Tests

Sorry it has taken me so long to get to this but it has been and continues to be a crazy week. Caleb and I went to the city to meet with Dr. Meyer to go over all of Caleb's tests and they were all clear!  He will have to go back every 3 months for check ups and chest x-rays and every six weeks to have his port flushed, at least until they decide to take it out. They have a bell that the patients ring when they finish their treatments so Caleb got to ring the bell and they took pictures and sang to him. Here are the words to the song...

"Our patient has the cutest smile, Our patient has the sweetest heart, Oh, we Love to see you everyday, but now's the time we get to say, Pack up your bags, get out the door, You don't get chemo anymore!"  He even blushed a little bit. He is doing great, he hasn't had a nose bleed in almost 2 weeks, so that means his blood counts are coming up.  He doesn't have to do blood draws for cbc's anymore, he is really happy about that!  He has finished school for now, he will go back to school after Christmas break, he is very happy about this.  He is, for the most part, caught up with the rest of his class, so he should be fine when he goes back, at least once he has gotten used to getting up early that is.  I will be eternally grateful to Miss Heather for keeping him on task and pushing him through, we could not have done it without her, she is an angel!  He wasted so much of her time and yet she kept showing up, thank you Heather!!

I have been keeping up with a couple of boys that both had their leg amputated and I am coming to the realization that Caleb has been blessed beyond measure!  Now, I will say, both of these boys have osteosarcoma, not ewing sarcoma, so they are on a different treatment plan and that probably has a great deal to do with how they are affected physically, and they are 4 and 5 years younger than Caleb so there also is a major difference.  Through this entire battle Caleb only threw up one time and I know this was because he had eaten nothing the entire day and took bactrim on an empty stomach, with water. He would get nauseous but but not horribly so.  After a couple of battles with mouth sores he never got them again and the phantom pain that he had for about 3 or 4 weeks following his surgery seems to have vanished.  He still makes jokes about his leg, like today he wanted me to get something for him and I said "no you can do it yourself" and he came back with, " no, I can't, my leg is broke" and this morning he came in the room and said to me "mom, I think I forgot how to wash my hair!", how he keeps this sense of humor and good attitude is absolutely amazing to me! He still won't wear the prosthesis though unless I just pitch a fit and force him.  He is more confident on the crutches, he has better balance with the crutches and isn't afraid of falling with them.  I keep trying to tell him that if he'll just wear the leg and get used to it that he will get around just fine, I guess he'll do it in his own time. If I were him I would get tired of everyone asking why I am wearing shorts, he won't wear pants unless he is wearing the leg. I guess  it will work itself out. 
I have decided that I am going to make some changes to the blog.  We started the blog to keep everyone updated on Caleb, I kept that up but it also became something of therapist for me, and now I want to stop focusing on the cancer and start focusing on life. Caleb does not have cancer anymore! They cut off the part of his body that had it, it is dead and gone and I want, we all want to look forward, get on to the business of living! So... I am going to start writing more about our family, all of our lives, not just Caleb and I. We have survived this living hell and we are better and stronger for it. We are and have been blessed beyond measure, God has taken care of us above and beyond anything we could have imagined.  Rick Scott Construction Co. came in redid our bathroom so that it was more accessible for Caleb and Mock flooring donated new vinyl flooring for the bathroom. Rick Scott Const. also took care of a problem with the living room floor so that Caleb didn't trip over the thresh hold. Anderson Carpet provided new carpet and installation after the floor was levelled off, they also donated new flooring for the kitchen, I'll get to that in a minute. Darrell Mendiola, who owns Watermark drywall and painting, came in and tore out the living room ceiling, (because we had leaks around the chimney and the ceiling was ruined) and replaced those nasty tiles with sheet rock, and painted, not only the ceiling but they painted the walls also and Lee Alderetti did new crown moulding in the living room. It looks like a brand new room!  Now for the the floor between the kitchen and dining room, it is not level. There were 5 layers of flooring plus a 1/4 inch masonite board in between all of that, so needless to say the kitchen floor was slightly higher than the dining room floor and with the thresh hold it was a hazard for Caleb. Soooo, this week, I decided that since chemo is over and we won't be running back and forth so much it was the perfect time to do this one last project. I mean how hard could it be, right? Riiight! Oh my goodness!!!  I thought, go in there, pull up those old layers, lay down another one and be done...HA!  Once we started ripping and finding wet stuff I got a little concerned and the smell was bad, I sneezed until today when we finally got it all out of here. We have ripped out the floor down to the diagonal boards (whatever that is called) and the lower cabinets, so we could see what was under there and how bad it was, there is a bit of mold and oddly enough there is mold on the wall in a spot where there is no water!  We would never have seen the mold if we hadn't started tearing this stuff out, so now it is gone and the real work begins.  Tomorrow we are skipping church so we can try to get the floor back in and hopefully next week we will get bottom cabinets back in. Then the inside of the house will be finished and safe for Caleb, both environmentally and accessibility wise. We are STILL waiting on the roofers, 3 months later.  We had the chimney fixed before Darrell did the ceiling so the leaks are taken care of for now.  It is like being in a whole new house. Now, the bathroom and living room cost us nothing, the kitchen repairs are coming out of the Caleb fest money. Like I said, God has been so very good to us.  He has taken care of us through this entire year in ways we never dreamed of.  He not only supplied our needs but a lot of our wants. When Aimee started this blog, I didn't like the name of it, but it has grown on me, through Christ, I am strong! We did this! We got through this! With God ALL things are possible. Tonight I will leave you with one of my very favorite scriptures, I am standing on it for the future!!!
Isaiah 61:1-3

The Year of the LORD's Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

Monday...

We went to church yesterday for the first time in a couple of months, Scott and Jacob have been going without Caleb and I.  I didn't want to have Caleb out around so many people, too many germs.  It was a good service for Caleb to hear.  Today at 1:30 Caleb has cbc's and then physical therapy at 2, I am sure getting him up and around will not be an easy task, he hates getting up, he's great once you get him going though.  He still needs to let me know what to do about his wish from the make a wish foundation, he said " mom, I have everything I want, I don't know what to wish for".  He really is a good kid.  Well, I need to get him up and around, he has reading to do that should have been done over the weekend.  Happy Monday!

Lord, thank You for all the invisible helpers who fill Your world with kindness.


Psalm 62:8

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

Time set...

The Dr.s office called yesterday afternoon, Caleb's appointment has been set for Wed. at 10:00 A.M. Monday he will have cbc's done again, I know that his counts are still low right now because he has those dark circles under his eyes, but he hasn't had a nose bleed in several days. After the cbc's are done then he has physical therapy again and then Heather comes for school work and then nothing until his appointment on Wednesday and we will read his book on the way to OKC and on the way home. Heather was very happy with him yesterday because he actually had a lot of work done, of course on Wednesday he had nothing done so he had a lot to make up for. He rated a hug! The look on his face was priceless! Thirteen year old boys are not crazy about hugs. Well I need to get off of here and get some errands ran, have a very blessed weekend!

Psalm 28:6,7 Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Bad weather...

