our lives are uncertain. This one thing, however, is sure: no matter where, when, or how long, God will be there and will be with us.Joshua 1:5,6 Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous.

One from today

Finding Treasures in Trials... "Almost every trial increases our love for others. So even if we don't see any other good, we know of at least one--more love."

devotions...

When I finally got to read my devotions for the day this was the first one, very interesting how that works...
When Faith Struggles
Susanne Scheppmann

"Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4 (NIV)
Devotion:
My faith struggles. It occurs most often when something happens in life that is beyond my understanding. My faith plunges to below sea level depth when I witness a natural disaster, a family tragedy, or another Christian's failure. In my humanness, I cannot comprehend the "Why?"

Regardless of my stinkin' thinkin,' God is faithful. Scripture states the following three truths explicitly throughout the Bible.

God is faithful.
"He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is!" (Deuteronomy 32:4, NLT)
God always works in our best interests.
For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome. (Jeremiah 29:11, AMP)
God's ways are beyond our understanding.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:8-9, NIV).
So what do I do when my faith plummets? I need to look to the truth that is deeper than my human reality. I need to acknowledge this fact - my faith can only grow when I have to trust God without the benefit of understanding every aspect of His divine will. I also need to realize that faith fluctuates and I am not the only one that struggles with the issue of doubt.

A biblical example of a person who struggled with his faith is the disciple Thomas. Thomas spent three years with Jesus. He watched the Lord perform miracles. But still his faith floundered. Jesus never gave up on Thomas but kept encouraging him to believe and to trust.

So when my faith struggles to stay afloat in a sea of doubt, I will look to Jesus for support. I will readily admit that I do not understand the why of the situation. And I will accept that it is part of the process of growing my faith. I will hold onto our Key Verse as a faith preserver. "Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:3-4, NIV).

If your faith is struggling today, join me in the journey of faith. We can walk in encouragement together knowing we are persevering and maturing and that one day our faith will be complete, not lacking in any area.

Dear Lord, at times my faith struggles. Help me to hold onto the truth of your Word. Allow me to remember my faith is in a state of growth in every circumstance. Grant me strength in my faith so that it may persevere and mature. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I am exhausted so I will catch up on all the details of the day tomorrow. May we all have a peaceful sleep tonight.

In a room now...

Caleb is in his room now, it is room 563 at Mercy hospital in OKC. More later...

It is finished

He will be in recovery for around an hour, then they will come get us.

To new beginnings...

They have started. They gave him an epidural and they called to say he did great through that. Will update as we go.

turn on your sound and listen to the music...

In less than 12 hours they will amputate my babies leg. Twenty one years ago I had a miscarriage and I thought I had never felt such pain...I was wrong, this is worse. I started to say nothing I have ever gone through has been this bad, but for a moment, when Daniel was born...he was dying, and I wanted to die too. That was the most agonizing thing ever, until this. A part of my child will die tomorrow...he will never be physically whole again. But what makes us whole? Is it our limbs? Our organs? A mate? A career? No, you will never be whole until you have that soul connection with Christ. I hurt right now, this is agonizing, I can not absorb what is about to happen, but to know that God almighty has endured worse, gives me some bit of comfort. He had to watch while His son was crucified so you and I might be saved. Are you?
Caleb wants the reference of this scripture printed on his new leg...
John 3 :16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. KJV

Habakkuk 3:19The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.

Psalm 90:2 and 4 Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.

Thoughts on today's verse
So many things about our lives are uncertain. This one thing, however, is sure: no matter where, when, or how long, God will be there and will be with us.

Joshua 1:5,6 Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous.

Update...

Well, we changed the surgery date to Wednesday. I thought we could use a couple of extra days to absorb this. When we left home this morning I was still trying to decide if this was the right decision. I needed peace about this and to be perfectly honest I did not want to talk to God about it, I was just a little upset with Him. So... we got to the city and they showed us a little bit of the place and then they gave Caleb a t-shirt, water bottle, we got a bag, some pens and other stuff and then we met with a technician, by the way this place is awesome. She showed us some prosthetics, showed us how they work and then she brought in Josh. Josh works there, he is 21 and is an amputee. Josh had a form of bone cancer when he was a child and had his leg amputated at age 8. He is awesome. Caleb really enjoyed talking to him, he listened better than he has through this entire ordeal. As we sat there listening to Josh I felt so much better about this. When we were through talking they showed us the rest of the place, where they make the prosthetics, all the different stages of it and where he will have it fitted and then learn to use it. And yes, they really do make them right there. As we were touring I took a minute to thank Josh for talking to Caleb, he answered some questions I had and then, low and behold, I had peace. He even gave me his cell number for Caleb in case he has questions and wants to talk to him. He is an awesome young man! If he were just a little bit older, I know a couple of young ladies... :)
Caleb told me on the way home what he wants on his prosthetic, )they can put pictures, t-shirts, tatoos on them)... he has a poster in his room of the cross, with the purple robe over the arms of the cross and a crown of thorns over the top, with John 3:16 under the cross, he wants that put on his new leg. So Caleb is getting a tatoo...lol... I'm still not ok with this, I still want a miracle, but somewhere deep inside I think I knew this day would come. I keep standing on the story of Caleb in the Bible...he knew with God on his side he could do anything! Caleb knows this will not be easy but he is determined to make it work, and the fact that he asked for the cross on his leg let's me know that just like Caleb from the Bible, my Caleb "is of a different spirit and will follow God wholeheartedly".
Psalm 33:22 May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Still no words...

