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I have a lot on my mind today but I will start with Caleb. We got home yesterday around 1:30 and the drive home was uneventful. When we left the hospital Caleb put himself in the front seat without help or pain, so that was great! Later, when mom got here to the house we were going to go to Wal-mart to fill prescriptions and Caleb decided he wanted to go, he said he has to live with it so he might as well get used to it. So, we went to Wal-Mart. Caleb drove one of the scooters through the whole store ,until the battery died, but we were ready to leave then anyway so he used his crutches the rest of the way. And yes, he is using crutches already. He is an amazing young man. He is so grown up now in so many ways, and yet, when he was in the most pain in the hospital he cried out, "it hurts mommy!". I can not begin to express what it does to you as a mother to see your child in that kind of pain and know that there is nothing you can do to help them, his little fingers would curl up and you could tell he just wanted to rip something to shreds but he would put his little hand on my face and rub my cheek.
He was so active yesterday that by 10 last night he was starting to hurt pretty bad, but he asked for his pain meds and he did his best to stay calm and use some of the things he's been taught to help ease the pain. He slept good through the night, I woke him at 2:30 and gave him meds because the stupid insurance wouldn't pay for the long lasting pain meds unless we can prove he needs it, I cried right there in the pharmacy. Too bad they weren't in the hospital with us! He is still sleeping right now, they will come to change his bandage between 1:30 and 2 so I will try not to give him pain meds until 12:30 so they will kick in right before they mess with his leg. Like I said, Caleb is an amazing young man and stronger than I can fathom.

I was trying to catch up on all of my "duties" yesterday and I sat down to fold socks. Now folding socks has NEVER been a favorite chore, I have four sons, you can imagine how many socks I've folded over the years. Yesterday that chore became a nightmare. Caleb doesn't need pairs, do I keep folding them or just put his in his drawer unfolded? There are just these moments that slam me right in gut, and I am overcome with grief and loss. How can this 12 year old child deal with this when I can't? One of my devotions today was on depression, I am there, I know this because I have been here before. Last time I did not recognize it, this time I know what it is. I like things to be in order, I need order, I am one of those people that organize all the game pieces when they put away a game. There are NO unmated socks in the drawers in this house! I don't want people to come to my house right now because there is chaos. I sit and do nothing...Twelve years ago when this hit me, I started going to the bar and singing karoake, this time, I play Farmtown. I can escape there. I did not know until this morning that I was doing this, but that one devotional took me back to that place and now I see what I am doing. So today I will take steps to keep this from spiraling out of control. I think we've lost enough already. So, I am straightening up my spine, standing firm and trudging on! With God all things are possible!!! We will get through this, and by the way, I folded the socks. In a few weeks Caleb will have another foot to put in those socks and he will need pairs. And yes, I am crying, and it is ok.

Psalm 126:5 Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.