We didn't go to the city today due to bad weather. I called to reschedule but they haven't gotten back to me yet on a new date, as soon as they do I will post it. I guess I totally forgot to update after his scans so I will do that now. Caleb and I went to the city last Thursday for his bone scan and a ct scan, while we were there he had cbc's done and his counts were really low so after the scans he had to stay and get platelets and a blood transfusion. We left the hospital around 10:30 pm so it made for a VERY long day for both of us. I can tell that his counts are coming up, he is more active and he is eating and drinking a lot more. He did sleep until 3:40 this afternoon though, which lets me know that those counts still aren't where they need to be. He is still going to physical therapy twice a week, but he still won't wear the leg on a regular basis. He is getting cbc's done tomorrow morning here in town and hopefully I will hear from the Dr.s office tomorrow. Well I think I am going to try to get some sleep now, I will update as soon as I know anything.
Isaiah 61:3 and to provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.

Tomorrow

I will update the blog tomorrow evening when we get back from the city. We meet with the Dr. tomorrow to go over all of Caleb's scans and see what is next. Please keep us in your prayers the weather is supposed to be nasty.

Pictures

The top 2 pics are leaving Caleb's room for the last time. This is Caleb's favorite PA, Erin, helping cut the cookie she brought for him ( she got a hug finally). Then there is Caleb in his bed on his last day, smiling!!! That is the poster that his favorite nurse, Jessica, made for him and the pizza box top that she wrote on, before she brought it to him. When he read the poster he looked up and grinned at me and said " I am loved". He has no idea how much. They should warn people before they have kids that because you love them sooo much you will have great pain also. He is a beautiful little man child.

The light at the end...

Well we are home from Caleb's last chemo. We are very happy and excited, Caleb has not shown much emotion about this until we were in the hospital doing the last treatment and the closer it came to the end the more animated he became. He gave hugs, made certificates, talked, joked and played with the nurses and Erin his favorite PA. He will go in on the 3rd and have his scans done and then on the 8th we have an appointment with his Dr. to go over everything. We are believing and thanking God in advance for clear scans. He has an appointment tomorrow at Scott Sabolich but I think I may put it off until after Thanksgiving. He wants to go to school so I think I may let him do that tomorrow. My house is a complete wreck, we are in the process of replacing the living room ceiling and everything is torn apart. I have to catch up on everything from being gone for 5 days so I think I'll try to do that over the next 2 or 3 days and letting him go to school tomorrow will help us both I think. Tomorrow marks the 9 month anniversary of Caleb's first chemo treatment, so it is only fitting that today was the last day. He is...there just are not any words. I am so, so, very...grateful doesn't do it justice. I don't think there is a word for what I feel inside, but God knows, He knows. I am excited for the future, I am ready to get on with life, to get out of this limbo that we have been living in, and so is Caleb. He is smiling, and hugging, interacting in a way that he NEVER has before. Jacob and Scott need some attention from me, we need some overdue family time. I have grandkids that barely know me, they are precious and I would like to spend some time with them. We have been given a second chance and I am praying that I don't ever take it for granted again.

The pictures are of Caleb's last room, the view from his room and him kickin back. I will add more from this last visit tomorrow. Right now, I am going to bed I think.

1 Thess. 5:16-18 Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

counting down...

We are on day 4 of 5! We don't know yet what time we get out of here tomorrow but I am fairly certain it will be tomorrow afternoon. Caleb has slept most of the time but when he is awake he is actually talking and joking with the nurses. I think it is finally sinking in that this is the last treatment. Pastor Doug came up yesterday and gave Caleb a brand new, still in the box, X-Box 360! That made for a very happy little boy! Excuse me, young man (rolling eyes profusely). He gave one of his football's and a hat to Pastor Doug. Pastor Doug knows someone that is going through the cancer fight and they are having a benefit auction to help, so we told him to donate those things. I hope it helps. I hate cancer! Until this happened I was oblivious as to how many people have it, or have had it. I didn't have a clue about how many children suffer from it. You get an education real quick and you don't even have to try, everyone you talk to knows someone or is someone that has it or did have it at one time. I could go on a tirade about why there is no cure, but it won't help. The next time you want to donate to a worthy cause, donate to childhood cancer research, they need it! Kids like my Caleb need your help!!! Ok, I'll try to get a little more upbeat... One of Caleb's nurses brought him pizza Thursday night and a movie to watch, he in turn gave her the much coveted "your my favorite nurse" award by hugging her neck! Yes, HE held out his arms for a hug not the other way around!!! She also made him a poster and when he finally noticed it and looked it over really good, he looked up at me and grinned his sweet little boy grin and said " people love me". Oh, I love these nurses! They have been so good to him, there are no words, our cup runneth over.
Luke 6:38 Give and it will be given to you. a good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running, over will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Home stretch...

Well folks, we are on the home stretch. We came in yesterday morning for Caleb's last chemo, they did a GFR scan and an echo before they started his chemo so there are 2 tests out of the way already. We will be here until Sunday and then we go home! He will have to come back for more scans and then we start bringing him back every three months for checkups and he will still have to come to the city to see his prosthesis tech. He asked to go to school on Monday but he has an appointment with Kyle, his prosthesis tech. to see how he is doing with his leg, so I told him if he will start wearing the leg then he can go to school on Tuesday, he complied. He is sleeping right now and has been since yesterday evening, he had to have nausea medicine and that always knocks him out for a good long time. Bob Stoops came in again today and yes, Caleb was sleeping again!!! He got another hat, he woke up to go to the restroom and I showed him the hat and he likes it and then off to sleep he went. We got a big room this time, with a sofa that folds out, soooooooooo much better than the new fold out chairs they have. You can't feel the wood frame on your hip every time you roll over!!! This makes me very happy. Caleb had one of my favorite nurses yesterday and another one of them today, I am hoping we get all our favorite ones this time so they can all sign his poster that will go in his scrap book. Caleb has been so blessed through all of this, yes, he has had half a dozen blood transfusions but from what I hear that is not very many! Only one platelet transfusion, he ran a fever one time and only for a few hours and it was gone, he has not been sick one time through this entire thing, that is a miracle. The phantom pain that we were so worried about went away as quickly as it came, very seldom does it hit him and when it does it doesn't last for very long and it is mostly just twinges, he isn't taking any pain meds or anxiety meds, the only medication that he takes is bactrim every weekend. I read stories about other kids that have various kinds of cancers and I am so grateful and so very proud of Caleb. He has never let this disease get the best of him, not once, the only time I can remember him crying is the day Dr. Smith recommended amputation, we all cried that day, I still cry. How many 12 year old kids have the courage to say "amputate"? How many can weigh the options, know themselves well enough to know what they can handle? I am a grown woman and I'm not sure that I could. He is still my hero, he is much more courageous than I.

1 Timothy 4:12 Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

From Caleb's last chemo treatment,
Bob Stoop's came by while Caleb was
sleeping and left him a little something.

Well these loaded backwards but I'll try to tell you what they are... This one was the day they formed his new leg... Right above is Caleb and Mrs. Heather doing school work...Next to it is Caleb's birthday cookie and his cake ( because he wants a dog)...The first one is tonight at the church for the Hulabaloo. He wore a mask and had a stethoscope, he had on his school I.D. for a badge. He got a boat load of candy so he is happy. Jacob didn't go with us and he keeps trying to steal Caleb's candy. Well I think that's it for now, right this moment, all is right with my world. Thank you Jesus for moments of contentment.

No chemo...