Right this minute, I don't have words. I feel...ya know what...I don't want to feel right now. My baby is losing half of his leg. I don't know how to feel. Caleb cried in front of someone other than me today, that is a break through. The Dr. gave us the options and gave us her opinion and I trust her, they say she is one of the best. Some will say I should get a second opinion, I don't feel that it is necessary to do that. We go tomorrow to look at prosthetics, amazing that one of the leading places in the world is in OKC. I left the decision up to Caleb, he asked what I want him to do and I told him he had to decide, it is his leg. He said he will probably lose it in the long run anyway so he might as well go ahead and get it over with. I have an amazingly strong child. On the way home today he said "no 12 year old should have to go through this"... I told him no one should have to go through this. As far as I know surgery is still scheduled for Monday morning, if that changes I will post as soon as possible. Please, keep us in your prayers, we need it. I think the scripture and devotion below were perfect for this day, if you haven't read it then please do. God still has a plan!!!

Why...

They want to amputate. I have no words right this moment so here is one of my devotions from today.

Jun 4 - Strength Made Perfect
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."(2 Corinthians 12:9)
Dear Cindy,When you run into an impossible situation, a situation you simply don't have the strength or the ability to handle, are you often tempted to simply give up and accept defeat? Don't! Instead shout, "Glory!" because the Word says God's strength is about to be made perfect in you. The word translated "strength" in this scripture is dunamis. It means "God's miracle-working power." Just think about that. When your human strength ends, God has promised that His miraculous power will bring you through! If you'll look in Acts 14, you can see that promise in action. The apostle Paul was stoned by a group of Jews, taken out of the city and left for dead. Paul's human strength had ended. He was absolutely powerless. But the disciples gathered around him and prayed, and the Lord raised him up and he went on his way. In other words, when Paul didn't have enough human strength to overcome, God's miracle-working power was sufficient for him. It enabled him to be an overcomer in spite of his weakness! So, if you are facing a crisis today. If you're sick and medicine has failed you. If your finances are out of control. If your family is falling apart. If bad habits have you hopelessly bound. If you've done absolutely all you know to do and you still haven't gotten results. Then rejoice! For when human strength ends, the power of God excels! Only believe! God's grace is sufficient for you!

songs...

I am setting here waiting for my sister to get here so we can leave and the song "Its a new season" just came to mind. It is a new season for us. This is something we've never been through in any fashion, we need a fresh annointing. Here are the lyrics.

It's a new season, it's a new day.A fresh anointing is flowing my way.It's a season of power and prosperity.It's a new season coming to me.Verse 1The devil's time is up no longer can he bother me,'cause the Creator of the universe He fathers me,and it's transferable my children's children shall be free;it's a new season (it's a new season).If you don't know by now, you need to know it's jubilee,where debts are cancel and your children walk in victory.It's so available to you right now just taste and see,it's a new season (it's a new season).ChorusVerse 2The new millennium presents a new horizon,and no greater time for us to make a choice and take a stand. All that we need, is resting in His hands;it's a new season (it's a new season). All that was stolen is returned to you a hundred fold,Tried in the fire but you're coming out gold.Cling to His hand,yes, to every promise take a hold;it's a new season (it's a new season)ChorusEndingIt's a new season coming to me.

Will write more later this evening.

Melancholy...

Caleb's blood counts are down so tomorrow morning we will go to the hospital for a blood transfusion, then we will go over to the surgeons office to go over the details of the surgery that she will perform on Monday. I can't seem to put my finger on the mood I'm in. I am tired, I don't want to do anything unless it is absolutely necessary. I don't think that I am depressed, I am not angry, I'm just tired. I have a list of things that need to be taken care of , should have already been taken care of... I have many lists but I whittle them down to immediate things to be taken care of, things that need to be taken care of sometime soon and long range. I can't even seem to be able to do the today list, not even the things at home.

That was this morning. I got a call and had to run an errand for Daniel so it interrupted my writing. I got in the car to do this errand and the stereo was playing a WOW praise cd and it completely turned me around...WOW!!! I got so much done today, I still find it hard to imagine my day started like that. Well now it is bed time so I will close for now. I will update tomorrow evening to let everyone know the details. I don't have a scripture to close with tonight, so just know that Jesus loves you so very, very much!!!