Well there will be no chemo until at least the middle of next week. Caleb's platelets are taking their sweet time coming back up. I figured it up today and if he goes in next Wednesday, he will be short one day of a month since the last time he went in for chemo. This is the longest it has ever taken for his counts to come back up. It's been so long that his hair is coming back.

I have been keeping up with the updates all day for the little boy named Truman, reading his mama's thoughts is like going back in time and reading my own. I ache for them, and for us. She said it is the hardest thing they have ever had to go through and I would have to agree with her. It takes me right back to that day. Please continue to pray for them, I know the road and it is not a smoothly paved one, it is bumpy and has big potholes and only the presence of Christ makes it any easier. He is the shock absorber that we all need. I think I've been listening to my boys to much, I am using car analogies! ( rolling my eyes here) Tomorrow there is another little boy having his leg amputated, his name is Sam, please, lift them up also. My heart is breaking for these families, but they all know Jesus, so they do at least have that comfort. I have said it before and I am saying it again, I could not do this without Christ to lean on. Something I noticed when reading about Sam was that they asked people to remember Sam's sisters, that is a very good idea. Jacob's wants and needs have taken a backseat to Caleb's and it has been hard for him. It is getting better, I think. So, that is something else to put on the prayer list.
Psalm 34:8 Tase and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man that takes refuge in Him.

Stirring...

Sorry it's been so long since I updated. The Monday after we got home from the hospital they came to fix our bathroom for Caleb. They took out the tub and put in a walk in shower for him, we are just now finishing it up. I textured and painted it a soft blue, it's very calming. We had to get a new toilet also, the old one was shot and gave out a couple weeks before they started on the bathroom, you had to take the top off to flush it from inside. So it is like having a brand new bathroom. All of that work in the bathroom was donated by a company here in Ponca that does not want any credit, but we so very much appreciate the work they have done on our home to make it easier for Caleb. The house is still a wreck because I got so far behind and now I am playing catch up, I feel like I am chasing my tail!
It is well past time for Caleb's next chemo, his blood counts were down and his platelets still hadn't come up as of Monday. Tomorrow he goes back for cbc's again and if they are good then he has an appt. for Friday morning for his pre-admit and he will go in on Monday for his next to last treatment. This treatment is a short one so we will go home on Tuesday. (From my mouth to God's ears.) He slept until after 4p.m. yesterday and 10:30 this a.m., and the only reason he got up then was to get ready for physical therapy. I am praying all of this rest will help bring those counts back up! He has lost some weight, he is down to about 92 lbs I think. He still has a cough and runny nose, of course he's had the runny nose since he started chemo. I'll post as soon as I know what's going on.
I've really been struggling with my emotions lately and the devotion that this came from really hit the nail on the head;
"It was as though God was giving me a personal object lesson of what 'storms' can do in our lives," he said."In the middle of the storm when the wind is gusting, the lightning is popping and the storm clouds are getting darker, it's difficult to believe that our troubles are purposeful. But God may allow a storm in our lives to clear out the deadwood so that new growth can occur. And isn't it interesting how fresh the air feels after a storm is over?"
I am so very ready for the storm to be over, but it isn't yet and every time I think I have it pulled together I fall apart again. Tonight I got an update from carepages and I read about a 9 year old boy that is having his leg amputated tomorrow and I completely fell apart. I know how his mama is feeling, I know the look in that boys eyes, what she wrote... it was like reading our own story. I am praying for them. I know what they will go through tonight, and tomorrow, and for months to come... I am looking for the rainbow...I am praying for that family to find their rainbow also. His name is Truman, please hold him and his family up in prayer.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:29-31

New update...

Before I start I need to tell you the date of posting is wrong on this, I am actually posting on Sunday at 1:52 pm. Well, we are in the hospital right now, Caleb had a cough all day yesterday (Saturday) and it got worse as the day wore on, then my dad called to let me know Jacob had a fever over 101 so I took Caleb's temp and sure enough he had a low grade fever, so we watched it the rest of the day and around 8:00 pm it hit 101 so we ( mom and I ) brought him to OKC to the ER and they admitted him. They tested him for flu and that was negative, did a chest x-ray and that was ok, his blood counts were low though so they gave him a platelet transfusion, (his first) and a blood transfusion. He is still getting blood but as soon as it is finished I think we are supposed to get to go home. So that is the latest update. Sometimes Caleb actually has something to say on his own on facebook, in case you ever want to hear from him.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

Teenager?

Thirteen years ago I was laying in a hospital bed in Enid, Ok. holding a precious baby boy!!! Thankfully, we are home today and not in the hospital doing chemo. He was due to go in Monday for a treatment but his counts are down so it will be at least Tuesday if not later. This will be a short treatment and it is the next to last one!!! We are so excited!!! We had a quiet evening at home, just Caleb, Jacob, Scott, myself and my dad. Daddy bought pizza and we had a giant cookie and I got Caleb a cake shaped like a dog. It was too cute to pass up. He wanted a party but part of the family is out of town, Colt has fever, Grace had the flu mist, so we decided to put it off for awhile. I told Caleb that after chemo is over and all of his next scans come back clean and his counts are up we will throw one HUGE party for him!!! He is looking forward to it. He asked if we could invite the whole world... Right this moment, I feel like I do Christmas night, the presents have all been opened, everyone has gone home, the kids are asleep and I am sitting quietly thanking God for all the blessings in our lives.

For the last two days Caleb has been putting on his leg without being prodded, he is walking around the house without any crutches or help of any kind, he did fall today, but he was horsing around and he did not get hurt, although, he does have a very purple bruise on the end of his stump. That could have to do with just wearing it, or it could have been caused by the fall. He is in bed asleep right now, this is how I know his counts are low, he is usually up way after I go to bed! I think he had a good time tonight, I think just turning 13 was enough for him, he is very excited about being a teenager! I am not so excited. My last baby... Where did the time go? How did I let it slip past me so quickly? I missed so much, I wasn't paying attention. I still catch myself not paying attention, letting it slip by...it needs to stop. I need to... Time is too short!

And to stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord. . . .
— I Chronicles 23:30

Life would be better...

I thought I would share one of devotions from today. We would all be so much more content and at peace if we would just follow this advice...
Oct 9 - Your First and Highest Calling
"God is faithful, by whom ye were called unto the fellowship of his Son Jesus Christ our Lord."(1 Corinthians 1:9)
Dear Cindy,
Do you know what God wants you to do more than anything else today? He wants you to fellowship with Him. He wants you to walk with Him and talk with Him. To discuss the things of life with Him. He wants you to draw near to Him and partake of His very nature. So many of us get so caught up in striving to please God in the things we do that we forget our first and highest calling is just to be in fellowship with Him. That's right. God longs for us just to want to be with Him. Have you ever considered how much it would mean for you to just come to God and say, "Father, I didn't really come today to get anything. I've prayed about my needs already and Your Word says they're met according to Your riches in glory by Christ Jesus. So I just came to be with You. If You have anything You'd like to tell me, I'm ready to listen...and I want you to know that whatever I see in Your Word, I'll do it. I'll put it into effect in my life." Why don't you tell that to God today? He's waiting to have fellowship with you.
Scripture Study: 1 John 1:1-7

Procrastinating again...

I know, I haven't done a very good job of updating lately...We are in OKC right now for chemo. This is a 5 day treatment and we have been here since Monday, so we get to go home tomorrow. Caleb's blood counts are good so he doesn't have to have a blood transfusion before we go home. He started physical therapy last week so he can learn to walk properly with his prosthesis, he won't wear it though so we are having quite a few arguments about that, he'll never get used to it if he doesn't wear it. This trip hasn't been too bad, yesterday one of his nurses got another nurse to stop at Wal-mart on her way to work to pick up BBQ-chicken for him! Can you believe that? Today we have had nurse Amy and she is just as ornery as Caleb so they've been at it all day! They had a sword fight with crutches, she pretended to draw a line down the back of his head, because then we could call him "butthead", I know, not nice, but they have fun and it's good for him, she got him to really laugh!!! We are so blessed to have such good nurses!!! He only has 2 treatments after this, so we really are on the count down. I find myself feeling at a loss, this has become our life, everything has to be scheduled around treatments and Dr.s appointments, cbc's, and now therapy. It's very unsettling... I feel like there is something I need to do but I have no idea what it is...This came from one of daily devotionals, " I will never think of success, fulfillment and contentment the way I used to. Cancer has swept the veil away from my eyes—has given me a new way of looking at life and rethinking everything. It is an unexpected gift. ", please don't misunderstand me, it is horrific that Caleb has had to go through this, but so much good has come out of the bad, and all of that good is an unexpected gift. I read this the other day and it really fits...My life is but a weaving, between my God and me, I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily, Oftimes He weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride, Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside. Until the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly, Will God unfold the canvas and explain the reason why. The dark threads are as needful in the skillful Weaver's hand, As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
I know whom I have believed and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day. 1 Timothy 1:12

Learning to walk...

Well, Caleb got his leg yesterday!!! I find this very exciting but Caleb is a little apprehensive. He is afraid of falling, I can't say that I blame him. He will start physical therapy on Tuesday to learn the correct way to walk. Hopefully tomorrow we will be going to get his new dog. Now this is exciting to him! He has been wanting a dog of his own for so long! Jacob is worried that it will upset his little Sugar, but I think it will be fine. Well I think that's about it for now. Have a wonderful week-end!
Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth. . . .
— Isaiah 43:19

Answered Prayer...

I should have updated a few days ago but I let time get away from me... Caleb went last Friday for his first fitting and the leg fit like a glove! His technician was shocked that it fit so well and I told him that much prayer had taken place before he did the casting for this leg, he said we should pray for him all the time! he said Caleb can wear it home on Thursday (yes, this Thursday), he was really surprised by how well Caleb was doing with it. I do need to find a PT for him to work with some. We are at the hospital right now doing chemo, this is a short treatment so we go home tomorrow. He only has 3 treatments left, hopefully (prayerfully) he will be finished by the first week of November. We have been told that the further he gets into his treatments the more blood transfusions he will need, so far this has proven to be true.
I can hardly believe that he will be 13 in a little more than 3 weeks! He had wanted to go play laser tag for his birthday but we will have to put that off until after chemo and when his blood counts are back to normal. We thought we had a dog for him but it looks like that fell through so if anyone knows of an unwanted yorkie let me know. He really wants one and asks for one all the time! He has actually eaten a little bit today, I had beef fajita's for lunch and I always let him have them (he only eats the steak strips) and then there was apple sauce on my dinner tray that he ate most of, I got him a bag of doritos and a hershey bar that he will snack on later and a sprite. Well I gotta get off of here, Dancing with the Stars will be on soon!
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, 'says the Lord, who has compassion on you" Isaiah 54:10

Getting Blood

We are in OKC today, Caleb had to have a blood transfusion, his hemoglobin was too low so he needed blood, his platelets are low also so he can't do chemo until next week. We will be back in OKC on Friday for his pre-admit and then over to Scott-Sabolich for his first prosthesis fitting. We are very excited about this! Last Saturday they had the Caleb-Fest and that went very well. Caleb really enjoyed it, he sat there selling t-shirts all day with his friend, Anna, from school. It's exciting to see how much people care. I will be putting a picture of the shirt on here with a number to call in case anyone wants to order one, Caleb liked them really well. Well we are getting ready to leave so I better close this out. Have a wonderful evening!
Psalm 121:1-2I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth

Today...

Where to start... This has been a really tough week, I'm not sure why exactly. Someone from church is making t-shirts for the Caleb Fest and she asked if there was a scripture that we had held onto through this...I thought that would be easy, I'd just go through the blog and pull one out, HA! Let me tell you, going back through the blog...Oh man, it brought everything right back to the surface, that was on Monday, Tuesday I had to go through pictures for a video of Caleb for the Caleb Fest, again ripping my heart out...Seeing him all through his life, so full of life... Mom's hold their newborn babies and count their toes and fingers and bend their legs and arms...we make sure everything works, that everything is all there and ok....Then today, I just listened to the interview that I did about Caleb and ... She asked me about Caleb...there is so much I didn't say, he is a vibrant child... I love words, I always have, but there just aren't big enough, or colorful enough words to describe Caleb... Caleb is the brightest, sunniest, blue sky, full of lighting and thunder and the most fantastic rainbow you have ever seen all at once! Can you picture that? All of this that he has been through this year, it has made him a better person, he is the same, but different, yes, more grown up, that is a given in a situation like this, he is more loving, more caring, more open, tender, softer, gentler, brighter, happier... Wow...how do you go through finding out you have cancer, go through chemo and all that that entails ( hair loss, weight loss, nausea, low blood counts...) have your leg amputated, wait 3 months to be told you can have your prosthesis, miss a year of school, lose any form of normalcy whatsoever, have people stare at you, and somehow, through all of that wind up being a happier , better, more content with life, person? Oh, and only be twelve?
Well I need to go get Caleb up so we can get ready to go to OKC to have his leg cast, by the way, the scripture that I finally came up with?
Lamentations 3:21-23 21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Great News...

Great news! Caleb's leg has been approved!!! We are super excited! He has an appointment next Wednesday for them to cast his leg, then we go back the next week to start the fittings. Isn't that just awesome? His teacher (Ms. Heather) is here right now, they are trying to find him a book to read. He is just now starting his schooling for the year. I love Heather, she won't let him get away with slacking. Well, I think that's it for now, I just wanted to catch you all up. I appreciate all of you so much, thank you for all your prayers and support and please don't stop praying! We still have a long way to go on this journey! Once the leg is ready to wear it will have to be fitted a few times for comfort, and I am sure walking with it will be a challenge of it's own. I have no doubts that he will be able to master this challenge with the same strength he has had through all of this, and like he said to me just a little while ago. "God has been working!" . I agree and I believe He will continue to do so!
"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."(Luke 18:27)

Today...

We are home from the hospital, we got here around 3:30 yesterday, just in time to pick up Jacob and feed him before his game. Jake had his very first football game last night, he didn't get to play but he sure looked good in his uniform! (Big grin here from mom) They won, 24-12, yeah!!! He was running around saying "we're undefeated!" Yeah, he's a goober.
Caleb had to have a blood transfusion before his last round of chemo night before last. He was so ready to come home (me too). I think it is getting harder to go do this instead of easier. It is easier in that we know what to expect but harder to just do it. I let him go to school today and it was harder to drive away today than it was on the first day of school. I cried all the way home. I prayed as I drove away that God would protect him from all sickness, to keep him from falling and to protect him from meanness. I know that no one made fun of or picked on him the last time he went but I also know there is a first time for everything and some kids can be very cruel. Pastor Doug came to see us this trip and has asked Caleb to do an interview. Doug is going to do a sermon (sermon may not be the right word) at Youth Convention on heroes. He wants to use Caleb as an example and would even like for him to be there and to come out on stage (with other people). Caleb isn't sure about this yet so we will see what happens. Well I think I have you all caught up for the moment, I am including something from one of my devotions from today. I waited to read them until I got home from dropping off the boys, solitude, just me and God, I can hear Him speak that way! I know all of you mom's know exactly what I mean! I will add my own thoughts in red so you know what is mine and what inspired me to think.
Psalm 46: 1 "God is our refuge and strength, a tested help in times of trouble." One of my absolute favorite scriptures!
I don't like pain. I dread uncertain times. When life spirals out of control, I often withdraw from friends and family in an attempt to hide. Stress can paralyze me and make it difficult for me to function normally. Small tasks become huge mountains as the clouds gather and the winds pick up speed. To think that storms are for my good is a stretch to say the least. (All of that describes me perfectly! I seriously couldn't have described me any better! I have dealt with all of this through this journey we are on, and even Caleb has gone through the withdrawing part.)
I know you have repeatedly heard and even taught the truth that we are strengthened by our storms. Honestly, there have been times when I felt as if I would explode if one more person told me to praise God for my storm.( I will add, you don't praise Him for the storm, you praise Him THROUGH the storm!) Looking back, however, there is absolutely no doubt that my greatest growth has come during my most fierce life storms. Each storm has become a spiritual marker, a testament to the sufficiency and faithfulness of God. ( I have to agree with that) It is from those markers that a powerful life is shaped and molded.
Father, give me new eyes to see Your hand at work in the midst of my life storms. I surrender my fear and disbelief to the certainty of Your truth. I choose to trust You even if I don't understand You. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I ask that You strengthen me for whatever tomorrow holds and help me to remember that tomorrow is in Your hands.
In Jesus' name, Amen( I thought that prayer was spot on so I left it alone!)

Update

I guess I better get this updated...We are in OKC for chemo, this is the 5 day treatment so we will be here until Tuesday sometime. Caleb got sick last so they started giving him Phenergan so he slept thru the night and most of today. He finally woke up and ate a sloppy joe and drank a little sprite and he just asked the nurse for another sprite. Now we are watching the Jonas Brothers (joy, joy). I'm guessing he will be back asleep before to long.
Jacob's first football game is Tuesday night and we should be home for at least part of it. He seems to really like it so I guess that is a good thing. They had a code blue call over on the stem cell side today, made me cry...hit to close to home I guess, it turned out ok though.
I am going to add one of my devotions from yesterday, hope it speaks to you too!
Today's Truth
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).
Friend To Friend
I can't take it anymore, Danita said as she flopped down in the recliner in her den. It was late afternoon, and plenty of evening duties still lay before her. She felt like she'd been putting out fires all day long with no one to help. Somewhere inside of her, she knew she shouldn't be feeling so irritated and helpless. She was running out of energy, and not enjoying life the way she once did. When she breathed her prayer of Lord, please help me ... it was more out of desperation than a sincere cry for help.
Have you ever felt like Danita? Oh, I have! Well, take heart frazzled sister! Your God is strong and mighty to save and, He's longing to invade your daily circumstances and pull you out of the pit. Only our God can bring stability out of the messes of life. As your Heavenly Father, it delights Him to comfort you and rescue you. He understands your stress and knows how the events of daily living can leave you feeling haggard and depleted. If you will turn to Him and allow Him to do so, He will fight your battles, restore your joy, and usher you into victorious living. He is waiting for you to be still.
As a small child, I escaped to the deep end of the pool one day and jumped into water way over my head. I remember fighting underwater, trying to get back to the top. The harder I fought, the deeper I went. I didn't know how to swim. Exhausted, I stopped fighting and expected to drown. Still and helpless, I then floated to the top, where a lifeguard noticed me and quickly pulled me to safety.
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the stress-pool of life, struggling, doing everything imaginable to fight my way to the top, only to arrive nowhere, feeling exhausted and helpless. Then, I finally remember to be still and fall into the arms of my Mighty Rescuer. Not one moment during my frantic struggle does He turn His gaze from me. In fact, He has already rescued me many times. I just don't realize it. In great patience (because He alone knows what's best for me), He waits until I give up my fight of self-sufficiency to demonstrate His power.
Let's Pray
Dear Lord, why do I continually try to fight my way through my daily circumstances? Please remind me today, through Your Holy Spirit, to remember how much You long to help me, give me peace and rescue me from the stress I experience. I love You so much and I want to thank You - once again - for being my Mighty Rescuer! In Jesus' name, Amen.

No need for words...

Caleb and I will be missing church this morning because on Friday when he did his cbc's his white cell count was extremely low so he is very susceptible to any illnesses floating around. He was very disappointed because he really wanted to go to school Friday. He has a Dr.s appointment tomorrow, it is just a pre-admit for chemo and they may bump it due to his counts, we'll see. Hopefully by tomorrow all his counts will be good and we won't get off track on the completion of his chemo. He is so very ready for life to be some sort of normal again. I would have to agree with that. Scott Sabolich called last week to let me know that they finally know what it is that the insurance company wants from them so maybe now the leg process will finally get moving. Caleb is tired of using crutches and only leaves the house to go to necessary appointments, across the street to his friends house, church and to school the first day. I haven't heard from the school to know about a teacher yet. I will try to update again tomorrow after we see the Dr. .
Through all of this, I have fought feeling guilty for not talking to God more, and this morning, while doing my daily devotionals, it dawned on me that I don't have to talk...He knows me, He knows my every thought. I don't have to talk because I know that He already knows so there is no need for words. Does that make sense? This morning it just all came together and I finally relaxed in the knowledge that He is there (here) and He knows, and it is ok if I don't talk. We used to sing a song at church, some of the words are the way I am feeling this morning... "I wanna sit at your feet, drink from the cup in your hand. Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat. This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand. I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming." This morning, I feel so close to Christ, that I can feel the warmth of His presence and there is just no need for words...
Psalm 94:18-19When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Melting down...

And at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Mark 15:34
Have you ever felt that way? I have, a lot. It's been a rough year and there are 4 months left. I usually see the glass half full, lately it gets harder and harder to not see half empty. I hate to admit this, but I have spent a lot of time this year when I have not been on speaking terms with God. You would think that all those hours spent in the hospital watching Caleb sleep, playing worship music, looking for scriptures, surely I should have felt a oneness with God through all those circumstances; that would be the spiritually mature and obedient response. But I have not always feel that. I have, many times,felt totally abandoned. It is my own fault that I feel this way, He is there, waiting for me to come to Him, I just have this ridiculous need to be strong and handle it all on my own. I know that I am in desperate need of a complete melt down. I have cried many times through all of this, but I have not just let it all go until there is that break through that comes from opening the flood gates. I need to do that, it is time. I need to let God comfort me, so that I can be a comfort. I need to let Him build me back up, so that I can continue to be strong for Caleb.

Lord, thank You for the reminder that You are my Comforter. You know me. You know about my sometimes shallow faith and my doubts. Yet You still love me, in spite of myself. Thank You for still being there even when I abandon You. Thank You for loving me through my silence, for quietly waiting for me to come to You.

Sleep

Caleb actually slept through the night last night, so I am hoping for the same tonight. We had everyone over today to celebrate the birthdays while Daniel was home, it was nice to have him here. He is leaving tomorrow, I am hoping he will go to church with us, we'll see. There isn't really anything new I just thought I would drop a line. Hope everyone has a good nights sleep! I will close with the same scripture I used last night.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. (Psalm 3:5)

Home

Just thought I would let everyone know that we are home. Caleb finished chemo around 4 this afternoon. He is laying on the couch playing Yo-ville on Facebook. It went pretty well except he did get pretty nauseous last night. They gave him meds for it and he went to sleep and slept most of the day today. I just hope he goes to sleep tonight, however if his behavior right now is any indication then I would say he will be up for hours! Mommy is very, very tired, so I am going to bed now. Hope everyone has a wonderful nights sleep!!!

I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. (Psalm 3:5)

Procrastination...

We are back in the hospital for chemo, but this is the short treatment so we will go home tomorrow evening. We had a good start to our day though, Daniel is in town for the weekend and he hit town just a few minutes before we left and he will be there until Sunday so we are happy. Daniel has been working in Nebraska for the last month so we have been missing him and the last time he came home we were here and didn't get to see him. It is perfect timing because we are having a birthday party for Jessie this Saturday, her b-day is tomorrow and Scott's was yesterday. So, since Daniel is home everyone will get to be there. School started in Ponca yesterday and Caleb went. He made it through the entire day, I was worried because he didn't get to sleep until about 3:30 am and got up at 6:30 to get ready, but he made it. He said no one made him feel bad and he enjoyed his day so all is well. Jacob started high school!!! I can't believe it has gone by so quickly, it seems like yesterday I was sending him off to kindergarten. He is playing football this year, for the first time ever, I am a little nervous about it! His thighs are very sore from the exercises they have them do. I told him he will be in good shape by the time the season is over. He does pull ups every morning now also, so he is going to get all buff I guess. I think I have caught you up on everyone so I will tell you the latest on Caleb now. At the moment we are at a stand still on his prosthesis. They have denied it over paper work. So the run around begins, next week I will start making phone calls, I made a couple yesterday after I got the letter from the insurance co. and next week I will make more calls, it is hard to try to do that kind of stuff from the hospital. He is taking it in stride for the moment, however, I think if he were going to be in school every day it would really bother him. I am going to add a couple of excerpts from my daily devotions, I thought they were rather appropriate today. Joy is the deeply-rooted confidence that God is in control.
My Father, how hard it is—and how powerful—to praise and thank You in all circumstances!

Give me understanding, and I shall live. Psalm 119:144
And to stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord. . . . I Chronicles 23:30

Passion...

Someone I know asked the question "what are you passionate about?", it got me to thinking... What am I passionate about, anything? At all? So, what is the definition of passionate? 1 a: easily aroused to anger b: filled with anger : angry2 a: capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling b: enthusiastic, ardent, the third one does not apply here. What moves me to show intense feeling? It is a little disconcerting to know that I am not moved by much, so I have to ask myself why? There is a lot going on in my life right now, so I am sure that accounts for some of my complacency, but not all of it. When did I become so indifferent? Have I ever been passionate about anything? Yes, without a doubt, at one time I was completely on fire, passionate about Christ. I let other relationships get in the way and steal that zeal that I had for Christ. I was hungry for more of Him, I read the Bible, daily, I prayed, and by that I mean I had a continuous conversation going on with Him, I read books and studied. That in turn made me a better person all around. Looking back I know exactly where and when I let go of that passion and let something else take it's place, and I have never recovered it, I came close a few years ago, so very, very close and I let it go again. I have moments of passion, like Sunday morning as we were walking to our seats at church one of the teens, in a very sarcastic manner, said, "aww, poor Caleb Seaton". I can not begin to tell you how much PASSION I had at that moment, but Jacob grabbed my arm and said come on mom, and I did the grown up thing and sat down. I love my children, passionately, if it appears that someone is going to cause them pain in any way I tend to overreact, from the oldest all the way down to the youngest. But, I don't have a cause that drives me, should I? Other that Christ, and I do believe that He should be all of our driving force, are we supposed to have a passion other than Him? Our families? Yes, I do believe so, after that I think priorities play a huge role. We should be passionate about life, every moment, every breath we take is a gift and we should passionately appreciate it and share the maker of this life as often as possible. I need to ponder this some more, in the mean time, what are you passionate about? Please, feel free to leave me comments. If you leave them anonymously you may have to try more than once. Now, an update on Caleb, since this is supposed to be about him... His blood counts are low so we will be going to OKC tomorrow for a blood transfusion. He won't go back for chemo until the middle of next week. He still isn't sleeping well at night, not because of pain though. I am not really sure what the problem is, so we will keep having our late night talks until he gets it all worked out.
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"
4 These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Psalm 42:1-4

My apologies...

I am sorry it has been so long since I have updated, I am just worn out. We had the sale this past weekend and it turned out sooooo much bigger than we expected. We had so many donations we will have to have another one and people are still telling us they have stuff to donate. We are incredibly blessed!!! Caleb's platelets are low so he has had a few nose bleeds and he has a couple of mouth sores so he isn't eating very good now. He will go tomorrow morning to have cbc's done and if they are back up then he will go in for chemo on Friday. I am hoping they are good because school starts next week, I have a test scheduled for myself and there are a thousand other little things I need to get done, not to mention he is more than ready to get this all over with. We still don't know anything about his prosthesis, it is still "pending documentation", how ridiculous is that? Caleb couldn't sleep the other night and out of the blue he asked me why bad things happen to good people, so we had an interesting talk and then as we were listening to some music one of the songs said something about God walking through the fire with us and it was perfect timing (funny how God does that) I told him that God never said we wouldn't have to go through the fire but He did promise to be right there with us. Well, Caleb just informed me that he fell while I gone to pick up his brother so I am going to go check him over and give him some hugs and kisses.
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22
Because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:3-4

tomorrow...

I will update tomorrow, am exhausted from the sale. Caleb is complaining of pain tonight so please say a prayer for him, we need a GOOD nights sleep!!!
Proverbs 3:24when you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.

Jeremiah 31:26At this I awoke and looked around. My sleep had been pleasant to me.

Monday...

Caleb is still sleeping, he has his nights and days all mixed up so needless to say mommy is very sleep deprived again. He has been really upbeat this time around, he jokes with the nurses, he is eating and drinking and he is just really in a good frame of mind. Now if I could just get him to sleep at night and stay awake during the day!!! We should get to leave here around 5:30 pm tomorrow...we'll see, his chemo was an hour late this morning. The fault lies with the pharmacy not the nurses, for the most part he has wonderful nurses up here. I guess thats all for now, I just wanted to update you on how he is doing this time around. Have a blessed week and remember...
Mark 10:27Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."
Philippians 4:13 13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

New Post

We are in OKC for chemo. This is a five day treatment, so we get to settle in for the long haul. We have a nice big room this time (yippee). Caleb is doing fine, he has played playstation, watched TV and right now he is playing Farmtown on Facebook. Nothing is any different here than at home except he is attached to the pole. Oh, and he can't sneak out when I'm not looking! :) Yesterday they had a blood drive in Caleb's honor, it went well, I think. There were people that came that had no idea who we are, they just saw it in the paper and came. I had one gentleman tell me it was an honor to give, it does the heart good to know that there are still people that care.
Zephaniah 3:17The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

Blood counts...

Well, Caleb had an appointment in OKC today so that he could go in on Thursday for his next chemo but his platelets are low so he will do more cbc's on Thursday and if his count is up then he will go in for chemo on Friday. This time will be a 5 day treatment and I don't like the 5 day treatments because he refuses to eat the hospital food, so he winds up going days without eating and he won't tell me what he wants to take with us this time. Other than that he is doing really well. He is eating and drinking plenty of fluids, he is active so I wasn't really sure his counts would come back low, the only sign this time are the dark circles under his eyes. Right now he is across the street playing and he will be in BIG trouble when he gets home because he snuck out the back door! (I'm wearing my best angry face) Have I mentioned that his hair is coming back? They say he will lose it again but is sure is nice to see, it adds so much color to his face, he looks healthy! I hate that he lost his leg, but as soon as they took it his color came back, he isn't gray anymore, his lips and cheeks have color! He is a beautiful boy (yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to say that about a boy) but he is. We talked with the Dr. today about whether to go to school or not and we are in agreement that he should wait until January to try to go back full time. I will let him go some, like he was doing before school let out for the summer, so that he stays plugged in and doesn't get so depressed. Well I think I better go drag the child home, it's getting dark out.
Numbers 6:24-26
24 "The LORD bless you and keep you;
25 the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
26 the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Swimming...

Well they did not cast Caleb's leg yesterday, they have to wait for the insurance to clear it first, not really sure how long that will take. We did find out that only the top half of the leg will be able to have the tatoo (at least for now), so I'm not sure what he will do yet. The phantom pain has pretty much disappeared so that is wonderful (for both of us). He is drug free now, I did give him a pain pill the other night after he fell on his tail bone because it was hurting pretty bad, but other than that, he hasn't had any pain meds or valium since last Thursday night in the hospital. A couple of days ago he went to stand up and he said he just forgot that his leg was gone and fell backwards right onto his tail bone. He seems to be ok though, it scares me really good every time it happens. Have you ever seen the movie "Passion of the Christ"? There is a scene where Jesus falls and as his mother runs to him she flashes back to when he was a little boy and he has fallen and she is running to pick him up... They are never so big that we don't have the need to run and try to help them up. He has been out in the pool, he just came in and is looking over my shoulder right now, well there he goes... This is the first time that he has been in the pool since the surgery. I took pictures of the boys in the pool so as soon as Jacob gets them on the computer I will get this posted. By the way, he has done really well since coming home from the hospital. He is eating and drinking and it has just been completely different than the first time around with the chemo. I am very proud of him. If we stay on schedule Caleb will finish chemo the week after his 13th birthday, which is October 15th. He still has a very long process with the leg and he will have to go back every 3 months for a very long time, but hey, we are getting there!


Continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.
— Colossians 2:6 (NIV)

This too shall pass...

The last few days have been kinda rough. A few days ago Caleb commented to Jacob and I both that we were lucky, we have two legs and then in the middle of the night I went to check on him and he was standing in front of the mirror looking at himself. The look on his face was so sad, it was very hard not to cry, but sometimes crying with him isn't the answer. I told him it is ok to feel that loss but that he has to go on, feeling sorry for himself will destroy his life. Thankfully, he doesn't get like that very often. Wednesday evening he was trying to get his shoe out of his closet and fell, hard, on his good leg, and cut his knee open a little bit. Yesterday, here at the hospital, I had come out of the restroom and was drying my hands and he asked me if it hurts me, I asked if what hurts me and he lifted his leg...I said yes, sometimes I look at him and it hurts me, for him...Right now we are still at the hospital doing chemo, we will get out of here late this afternoon. He had a pretty rough night. First he had a headache then his knee started hurting where he fell on it and then the phantom pain kicked in, 3 hours after he told the nurse he had a headache she brought him pain pills, by this time he was so worked up that I asked about the Valium so she had to call down and order it, and honestly I can't tell you how long that took. I don't know when we finally got to sleep. Then he woke up and needed to go to the bathroom...Now I am sure most of you know that when you are in the hospital they have to measure every thing, so that means Caleb has to pee in what they call a "urinal". So...he wakes up at around 4, needs to "go", I am sleeping, and I wake up to what sounds like water pouring on the floor... It is hard for him to hobble to the bathroom with one crutch, and his IV pole so I told him not to, to just sit on the edge of the bed, well he stands, but ok...so he lost his balance, and missed the urinal... I can laugh now, it was not funny at 4 this morning... so he got his balance back and then lost it again and fell over, barely landing on the very edge of the bed, gets up and starts to go the other direction! It could have been very bad! After they came and mopped and Caleb was back asleep , me and God, we had us a nice long talk!!! I let Him know just what I thought of all of this, not that He didn't know already, I just hadn't said it to Him. I tend to put up walls, shut people out, including God. It is very hard for me to lean on any one or anything, even God. I just almost can not ask for help and that is exactly what God wants us to do, ask, seek, knock... He wants to help, to be needed, wanted, to just be there...I got on here at around 4 this morning and posted on of my devotions for the day and a couple of scriptures so I'm gonna leave it at that, please read it also.

One of Todays Devotions

Philippians 1:6 He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Thoughts on today's verse
God made the world in 6 days. Now he sustains it with his powerful word. But in each of us, he is still at work and will continue to work to his glory (see Philippians 2:12-13) until Christ comes to take us home!
Prayer:
Thank you Father, for being at work in my life. I confess that at times you seem distant, but looking back over the crucial moments where things were held in the balance, I can see your fingerprints and your grace leading me to where I am today. Please make your presence more powerfully known in my life as I seek your will and live to your glory. Through Jesus I pray. Amen.

Matthew 19:26With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup.Psalm 16:5 NIV

Just thinking...

I have realized, it is getting harder for me to update this...
The weekend has been a mix of emotions for Caleb and I. He wanted so very badly to go out with the kids during the day on the 4th, he would go to the door and watch and finally he went to his room and laid down. Now, he could have gone out, no one was making him stay in and later when everyone, adults included, went out then he did to. He didn't shoot off as many of his fireworks as the other kids did because someone would have to carry his stuff because of the crutches. He didn't complain too much though. He is getting pretty frustrated, he can't even carry his own plate to the table, really, it's hard for him to even make his own plate. Yesterday, I was outside working in my much overgrown "garden" area and the boys came out. Now honestly, Caleb doesn't go outside much anymore so it's good he was outside. Eventually Jacob took off running and the dog was chasing him and after a couple times around the front yard Caleb said " I will never be able to do that again", I immediately told him yes he will, but it comes out of nowhere and hits you like a ton of bricks, "wow, he can't do that", Then there is the whole shower situation, it is really difficult for him to take a shower in either of our bathrooms. Last night we were watching tv and a commercial came on for one of those tubs that you can walk into, and he says to me " I want one of those!", he is right it would be so much easier for him, I would love to be able to remodel the bathroom so he could have that but it is not possible. Caleb is a little fish, he loves the pool, but now he can't even do that because we have no railings to hold onto to get up the steps, (it is an above ground pool). There are just so many things that are so much harder now...you just don't think about some of these things, and it seems like it is something new everyday. Some things will get much easier when he gets his leg, he will be able to regain some of his independence then but some things like showering and swimming...that won't change. He is still having a LOT of phantom pain at night, so we are not getting much sleep, at least I'm not, I let Caleb sleep really late because he is up half the night, I do have that option. We are still listening to music to get to sleep and once in awhile Caleb will actually sleep in his bed instead of on the sofa. I have gotten to where I sleep better in the recliner than in my own bed! That is just kinda sad, is it not?
New update...I just got off the phone with the Dr.s office and Caleb's echo is scheduled for tomorrow at 3 and the date to restart chemo is now on Thursday. He starts back up with a short treatment, this is the one that causes the mouth sores and nausea. They give him medication for the nausea but for the mouth sores he needs to drink a lot of fluids before during and after and he just won't do it, so please keep that in mind as you pray for him. Sometimes I look back over these before I post them and think they sound whiny, but I'm not whining or complaining, I am merely stating the facts of our lives. It will all eventually work out, God is taking very good care of us through this, and I know that He will continue to do so.
Lord, so often our weakest moments become our strengths. Thank You for the little things that help us to remember to push on.
Psalm 55:16-18 But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice. He ransoms me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me.

Life...

My stepmom passed away one week ago today. This was unexpected, she wasn't in good health, but she was just at our house the Sunday before. Linda was so good about calling and checking on Caleb, she would bring him chocolate shakes and in the beginning of all of this with Caleb, she gave him a little cross necklace to hang onto and he did, through the first chemo treatment, he asked for it on the first night and slept with it, we will miss her. To see my dad cry is almost as hard as watching Caleb go through this. I am praying that the next six months hold nothing but good news and good memories.
Last week the orthopedic surgeon released Caleb to go back in for chemo and to be fitted for his leg so on Tuesday of this week we went to the clinic to see the Dr. and he said Caleb is doing great and agreed that we could wait until next Wednesday to start chemo again. Jacob has a Dr.s appointment on Tuesday and I opted to put off chemo for one day so that we didn't have to change his appointment. The fact that I made a decision to put him first seem ed to really mean something to him, so I think we probably need to do that more often. I know that Jacob is feeling very left out through all of this, they are both getting the short end of the stick. Jake tries so hard to act like he can't stand Caleb but the other day he and I were in the laundry room and Caleb was coming out and fell down the stairs and Jacob ran and caught him before he could hit the ground, then later that night, he picked him up off the floor and carried him to the couch. The way these boys fight sends me right to the edge most days and then these little, short moments of reaching out touch me so much, and keep me going another day. Ok, so back to the schedule... Caleb is supposed to have another echo but they haven't called me yet with that information so I don't know when that will be, it was supposed to be on this coming Tuesday after Jacobs appointment but we'll see. So, Caleb does chemo on Wednesday, it is the short cycle, and then the following Monday he goes to be cast for his leg. On Friday of that week he goes back for fittings and then more fittings the week after that. Soon he will not have to use the crutches anymore. He will be relieved. Yesterday we were at Wal-mart and there was a little girl staring at him, I had not noticed this, but Caleb had put his crutches in the basket and was standing behind it so you could not see his lower half unless you came up from behind us. He finally said to me " I hate that", when I asked what he said the staring so I turned and saw the little girl. I've tried to tell him that the little kids are just curious, they just want to know what happened, they are usually sad for him but it still hurts him, he feels like a freak, anyway...I made eye contact with the little girl and she asked me very quietly what happened... so I told her. Every day it is something new, a new experience for us...stretching us, pulling us, refining us... He had a bad night last night, it has gotten so much better, so last night was a surprise. The "sock" that he has to wear over him stump causes his leg to hurt some, and he walked through most of Wal-mart yesterday, so by the time we got out of there he was already in some pain and we just couldn't get it under control until about 4:30 this morning. He is sleeping right now (9:40) and I will let him sleep as long as he wants today. Well, I better get this posted, I have a long day ahead of me...preperation for tomorrow...Have a happy and safe 4th!!! Remember this, God is still God, He still watches over us, He loves us, each and every one...
"But the LORD is in His holy temple; the LORD still rules from heaven. He watches everyone closely, examining every person on earth."
Psalm 11:4 (NLT)

Definitions...

My mind has been swirling with thoughts lately, they flit in and out and I can't seem to get them to form coherent sentences. Finally, today on the way to church, some of them began to come together, and then during Pastor Micah's sermon this morning (very good by the way) more of them began to fall into place, so I will try to put all these jumbled words down.
Cancer: one of the meanings is: anything bad or harmful that spreads and destroys. I can tell you from experience that almost everyone has some form of cancer growing in them. What ? Yes, think about that meaning...and then think about this, hatred, bitterness, resentment, anger, envy... I personally have and to be perfectly honest, still am, dealing with a few of those things myself. They grow, fester, eat away and destroy so much of our lives, that is cancer. Please, examine yourself...is there something growing in you that is killing a part of you? Let it go! Lets run through that list...hatred- when my kids say "I hate you", I ask them if they want that person that they think they hate to burn in hell for all eternity, because that is hatred (they always adjust the words they use). There is someone in my life that I struggle with those feelings over, it makes me sick to have so much BAD feeling for this person. I take these feelings to God quite often, but believe me when I tell you, it is a cancer, if I don't stop it, it will over take me and destroy a big part of our lives. Bitterness- who among us has not had some bitterness in our lives? This also is something I am struggling with. Caleb could let bitterness over losing his leg destroy him, but he is choosing life! Resentment, anger- both of these I also understand...why my son? But then again, I wouldn't even wish that on that person that I fight hating! There are so many things that we allow to eat away at us, to destroy good things in our lives. We allow anger to turn into resentment, which turns to bitterness, which turns to hatred, and it destroys relationships and lives. Think about how many marriages, families there are that don't have to fall apart, if we would just let go of those feelings, let forgiveness come in and take over. So...what's eating at you? What do you need to let go of? We are never truly happy and at peace with ourselves when we hang onto these things, so go through your inner closets, take out the trash and burn it up! Take it the cross and leave it there! If Christ could hang on that cross and say " Father forgive them, they don't know what they are doing", then how can we hang onto the petty nonsense we hang onto? And yes, I understand that not all of it is petty, but in the long run, how much time and energy do you want to waste on self righteous indignation? Some of us have gone through some pretty horrific things, use those things to help others, to build others up, to bring life!!! Don't allow some form of cancer to destroy your life, your marriage, your children's lives, other relationships... Choose life!!! When we are angry, we take it out on those around us, all of those bad feelings I talked about...they build walls, please, please, break down those walls. I know this has not been about Caleb today, but then again, in a way it is. I could let all of those feelings I mentioned destroy our lives, those things would all rub off on the people around me and destroy them also... I fight one thing or another every day so that all of this will not destroy our lives, our family, our purpose...If these feelings destroy us, then what purpose has this served? God does have a plan...
Psalm 27:13 I am still confident of this: I WILL see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

By the way, my stepmom passed away on Friday, please keep my dad in your prayers. The service is tomorrow at 2pm. After its all over and everyone gets back to life, it will be rough for a while.